I Need a Mentor

Guys, I’m not going to lie to you.

My twenties aren’t going great.

Not actually my space, but close enough to hurt.

I’m single with no idea how to approach women and I have zero inkling on what they want. Not just from me, but in general. They need air and water, right? And walks?

I was hoping to be able to use my degree in some form at this point and get paid for it, but I chose English as my degree because I’m fucking stupid, and I’m not getting paid to use it in LA because I’m still bad it. Or I don’t know the right people. Or Entourage is a hit and I don’t know how to function in a ruined world where that’s a thing that’s happened.

Last Saturday I spent so much time playing video games that when I got done, it was dark out and I forgot to eat. I considered that night a success.

It’s become readily apparent that I stopped developing mentally and emotionally somewhere between ages eight and a eleven.

Obviously I need a mentor. I need someone to guide me through various pitfalls of life and teach me how to avoid tragedy and capitalize on opportunity.

Here are some potential molders of Matt…

Who: Bruce Lee

I'm batting a thousand for hitting myself in the back of my head when trying to dual wield the 'chucks.

From: Enter the Dragon, the Chinese Connection, neighborhood gang wars, the Green Hornet
Why: Bruce Lee was nature’s most efficient killing machine surpassing the T-Rex, great white shark, and tiger with jet pack in terms of combined speed, power, and ruthless, savage cunning. He mastered the one inch punch which would make you devastating in super close quarters, while tied up, or if surprised by ninjas when trying to remove your coat. He also took martial arts and combined them with philosophies outside of each fighting form and pushed them into the modern era. If one fighting style had a better punch and another a kick, instead of trying to compensate or become an apologist for one style or the other, he combined both and made it work for him. He’s also an Asian guy who landed a blond girl, which I think makes him Emperor in the old country.
Downside: He’s either dead, on Amelia Earhart’s secret island with JFK, Elvis, Marilyn, Biggie, and Pac, or got plastic surgery to infiltrate the Asian underworld where he can best strike at organized crime’s dark heart.


Who: Batman

Now he's unstoppable.

From: Gotham City
Why: Batman is in the top ten for every single skill on the planet. If he can’t outfight you, he’ll out think you. If he can’t do that, he’ll invent a gadget to mess you up. His combination of physicality, sheer brilliance, and indomitable will make him the very best you can be before you have to take drugs or become a cyborg. He’s the Renaissance Man of breaking clavicles. Also, lest we forget, he’s the God. Damn. Bat. Man.
Downside: I’m actually really dumb when you get down to it. Plus, as a physical specimen, I’m lacking in every single area. I’m not even the average height for a man in America. I could blame a lot of that on Filipino genes, but Batman doesn’t make excuses. Frankly, his workout routine would ruin me. I almost died today lifting weights for 45 minutes. I can’t imagine trying to bench 450, while escaping from a straitjacket, before being dumped in acid while Alfred shoots pirahanas at you. Laugh, but it’s come up. Multiple times. The Joker’s getting really creative these days. Which bring me to the next problem, fighting Batman’s rogues gallery. Those guys are nuts. They aren’t simple bank robbers, or blowhards trying to prove their superiority to Superman or Green Lantern. They’re all serial killers who are twisted geniuses bending their brilliance toward chaos and evil. I’d last ten seconds. Tops. Finally, I don’t know where Gotham is. It’s in Jersey somewhere, according to the Atlas of the DC Universe, but man, fuck Jersey.


Who: Lt. Jean Rasczak

Leader, philosopher, molder of men, and bug stomper.

From: Mobile Infantry, Rasczak’s Roughnecks, Starship Troopers (film version)
Why: Because Lt. Rasczak makes men. And women. He’s not partial or particular. The man takes kids and turns them into disasters that walk on two legs. Through a combination of physical hardship, mental duress, and unflinching discipline he will turn you into a person that can go head to head with the Bugs, make love to a woman in a war zone, and return to Earth as a productive member of society, but more importantly, as a citizen. This is for all you new people: he only has one rule; everyone fights; no one quits. If you run, he’ll shoot you himself. Or if you’re grabbed by the Bugs. And he expects each of you to do the same for him. That’s awesome.
Downside: He’s from the future, which will make getting to him difficult. Like Batman, part of the way he’ll give me guidance and structure is grueling physical conditioning and putting me in harm’s way using a careful combination of push-ups and suicide missions deep into Arachnid territory. Mama Loman’s baby boy cannot, I repeat, cannot be put into any situation where it’s possible for him to get his brains sucked out.


Carl Spackler

Cannonbaaaall! Cannonball comiiiinnng!

