Dear Celebs: The Heroically Super Edition

Dear Wonder Woman Marketing Team.

Which one of you geniuses thought this was a good idea?

Turns out a hot girl in tight clothing doesn't just make everything okay.

You’ve made someone who’s supposed to be a warrior, diplomat, and in the TV series, a CEO look like she bought her costume off the rack of a Halloween store that specializes in “sexy costumes” (see also: whore).

I’ve complained about the over detailing of Spider-Man’s costumes, or the lack of any iconic detail in the X-Men’s movie suits, but you know what, at the end of the day, I could never ever have access to those suits. I can’t even begin to tell you what material Spidey’s costume is made from and the X-Men are equipped in what I assume is some kind of space age leather that actually has a degree of flexibility and breathes. Like their powers and adventures, these costumes are beyond me. I’ve actually seen Wonder Woman’s costume at a store in the aisle for off brand knock offs.

I think it's foam. What about you, Parker?

Then you release this picture.

That certainly is a thing that's happening.

Apparently, there’s a fine, fine, fine line between “determined crime fighter” and “Lord, let me get home before I shit my pants.”

You can’t just throw a name creator at a comic book property and hope it comes out awesome. Especially when they guy has no idea what the fuck he’s working with, because he’ll brainstorm things like transforming jet fighters and multiple identities. This is not entirely your fault. Nolan and Favreau make it look easy.

This is because they’re good at their jobs.

Let me stop you before you protest.

And we wonder why girl geeks are so rare and elusive.




Dear Captain America,

Tommy gun. Baller.

Please don’t suck. Please. I’m begging you, just don’t suck.

I like Chris Evans. I like Hugo Weaving. I like that you’re using Bryan Hitch’s WWII-era costume for Cap, at least initially.

The Howard Hughes in this universe is way less nuts than the one in ours.

But man, is your director making me nervous. Don’t get me wrong, I liked the Rocketeer, hell, I own the Rocketeer, but that movie is fun, not great. Jurassic Park III has a scene where the raptors, who hunt in coordinated packs, open doors, and do algebra, are confused when a human standing right in front of them makes noise like they make. Also, Jumanji.

Captain America is absolutely the cornerstone of the Avengers film, and I don’t mean he’s the leader and is the heart and soul of the team, though he is those things. I mean the movie will not work if he doesn’t. They laid some ground work in both Iron Man movies but he can still be Iron Man and go on adventures without the Avengers. Same thing with Thor. Sure he gets picked up by SHIELD and Clark Gregg shows up to be the only SHIELD agent with a name, and therefore a future, but he can still be Thor.

If there are no Avengers, then there’s no one to wake Cap up.

If this movie sucks, then there’s no reason to wake Cap up, because generally, one wants to let shitty dogs lie, or the rest of the Avengers movie is tainted.

Now, I’m trying to be optimistic. I’m really trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but having Howard Stark do the David Caruso in CSI Miami sunglasses thing in the trailer is not helping.

I get it, the Super Soldier Program thing is unbelievable, but haven’t we as a society, as consumers of media and creators of art, moved past the go to action that let people know something was unbelievable in the ’80’s? Is there no other way the actor could convey disbelief then to slowly tilt his  sunglasses?

I’m going to give up on being a writer and comedian, and just hire myself out to be on movies at every level of production where I’ll have a rolled-up newspaper and hit people on the nose and tell them ‘no!’ They can veto my ideas, and they don’t have to listen to me, and it’s not like I’m going to hit them hard, but they need to know that someone with nothing to gain from this movie thinks what they’re doing is comparable to a dog dragging its ass across the carpet.

I know it’s a small thing. I realize that it’s nerd rage channeled into highly specific, incredibly dumb nit-picking, but a bunch of little things like that can add up. Not giving a shit that early in the movie leads to a lot of laziness, cut corners, and general lack of imagination later in the movie when I really need Cap to backflip off a motorcycle, throw his shield, land on someone else’s motorcycle, throw that guy off, and catch his shield like a boss, but instead will get someone taking a football to the crotch and cutting to a monkey covering its eyes.



