All Life is Sacred to God: A Perspective, by Billy the Pro-life Dinosaur
And hello. My name is Billy. Billy the pro-life dinosaur.
You might recognize me from such films as Jurassic Park, and Jurassic Park II. Also, Jurassic Park III.
And I’d to talk to you about abortion.
When I was a teenage dinosaur, my life was out of control. I experimented with dinosaur drugs. I engaged in dinosaur fornication. Male, female, triceratops- it didn’t matter. I was an addict. Drugs and sex and the thrill of the starchy, salted musk of an ovulating virgin dinosaur- I gave myself over to wickedness. I even, in the throws of my willful teenage rebellion, dabbled in dinosaur witchcraft and made pledge to dinosaur Satan. I was on a one-way ticket to the lake of fire- not the many actual lakes of fire resulting from increased volcanic activity, but the metaphorical but also literally interpreted so equally existent lake of fire in Hell. But then, when I was at the depths of darkness, I met a friend.
He picked me up where I’d fallen and set me on the path, showing me where my life of avarice and vicious dinosaur secularism would take me. He showed me the emptiness of worldly pursuits and taught me to value the treasure I would have in heaven for living a righteous life. My friend showed me that I was a sinner, but also that I could be saved. He told me that no matter what I did and what I’d done, he loved me, and everything would be okay. He’s my best friend, and he’s your best friend too.
Because his name is Jesus Christ, and in Him I am saved.
Now I’m not here to preach at you. I’m just here to have a one-sided conversation expressing an inflexible opinion based on a series of assumptions that I am entirely unwilling to examine. This is a discussion. A rap session, even. Where you are allowed to offer any ideas and questions you can think up. Really, any at all, whatever they may be. So long as they don’t undermine anything I believe implicitly or explicitly, because America is a free country and I am free to believe what I want so long as I can force you to believe it as well, or at the very least publicly acknowledge that you do.
I know there are a lot of problems in the world. War. Disease. Poverty. Disaster. Famine. But what most people don’t understand is that these problems are not the logical result of scarcity of resources in the face of overpopulation and vast wealth disparity stemming from several hundred years of European colonial imperialism. These problems result from God’s displeasure. And what has God so wroth, you ask?
Because God treasures life. All life. Every life. Every single living, breathing thing is precious to God. God weeps with every single tiny, helpless human life that is so callously murdered by the indifference of “modern” society. God cares so much about the sanctity of human life that He sends earth quakes and hurricanes to kill people when they do not treasure human life. He bestows or withholds His blessing on nations whose laws and culture revere life, preventing or causing droughts and economic collapses that leave wretchedness and suffering in their wake. Because He loves us. Because He wants us to be good and treasure all life as much as He does. Or He will kill us. Praise God.
This is why we must end the monstrous practice of abortion- to spare the innocent children. The pink… soft… delicious… innocent human children.
So if America wants to see its economy recover, we must change our lives and our land in order to be in accordance with Biblical law. Once America again becomes the worthy Right Hand of God, those godless Red Chinese will be entirely helpless to compete with our divinely ordained goods and services exports. And the E.U.? More like the E-Jew. Everyone in my anti-government Bible-study/survivalist group is perfectly aware that the European Union is just a front group for the Zionist Communist New World Order Conspiracy, seeking to make God-fearing American Dinosaurs like me their slaves through their non-binding UN resolutions.
God’s blessing would have a similar effect in our wars overseas. Right now, thousands of good, brave American soldiers are putting their lives on the line to defend the freedoms we use to force other people to agree with us, and their noble sacrifice goes unhonored. The only way to achieve victory in Iraq and Afghanistan is to abolish secularism and recognize America as a truly Christian nation, in both word and deed. After all, how else will we ever be able to triumph in the culture war with the brutal theocracies of the Middle East unless we ourselves become a brutal theocracy? The answer is self-evident.
Just to be clear and preempt my wacky liberal critics, my position on abortion and living by God’s law has nothing to do with controlling women. Using pregnancy and child-rearing to force women into social roles that are subservient to men in no way motivates me into endorsing laws that force them into compulsory pregnancy and child-rearing. Further, a desire to exert control over the roles women play in society has never motivated or influenced any pro-life advocate ever, in the history of the world. All 6,000 years of it.
And to go a step further, my position on abortion has nothing to do with obstinately focusing on a singular symbol of modernity and the ascendancy of science as the dominant belief system of a world and culture in which religion is increasingly irrelevant to the lives or every day people. I am not afraid of a rapidly changing world or future technologies that are unimaginable to me in my current historical context- I just want the world to stay the same because it’s worked pretty well so far, mostly for me and the people/dinosaurs who are closely related to and/or look like me. Why, sometimes it is almost enough to make me want to throw up my tiny vestigial tyrannosaur arms in surrender.
This is why, with the 2012 election just around the corner, I would like to volunteer myself to replace the traditional Elephant mascot of the Republican Party. Think about it. We’re powerful. Many of us have primitive forms of selective vision. Plus, dinosaurs will be the steed of choice for Jesus once he comes back. After all, what better symbolizes all the hopes, dreams, and aspirations of the future than the dinosaur?
America sits on a crossroads. A knife’s edge. A fork in the path. An axis of history. On the edge of a cliff. On the crest of a wave. At the foot of a valley. On the top of a peak. At the start of a journey. At the end of the road.
The only thing that can save us, as individuals and as a nation is God. So we must turn to Him and obey Him and live as He commands. And may God strike me down if I am wrong.
PS- The Devil planted my bones in the geological stratum to test your faith.
(Note: This is a work of satire. I am not a pro-life dinosaur. My name is Adam and I am a human who lives in the Midwest.)