The Caveman Journals Vol I of I: “Guh”
11:05 – Guh still tired. Sun up in sky but body no want move. Guh need motivation.
12:04 – Laundry pile as high as cave open. Should start cleaning clothes and not keep buying more.
12:10 – Guh leave out milk out last night. Spoiled. No breakfast for Guh.
12:30 – Mom Guh called to say that Brother Guh finish med school. Takes many wives and lives in new cave. Guh hate Brother Guh.
1:25 – Soak for 3 hours in hot mud pool and look at volcano. Guh write poem.
Sky Fire Burning Bright
Have mud pool all to myself
Still hate brother Guh
4:23 – Guh clean off mud at tribe pool. Lady stare at Guh, but not in good way. Guh stare back. Guh scare lady. Guh count as win.
4:35 – Stop by store and buy Rock Soup.
4:59 – Eat lap cloth.
5:06 – Walk home bare. Air good on sack. Guh no care.
6:23 – Get home. Decide to write. Guh novel won’t finish by Guh novel self.
6:46 – Eat one more lap cloth. Not bad but probably wash first next eat.
6:48 – Make note to buy more lap cloth. Guh still hungry.
7:00 – Beer O clock.
7:23 – Find rat beast in cave. Guh smash rat beast with rock. Guh Laugh.
8:00 – Still Beer O clock
11:00 – Guh know that brother Guh had to work very hard to be Brother Doctor Guh. Brother Guhs wives super fuckin hot. Mom Guh say Guh just jealous. Perhaps Guh should write more poems. Ladies love poems. Yes. That is plan. I write more poem. Finish novel. Make show of novel. Buy biggest cave. Then steal brother doctor Guh wives for Guh self because I am the best now Brother Doctor Guh. See Mom Guh! I can do it. NO Guh no need you to wash my lap cloth. Guh can do it guh self but no feel like it. Shit.
12:32 – Guh wake up naked in field. Tiny animal chewing on Guhs leg.
1:05 – Tomorrow Guh turn life around.
This is the last entry in the journal of caveman Guh . The remains of the caveman were discovered centuries later fossilized in his sleeping space along with the contents of his journal. Markings on the remains of caveman Guh, around the walls of his living space, and the piles of dinosaur bones nearby lead experts to conclude that the caveman died on his sleeping stone after being ambushed by a pack of Velociraptors in his sleep.
Further analysis of the scratches showed evidence that the death was not quick. It appeared that that each of the caveman’s limbs were pinned to the ground by one of each of the raptors claws. He was slowly eaten from the legs up. Picked clean one limb at a time. Special thanks to the paleontologist for providing the images taken from the scene of the discovery as well as to the Society of Cave Person Translators for additional information and materials used in this article.