Now my Two and a Half Men spec script is ruined

Charlie Sheen ruined my chance to make it as a writer. I had everything in the palm of my hand; a spec script that would guarantee me meetings with every studio in this city. Spec scripts are meant to show your ability to work with a preexisting show, but that leads to you writing the thousandth script where Dennis and Mac make fun of Charlie in Always Sunny in Philadelphia. They key is to make one that stands out; even if they wouldn’t ever shoot it, something that will make those hiring remember your name.

With Sheen’s self-destruction, the show’s done for and the dark turns in my script actually seem prophetic of what was to come when i wrote the thing. Read excerpts below from “Charlie’s Murder and Presents”.INT. CHARLIE’S BEDROOM – DAY

Figures are WRESTLING around under the sheets of Charlie’s bed, it is unsure how many people are under there or why it seems like one is doing a head stand on top of the other.

Under the sheets appears Charlie coming up for air. There is a sick amount of glisten around his lips. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and licks it.

CHARLIE

Oh good. That’s whiskey.

LAUGHTER

CHARLIE

(to the lump under the sheets)

Are you done recovering from orgasmic bliss? I got another girl coming in an hour. (Catching himself) I mean, I gotta go walk the kid.

LAUGHTER

Nothing moves underneath the sheets. Charlie lifts one corner and looks underneath. Her legs are splayed out.

CHARLIE

Oh, excuse me. Wrong end.

Charlie pulls the sheet off on the other side. The BEAUTIFUL WOMAN is out. Her eyes hanging open. She’s DEAD. Charlie places two fingers underneath the sheets and checks her pulse somewhere discrete. He basically puts his fingers up her vagina.

CHARLIE

Oh god. She’s dead. I killed a girl with my sex. (a beat). I knew I was good in bed but this is ridiculous!

LAUGHTER.

Realization hits Charlie. This is no laughing matter. Ok, it kind of is. Hookers aren’t real people. But this is still bad for him.

INT. HARPER LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Charlie is DRAGGING his bed sheets and the BODY down the stairs, unceremoniously dropping it on every step.

CHARLIE

You didn’t weigh this much when I was throwing you around in bed last night.

LAUGHTER. OK. Just imagine laughter after every main line. I’m breaking my keyboard typing that over and over.

CHARLIE

I don’t know what happened. I didn’t have one of my sex rages, and you seemed pretty limber. Perhaps it was that entire bottle of tequila you drank? You did mention you were anemic…

The front door starts to budge. The sounds of turning keys and deadbolts. Someone’s coming in!

Charlie THROWS open the closet door and tosses the dead body in. Think of Three Stooges slapstick as he tries to keep the body in while shutting the door.

Just as the closet door shuts, ALAN and JAKE THE FAT KID come in, dressed in Chuck E. Cheese decorum.

JAKE

Dad, I think you lost your shot with our waitress when it was obvious you kept ordering more pizzas to talk to her.

ALAN

I didn’t see you complaining when you kept eating them.

—–

This goes on for a while. You can see how I have perfectly mastered the dialogue for Two and a Half Men. Here are the beats for the rest of the episode.

  • Jake the Fat Kid and Alan instantly suspect Charlie of hiding something in the closet. Jake assumes it’s early Christmas presents. He continually tries to sneak a peek in the closet.
  • Every attempt Charlie makes to get the body out of the house is interrupted by either Jake, Alan, Berta the maid, Alan and Charlie’s mother, Rose the crazy neighbor or Charlie having a bad case of hangover sickness.
  • Alan’s ex-wife Judith shows up in the third act with her new boyfriend, a cop. A cop who always brings his K-9 partner with him. The dog soon starts barking and pawing at the closet. Charlie distracts him by setting fire to the kitchen.
  • Eventually Berta is looking for a mop and opens the closet. The dead girl tumbles out in front of the entire group.
  • I don’t know how to end it. Probably Charlie goes away to jail. He can write commercial jingles in prison, using the bars of his cell as musical instruments.

Thanks, Charlie Sheen. Your life became too close to reality that this script is ruined.

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About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on March 10, 2011, in Chad Quandt, Television and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. lame…..first of all you don’t even know the proper format for a sitcom script. second, if you’re a good writer than you will be able to write another script for a diferent show or something……

    • Moamar,

      This is a joke script. Something I was writing half-heartedly. I did not expect to get hired on Two and a Half Men with this.

      WordPress (the site we useto write) does not have a script format option. It’s meant for posting pictures of mostly naked girls and talking about your favorite cakes. I had to work within the limits of the system.

      Thanks for reading. Hope you got some of our jokes on our other articles.

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