I Got Your Crossover Right Here *Points to Crotch*

I hate crossovers in comics.

Remember Ben Reilly? Fuck the 90's.

That’s not true. I like the small ones. A story that take place across all the Avengers’ titles or the X-Titles, or the now shitload of Green Lantern titles doesn’t have to be a bad thing, because they’re usually relevant, and sometimes move actual plot and characterization forward, plus, and this is the big one, I can follow along in the actual titles I buy month to month, and not worry about having to pick up a mini-series or a one-shot to keep up with the event. All the X-titles crossing over makes sense. If Apocalypse or,  more recently, Dracula, showed up, why wouldn’t you call for help?

But, Lord, do I hate company-wide crossovers.

I hate the mini-series that use characters from book I already read and embroiling them in story in the mini-series that they could do in the actual series. The only exception is if the proper title continues on with business as usual, and the mini only ties into the event. In that case, do as many minis as you want, but don’t interrupt the story I’ve been following for years with the new stupid event.

The cosmic stuff was way better and ignored by e'reyone at the company.

I hate that every title, regardless of setting (say gritty street crime or galactic epic) gets tied into the same event regardless of making sense.

I hate that good writers, hell, great writers, are confined, and forced to shoe-horn in elements in to their stories either losing what makes them become great or ruining the rhythm of an on-going plot.

I hate that they hype the book for nine months yet the art team that started it can never finish it. Listen, if you can’t turn in a book that you have months and months in advance to finish, guess what? You’re a cover artist! Now and forever! Get the Mahnke’s and the Romita Jr’s and let them make a book that looks great and comes out when it’s supposed to.

Like it never happened. Did they ever acknowledge that they killed a fellow superhero, or do they get a pass because Pym was a Skrull?

“When everything’s out and collected, no one will remember it shipped late.” Fuck you. That’s a bad attitude for an industry that’s rapidly becoming life support for creative properties until someone decides to make a movie based on them

I hate that the crossover stories never deliver because they have to be drawn broad since they want everyone to buy it, and everyone means a lot of different tastes.

I hate that when it comes time to do a crossover, I have to put my pull list on hold and don’t get to go to the comic book store as much.

Nearly all the Asians in the Marvel U are martial artists, but all the best martial artists are white. Great series, though.

Here’s the thing, though, as much as I hate the company-wide crossover, I’m not telling them to stop doing them. There are enough blogs and articles about that. It’s a business and consumers vote with their wallets, and these crossovers are the industry’s summer blockbusters. If every Siege, Blackest Night, Secret Invasion, and Fear Itself is made so companies can take a chance on books like Criminal, Casanova, Iron Fist, or the insanity that was FrankenCastle, more power to them.

Ridiculous, but a lot of fun.

Matt Fraction is one of my favorite writers and I hope Fear Itself launches him into the stratosphere, but not enough, you know, to buy it. Sorry.

All I want is the company to make these giant crossovers even more disposable. Do the giant event, have Spider-Man be quippy for five panels, have Captain America be inspiring for a page, let Batman have a plan, and let Superman make a last minute save and then never mention it again.

I still own this issue.

We already do that with the crappier crossovers, when’s the last time anyone discussed Our Worlds at War? I’m asking the companies to please be mindful that the crossover make no sweeping changes, unless it’s a new book. You want a new Avengers team? Give them their own book. Don’t introduce a character in an event and give them a big supporting role in an established franchise.

I used to complain about crappy villains, I mean, what exactly was Imperiex’s powerset? He shot purple? And what were his actual weaknesses? He’s immune to Superman until he’s not? I’m done with that. Leave actual working villains alone. Don’t steal a perfectly good bad guy from his nemesis and make him everyone’s bad guy.

Like Galactus if Galactus was shitty and looked like shit.

While I enjoyed how Osborne’s been handled since Dark Reign let’s be honest, if he looks at someone like Thor, Wolverine, or Frank Castle the wrong way, it’s over. He’s like the Joker, a huge threat against normal people and those with a code, say Batman or Spider-Man, but against someone with superpowers, a willingness to take lives, and is competent, that all adds up to a short criminal career.

Probably the breakout character of Dark Reign, Zodiac. Remember where you were when you first discovered Zodiac? Goddamn it, I love Zodiac. /sarcasm

Please, keep inventing giant, ominous, vague villains and threats who have “power” and are “strong.” Let them kill a couple C-listers no one’s thought about in years, or a B-Lister that you’re going to relaunch with a new person in the role. Leave the established guys to writers that are going to be working with them longer than 4 months.

Treat these events like the explosion-porn and pretty panel books that they are and let us get back to our stories, which were already in progress with no actual changes unless actually dictated by the creative team handling that book.

I want you to make money, comics. I want you to stick around forever. I want to be able to read about Batman, Invincible, and Wolverine long after the dementia sets in and I think Franklin and Valeria Richards are my grandkids that never visit, but please, make these lumbering, broad, cash cows as disposable as possible. I need them to matter less than they already do.

Here endeth the rant.

I’ll see you guys Thursday.


About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on March 28, 2011, in Comics, History Lessons, Lists, Matt Loman and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. Lomie, I still like your rants over most of the other stuff that ends up on this blog.I wish you wrote more and they wrote less. Or in the case of the “LOLJK” series, never wrote again.

    • quandtumtheory

      That hurts, Palette. It cuts deep. And I’m not even one of the LOLJK guys.

      • I dunno, Chad. The general rule that I have with creative projects is that I should be fired. This serves as my center. Still, thank God for unions, right?

        • quandtumtheory

          We’ve been trying to fire you since you sent us all bags of your fecal matter as part of your “employee evaluation”.

          • You know how it is. Adam doesn’t have to many tenets he lives by, but the one most revered is “Use poop as a medium.”

            I’ve learned to carry surgical gloves and anti-bacterial lotion when interacting with him.

            Apparently being constantly under threat of contact with his feces is not enough for me to give up on him. Go figure.

      • To be fair, Chad, I wasn’t trying to name names, and frankly I’m surprised anyone read my comment let alone commented on it. Also, you aren’t listed as one of the regular contributors any more — on the sidebar there is says Matt Loman, Adam Kornya and LOLJK. Of those three, Matt is the only writer whose work I enjoy.

        But since you asked: your stuff is kind of hit or miss with me. The Spider-Man article today was funny. Some of your other stuff, like your “Two and a Half Men Spec Script,” was not.

        I hope you don’t take it personally. I didn’t mean to hurt feelings, and it’s just my opinion. I’m a hack writer too, so what do I know?

        • I love Matt’s writing. That’s the reason I wanted to join up with the blog. Anyway, I’m flattered you even read my stuff- asking you to like it just seems pushy.

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