The Superpower Encyclopedia: Self-Duplication

Ladies and Gentlemen, today we revisit an ongoing series for the LOLJK crew, the “Super Power Encyclopedia.” Where we break down typical super powers for you, the reader, and then provide a simple step-by-step process to follow gain said power.  Pretty exciting stuff.

SELF-DUPLICATION

Also Known as:
Double Trouble, The Army of One, Insta-Orgy

Prime Examples:
The Multiple Man, Multiplex, Piccalo

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Description:
Self duplication is the ability to create exact physical copies of oneself, ranging from one to an army of yous.  In some cases the original has the ability to control and reabsorb their replicas at will.

Associated Powers:

* Multi-tasking – Let’s face it, if there were an unlimited number of you sharing a single consciousness, you’d get a lot of shit done.  One watching a movie, one doing the laundry, one walking the dog, one spending that all important alone time with the girlfriend, another spending that all important bone time with the new girl at work.  Put it to good use!

* Your Own Clique – Did you have trouble making friends in high school? College? At any time? Well, look no further! You are your best friend! You’re your own biker gang, basketball team, fishing boat crew, or Blackwater-esque mercenary for hire crew.

Mandalorian jet packs and armor are not required for your duplicate merc army. Unless you love the feeling of testosterone and adrenaline pumping through your veins.

* Threesomes ALL THE TIME – Its common knowledge that the ultimate sexual exploit is the coveted threesome.  And multiples of you make sure that the boot knockin’ is taken to the next level every time you enter the bedroom.  Granted, its not the “cool” kind of threesome, BUT come on!! Ultimately, what’s the difference between jerking off and your duplicate giving  you a reach around?

Weaknesses:

* Suicide – You spend all day and all night with yourself and you just realized that you literally hate yourself.  You’re whiny, lazy,  always bumming cigarettes of yourself, and always turn off the water in the shower without turning off the the shower head.  You finally understand why none of your relationships have gone beyond a drunken one night stand and a hearty handshake the next morning as they give you the boot.  No where to go from here really except to slobber on the end of a gun barrel and pull the trigger.
** PRO TIP!!! Make sure you kill your duplicates first!

* Indecision – With the ability to basically do whatever you want, whenever you want, where do you start?  You have trouble deciding what to look at on the internet because the options are limitless. Hence why your browser history only has porn and Facebook in it.  So imagine an army of you trying to decide on…well…anything. Besides just trying to decide what world crisis to stop first, it would completely cripple your private life as well.  What movie to see, where to go to dinner (even though you know Number 37’s  suggestion to go to Medieval Times was baller), whether or not you want to pay for the premium cable package. Super heroes are men of action, and seldom perplexed by whether they want the Number 9. Pad Thai or the Number 37. Yellow Curry with Chicken.

They didn't bring my Thai Iced Tea. Now my whole day is ruined.

Obtaining Self-Duplication:
Most people who have this ability are born with it.  Blame the meta-gene or some horrific mutation. There are even rumors of people who have devoted their lives to studying the martial arts and claim to be able to split themselves into multiple mirror images that can be used for misdirection against an opponent.
What we’re saying is that its impossible for you to somehow “gain” this ability.  But it’s alright.  Let us show you how you can fake it.

  1. Acquire money. We recommend taking advantage of the slowly recovering real estate market. But if you’re in a rush, a Ponzi scheme started under a fake name and company is a great way to go.
  2. Hire actors that look like you. (ideally ones that are cool with the reach around thing)
  3. Hold a three week “Act Like Me” camp for the actors to truly grasp the essence and character that is “you.” Classes such as: “How to Misread Women” “How to Suck at Racquetball” and your 4 part symposium “My Uncle John: The Reason I have Night Terrors” are all good examples.
  4. Let your duplicates free on the world.
  5. Send them daily updates via teleconference and e-mail, detailing things like what you’re wearing that day and how you’re feeling.  This will also allow you to organize massive events involving you and yourselves anywhere in the world.
  6. Have your duplicates keep journals of their days so you can “gain their knowledge.” It’s like a 16 yr old girl’s version of the Highlander.
  7. On your deathbed press the secret button on the amulet you wear around you neck to activate the bombs you implanted in the base of the skulls of the actors during their physical for “you camp.”

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

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About Kyle McVey

I like stuff and feel ways about things.

Posted on March 23, 2011, in Comics, LOLJK, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. So wait, do the duplicates share one mind or not? It seems like you switched between both interpretations freely for comedy’s sake, there.

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