Dear Green Lantern,

It's cool. He's got this.

Why aren’t you Nathan Fillion?

I just…I can’t…I don’t even…you know?

He's already wearing green!

Nothing against Ryan Reynolds. I like the guy. Sure he’s tall, good looking, has an eight pack, possesses a self-awareness alien to most good looking actors, and has been inside Scarlett Johansson, and thus, I should, as someone short troll-like, hate him with every atom of my being, but I don’t.

I take it back. I do hate him.

I think he was inspired casting as Deadpool in the Wolverine movie until I saw it. Yes, Fox, the best thing to do with a smart-ass like Deadpool and a smart ass like Ryan Reynolds was to make him mute and Baraka. That’s hardly Ryan’s fault. You can’t sell material when they won’t let you actually work with it.

How does he bend his arms when they're in?

But good God, Fillion is Hal Jordan. Same jaw line, hair color, cocky goofiness but still has a dangerous edge, and the same dreamy eyes that you can get lost in knowing that you’ll always be safe–

I'm just sayin,' Bro 2 Bro, that's a good looking man.


I meant titties.

And how much I love them. On girls.

Totes, titties, amirite? Where my dawgz at?



Dear Scarlett Johansson,

That whole hate thing's getting worse.


Sean Penn?

Really, Sean Penn, really?

The man can act. No doubt about that.


That's what I look like with my shirt off.

To this.
All women are nuts all the time.



Dear Warner Bros.,

Rebooting Batman after the Nolan reboot is ridiculous.

I'll live to be a million, and never have a picture this cool.

Ridiculously awesome.

I like that they’re not taking the gritty street-level vigilante (excluding the secret society of ninjas with a magic steam weapon and flying train from Batman Begins) and trying to cram him into a world of benevolent god-aliens, immortal warrior diplomats, intergalactic cops, and caretakers of a mystical speed force, and watching Batman just bail. Rather, they’re going to create a more fantastic Batman in line with a Warner Bros.’ Justice League like Marvel’s doing with the Avengers.

Brilliant. I cannot back this plan enough.

Now, unless Nolan’s completely lost it, we’ll have a fantastic franchise, a pristine trilogy untouched by coked-out Entourage wannabes, “hip” producers in their 50’s, or money guys, and Warner Bros. still gets a Batman to do whatever with.

Batman: awesome.

Trust me, this is the best of all possible outcomes. They would have only ruined what Nolan did. Zack Snyder on Superman and the Wonder Woman TV series are just the beginning. God knows what they’re going to do with the Flash, and I’m not counting any idea as too stupid for Aquaman and Martian Manhunter.

Mark my words, Channing Tatum will be pursued for one of those roles and there’s not a goddamn thing any of us can do about it, but at least we’ll always have the Nolan Trilogy.

'sup, girl?



Dear Channing Tatum,

Girl, 'sup?

Yo, uh, G, let me ‘holla’ at you. Dawg.

Is it 'wack' or 'whack?'

Listen, son, you don’t want to be Martian Manhunter. Shit’s wack. Yo. He’s all green and has diagonal suspenders and pirate boots, which, again, fair to highly wack.

And the Flash? He just runs. Like a bitch. You’re hard, son. You have to be fighting guys and snitches, I guess.

Love this picture. Ethan Van Scriver is a hell of an artist.

Aquaman smells like fish, and he eats nasty-ass kelp, and wears pants underwater.

Have we just given up on trying to make him cool?

If I were you, I’d c-walk away from any deal these guys and homeslices put on the table. I’d be all, ‘pfffffft! Whatevs whenevs!” Right?

I’m glad we could confab, holmes.


See you kids Tuesday.


About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on March 31, 2011, in Comics, Matt Loman, Movies, Pop Culture, Television and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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