From: Bushwood Country Club, Caddyshack
Why: Carl is sort of the polar opposite of the men mentioned before, as he desires no self-improvement. He seeks to accomplish he immediate goals (general keeping of grounds, gopher genocide [gophercide]), but for the most part simply is. While the Dude also ‘is,’ Carl actually has a job, which puts him one over Lebowski as this mentor program is a journey of enlightenment and self-improvement. Carl accepts his lot in life, and simply keeps moving forward. There is a certain innocence to the man, even his dreams involve making golf better for others. He’s spend untold time synthesizing a new breed of grass that allows one to play 36 holes all afternoon then go home and get stoned to the bejeezus belt on it. Goddamnit, this is one zen motherfucker. Before I get a comment or text about it, Ty Webb is also a zen motherfucker, but I came into this world a bigger Murray fan, and I’ll leave it a bigger Murray fan, Community’s awesomeness be damned.
Downside: I’m greedy, and fairly sure I make more than Carl as he is stuck in the 1980’s. While going the route of acceptance, assured that my reward will be total consciousness upon my deathbed, I want more. I have a voice and something to say. Mostly dick jokes and car chases, but it’s a big world; surely someone out there wants to laugh at toilet humor and sit through shoot outs in hospitals. I fear Carl will stifle that with Bob Marley joints and rodent vengeance.


Nathan Drake

Nice scarf, hipster.

From: Most recently Tibet, Naughty Dog’s Uncharted series
Why: Forgetting the fact that he looks like a male model, has a kill count approaching quadruple digits, and has saved the world twice, once from zombies, the second time from invincible eastern Europeans, Drake and I have a lot in common. We screw up a lot, and most of our successes have less to do with talent or forward planning, but more to do with being able to think fast on our feet and a spectacular record of saying the wrong thing to nearly every woman we encounter. This goes a little better for Drake since he is a good-looking man of danger and mystery. Basically, Drake is an awkward screw-up who made good, and my hope is he can do something with this awkward screw-up.
Downside: Have you ever played an Uncharted game? Drake’s upper body strength could be described as prodigious. Half the game is hanging from shit while being shot at, leaping from handhold to handhold like a clumsy Spider-Man. I honestly think Drake resents when he has to use his legs. Me doing push-ups is sad, and me trying to do pull-ups is goddamn hilarious. Not to mention Drake’s basic uniform is a thermal shirt and pants. I overheat easily, and this dude spends a lot of times in the jungle and in the next one, goes to the goddamn desert, which, according to the trailers, is on fire. Fuck. That.



*guitar solo*

From: The Ancient Greece of Myth, Sony’s God of War franchise
Why: Homeboy’s swol.’ On top of that he has a facial tattoo that doesn’t look stupid, and he’s too manly to use a bow, but realizes the need for ranged attacks. Plan A was tying chains to swords and grafting the other end to his forearms. That’s outside the box thinking. He has the ability to identify a problem, adapt to it, and display some of that good ol’ fashioned pure rugged. The guy’s resume includes rallying Sparta, usurping the throne of War by killing Ares, dying three times and fighting his way out of Hell, and murdering nearly the entire Olympic Pantheon and several Titans. The guy just gets shit done.
Downside: I need help finishing scripts I start, and budgeting my time so I can accomplish stuff and not give up due to scheduling. I get the feeling that Kratos’ solution to my problems will begin with “murder” and end with “super murder.” While unbelievably focused, he tends to have tunnel vision which helps accomplish goals like killing Zeus on top of a crumbling Mount Olympus, but this also explains why he murdered his family and is now covered in their ashes as reminder, which is the most metal thing you’ll read all week.


Who: Leon

It's fine. He goes through every room like that.

From: New York City, the Professional
Why: The man’s indestructable. Bullets slide off him. He plays with them. Leon is the best, most efficient hitman in New York, and possibly the entire world, excluding Hong Kong (Chow Yun-Fat is still alive, and therefore, still number one). He’s a driven man who keeps his appoinments, and sticks to his code. He wakes up, drinks his milk, works out, waters his plants, and then either goes to the movies or kill a lot of people, who the story is very careful to point out, really, really deserve it. Leon would keep me on schedule; make sure I don’t neglect working out and good eating habits, and he’d teach me how to snipe, shoot, and stab anyone and everyone.
Downside: I don’t like milk. We’d go to war over Natalie Portman.* I would lose. Hard.

*I know she was like 14 in that movie, but I was 12 when it came out and first saw it. Be cool.


Who: Detective Tequila

*yawn* Just another average day here on the police force.

