F–k It: a Henchman’s Two Weeks

Are you fucking serious? There is no way in hell I’m going out there. There’s a fucking Jedi out there and he’s carving bitches up. I can’t even believe it.

If they all get their ID picture taken with the helmet on, how do they tell each other apart?

He just fell from the sky from probably like a million fucking feet and he got his laser sword or whatever and just started chopping people up. It’s completely fucked down here. All these body arms and shit and half people with burnt off ends.

Sick.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a picture of Stormtroopers getting fucked up? That's what 90% of the internet should be. C'mon, geeks, we've got to get our shit together.

I’m not even supposed to fucking be here. It’s my day off, and I’m here because Charlie had to have his commitment ceremony today, and I wasn’t even invited if you can believe it.

I can’t.

Jesus fuck, did you see what he did to Mark? He cut his body into pieces and then threw the parts at everyone. That’s gross. And disrespectful.

Yup. Seems about right.

Good, go! I hope you go tell the Grand Moff. Tell Vader. Tell the Emperor, I don’t even give a shit. I’m wearing bright armor with no peripheral vision or style, and I’ve got to fight some psychic lightning ninja.

Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dun-dunh-dah-dunh-dah

Fuck this shit. I can’t deal with it. I’m going back to bar tending.

*-*-*

Ah, the docks. Romance is in the air.

This is bullshit.

Holy shit. Remember when I complained about finding stormtroopers losing being hard? GIS thugs, henchman, guards, etc. Jesus.

No, man, listen, we can’t beat the Bat. No one can. Did you hear what he did to Freeze’s crew?

He hung them upside down from a jet and dragged them through the harbor. Hand to God, man! Freeze is like half robot and Batman kicked the shit out of him. You know Legs McKenzie? Batman broke his collarbone in two places. He flew down, grabbed Legs, and by the time they followed the screaming, Legs was busted up and the Bat flew away for another pass.

The version on 'Batman: the Animated Series' is one of the best characters on a series filled with amazing personalities.

No, he can fly, too. That’s why he’s always crashing through skylights and shit. No, I don’t know why he can fly but has a jet, too. That Wonder chick from the Justice League flies and has a plane or something. Maybe they get tired flying everywhere. You’re just being an assho–

What the fuck was that?

Exactly. There’s no noise.

You have no idea.

There! By the crates! I saw something move! It wasn’t a shadow! There’s no fucking light to cast a fucking shadow! Okay, I’m going to head over there, and flush him out. You get up high so you can cover me, got it?

Fitzy, for once in your life I need you to answer me. Can you get up hi-

Yeah, this guy seems like winner. He's a real difference maker.

Fitzy? FITZY?

Fuck you, Black Mask! You don’t pay me enough for this shit! I’m done! You hear me, Bat!? I’m done!

WHERE ARE YOU?

HERE.

FUCKTHISSHIT.

*-*-*

Gruntley is proud member of Covenant. Gruntley goes where Gruntley is needed.

God, I love murdering these little sons of bitches.

Elites tell Gruntley that Prophets tell Elites that Gruntley and Elites go to ‘Urt.’ Great Journey begins for Covenant at ‘Urt.’ There Gruntley will become great hero and will get many females and never have to wait in line or share food nipple, again.

There! Gruntley sees ‘Urt!’ Gruntley will kill many humans here and then Gruntley is hero. What could possibly stop Covenant with so many ships and guns? No one can stop all of us. Elites will help Gruntley win war. Elites and Gruntley will be heroes.

Remember in Halo 1? How terrifying these guys were? Sword guys are the worst.

Gruntley is very brave and very smart and very tough. That is why Gruntley is part of first wave. To fight in the first wave the Prophets pick only brave and smart and tough soldiers. Gruntley worked very hard and the Prophets know how hard Gruntley worked so Prophets give Gruntley prize of being hero. Gruntley is at the front of Covenant attack on ‘Urt.’ There are many others, with many guns, and we can not be stopped by any stupid human.

Choose Your Own Caption - 'Breaking Stuff to Look Tough,' or 'I Could Have Been Your Daddy.'

DEMON.

Gruntley is out! Gruntley will fuck this shit! Gruntley doesn’t need females! Females never liked Gruntley! Gruntley liked waiting in line for food nipple! Gave Gruntley time to talk to Gruntley’s friends and get strong in friendship! Gruntley would like to stay on the ship and fly up to the bigger ship and then fly away from ‘Urt’ and the Demon! Please.

Welcome to it.

Please don’t send Gruntley out there. Gruntley had so much left to do. Gruntley was going back to art school once Gruntley saved up enough from service to Covenant. Gruntley never saw moons of Sangelios in double eclipse.

Gruntley never knew love…

*-*-*

See you dude-dudes and lady-dudes Monday,

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Posted on March 22, 2011, in Character, Comics, Matt Loman, Movies and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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