GET YOUR ASS TO THE PORCH!

by Your Stoner Roommate David

SHHHH!!

shut.

up.

don’t move…

*silence*

it’s around here some where….

THERE!! HURRY!! GET TO THE PORCH!!
DO IT! WHAT THE FUCK! YOU WILL FUCKING DIE! JEFF! I’M SERIOUS!! IT WILL MAUL YOU TO DEATH!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT?! THE PANTHER! GET HERE! PANTHER JEFF!!

Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. AMIRITE?! I kid...

Thank God. You can’t play around like that man. This thing has been stalking me up and down the yard all night.  It’s not safe here. The porch is the only ground it can’t tread on.

What do you mean?!  It came from the under the Earth man! This house was built on it’s home from millions of years ago, when the the land with just a molten mass of shifting plates and volcanoes spewing ash and the very building blocks of life into a virgin atmosphere.  BEFORE Pangea. Before Middle Earth came to be. This was like…Lower Earth. When Gandalf was a baby and shit.  You know, when he was still cool with that Balrog guy he fought. Before they had a falling out over that pog game….that they played with slices of MOUNTAINS.

Proof our parents loved us: They sold us cardboard, guys. CARDBOARD.

Dude, those things were every where back then. No. Not mountains. Balrogs. They were like people are now, only they had an elaborate barter system involving obsidian crystals and a tremendous sense of honor. Much like the noble Native Americans of North America. Or a samurai. Or imagine…some sort of Native American in Samurai armor. With a feather headdress. OH OH OH. And a sword, with a tomahawk edge on one end of it. Whoa…
EXCEPT HE’S TWELVE FEET TALL AND LITERALLY FILLED WITH FIRE.

…wish I had a time machine…history was…unfathomable…

Huh? I took maybe….maaaaaybe a bag of ‘shrooms. Maybe. Also peyote. No. Nothing else. Wait. No. I distinctly remember drinking Ecto Cooler from Slimer’s head earlier this evening.  How? He appeared to me. Then he….like…opened his mouth to the size of a dumbwaiter door and I lapped up his mind juice like a puppy drinking from his water dish…WAIT.

Did you hear that? SHUT UP. Stopping with the laughing. For real.

There. THERE?! Do you see it? In the tree. You can barely make it out.  SEE! It moved. Dude. It’s been there all night, watching me. I don’t know what the deal is but we have some sort of truce man. Our eyes met for a second. ONE. SECOND. But we knew each other. We saw ourselves in the other. We were as one. We met in a field of wheat and  tenderly touched hands…er claws…I guess hands. But as we touched, we melted into each other. We became one. A hybrid. A ruthless killing machine melded with a battalion of stone cold, fuck ‘copters.

guess which one i am. heh heh.

We became a gold and platinum covered tank, like in that Master P video, but with arms and legs and a mouth with four awful, pronged teeth. Yes. Pronged teeth. You’ve seen the things.  Then we traversed to the end of wormhole that had formed in front of us.

And yea Jeff. I’ve seen the end of the universe. Do you know what’s there? Endless darkness….

…and space whales. THEY MADE US ALL JEFF! All life in the universe is from space whale spunk. I swear to God. So fucked up.

Huh? What’s in the tree? Oh yea. It’s the Predator, dude. He’s been protecting me all night.

HOW ARE YOU OUT OF CHEDDAR BAY BISCUITS!!

But be weary, with as much as we’ve been through our truce is still…JEFF.
Confirm or deny. Have you been a skeleton this whole time?

Damn. Oh. You’re going to bed? That’s cool. THE ETERNAL SLUMBER. I get ya. No. I don’t want to play Halo first. Nah. I got a date with a penny pinching werewolf at the Yogurtland down the street.

*checks empty hand*

Great. I’m late.

*timidly begins to step off of the porch*
*stops*

Fuck a shit…

….how do I get out of here?

__________

make a mistake today. follow me on twitter: @kamcvey

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About Kyle McVey

I like stuff and feel ways about things.

Posted on March 9, 2011, in Character, LOLJK and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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