From: Hong Kong, John Woo’s Hard Boiled
Why: Tequila doesn’t sit around waiting for someone else to show up and solve his problems, and he doesn’t wait for anyone’s permission to get results. Oh, you want him to stay away from a case involving a gang war? Well, maybe he’ll just swing down from the ceiling using a rope and firing an automatic weapon like a crazy person at their secret meeting. You don’t have the evidence to raid the hospital the bad guys might be using to stash weapons? How about he goes anyway and starts the 40 minute gunfight that ends the movie? Sorry, Chief. Sorry he didn’t do the proper paperwork and kiss enough ass with the upper brass. I guess he was too busy GETTING RESULTS.
Downside: The guy’s nuts. I mean, straight up, out of his mind. If he goes five minutes without emptying his clip into a man’s face, he gets the shakes. I’m not exaggerating any of this. He swung down from the ceiling like Tarzan pulling the trigger, but aiming at nothing. Then when that gun ran out, he pulled out a shotgun which was designed to make dirt bikes explode. The gunfight at the hospital is long as hell and almost everyone in that building regardless of affiliation died. I can’t hang with that. I need results and I need to stop being so damn timid around certain people, but Jesus, Tequila there’s a line.


Who: Kurt Russell

You're awesome.

From: Big Trouble in Little China, the Thing, Tombstone, Miracle, your mind everytime you sit down and think about sheer damn manliness.
Why: He’s Kurt Russell. He’s awesome. I mean, do I need the fast-talking-hard-fighting Jack Burton or the steely-eyed-plainspoken-man-pushed-too-far Wyatt Earp? I’d learn how to survive aliens, beat the Russians, demon crime lords, and the Clantons (fuckin’ Clantons), plus I’d be friends with Kurt Russell AND Val Kilmer.
Downside: Straight up, I’m just not cool enough or man enough to hang with Kurt Russell.


Who: Titus Pullo

The last thing most ancient civilizations saw before being wiped out.

From: The Edge of Civilization, Rome, Egypt, HBO’s Rome
Why: Titus has already proven himself an excellent tutor in the manly arts of fighting, drinking, and whoring. The man can out fight, out drink, and, according to himself several times throughout the series, out fuck any man, Roman or otherwise. While a lout and not as smart as his friend, Lucius Vorenus, Titus has demonstrated a recognition that he needs redemption. He understands that he must improve as a man and that just being a soldier, or a leg breaker  isn’t enough. Under Pullo’s careful and measured instruction I’d learn how to fight like ten men, drink like twenty, and learn where are all the best whorehouses are in the republic and beyond.
Downside: Have you ever actually watched Rome? These people are hard as fuck. I’m soft as shit. The discipline to stand in a phalanx and do your job in the face of the terror that is axe-wielding savages throwing themselves into your lines is unbelievable. It is such a foreign concept to me that Pullo may as well be from another species. Are you serious? The quickest way to becoming a man is to let some cruel motherfuckers try to poke me with swords and spears? He bit a man’s tongue out while holding an axe. He could have just used the axe. Went for the bite.  Bail. We are bailing on this.


Who: Raylan Givens (note: I’ll be referring to this character as “Justified” from now on. Mostly because it’s funnier)

He doesn't pull his gun unless he intends to kill his target. He pulls his gun a lot.

From: Harlan County, Kentucky, Justified
Why: Justified does what he wants. He shoots people who don’t do what he tells them like leave town, not pull guns on him, don’t break the law, etc. He’ll sleep with the suspect in a murder AND his ex-wife and not give a shit. He’ll mess up the operations of meth gangs, pot queens, and the Dixie Mafia, and still go to a speak-easy in a dry county to get a buzz on while he tells career criminals and neo-Nazis to watch their asses. Despite all the shooting and screwing the guy does his job. Maybe not by the book or how his superiors would prefer, but judge the ends not the means. Screw rules; just do work, and we’ll play with the paperwork later. He’s the most bad-ass multi-tasker, ever.
Downside: Justified has ice water in his veins. He cannot give a fuck. Put a gun in his face. Take a hostage. Put him in a shitty cabin far from civilization surrounded by people with guns, and his speech patterns sound like you asked him for the time or if he was commenting on the weather. I give a fuck. I give lots of fucks, and as much as I’d like to stop caring, and just do shit, I’ll be killed by some hillbilly and have my body dropped down a mineshaft long before I’ll be as cool as Justified.


Who: Bugs Bunny

Game recognize game.

From: A Hole in the Ground, Looney Tunes
Why: He’s a fast-talking smart aleck who can get himself into and out of any situation. Bring guns. Bring hunters. Bring bears. Bring wildcats. Bring opera singers. Bring vikings. Bring the Martians. Do your worst, Bugs will still be the one left standing at the end. He is infinitely adaptable, perhaps the organism best suited for survival in any environment, but still maintains an affable sense of humor. He would also help me to eat my vegetables.
Downside: I think Bugs blew out his adrenals a long time ago. He gets his kicks pissing off people with guns, so he can tie their double barreled shotgun into a knot. Way, way, way, too many of his extractions from sticky situations involve cross-dressing. I just don’t have the legs to pull off a skirt.


John Wayne

I say we make his face a permanent part of the flag.

From: Existence.
Why: Is John Wayne.
Downside: I am not.
See you guys Thursday.



Posted on March 14, 2011, in Comics, History Lessons, Lists, Matt Loman, Movies, Television and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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