Monthly Archives: April 2011

So Long Superman

So I’m not really getting along with the other Nonstop Karate contributors right now since I refused to take part in their plan to use the blog to launch their vanity albums.

Think Phil Collins, but employing elaborate metaphors comparing romantic love with what it means to be an X-man

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I Got Your Reboot Right Here *points to laptop*

But with blue fire! And lightsabers! Robot horses!

There’s a rumor going around that Hollywood is going to reboot Zorro, but instead of being a Spanish nobleman fighting the good fight on behalf of the poor and downtrodden in what is now California, it will take place in the future and he’ll be avenging something.

I know what you’re thinking, why don’t they just do a revenge movie that takes place in the future and call it literally anything else? Something like: Revenge-o-Tron, Vengeance in the Year 5000, The Good, the Bad, and the Cybernetic, Gunhand: the Man Whose Hands Were Guns and His Feet Were Hands, Apocalypse Sheriff, Showdown at Nuke Crater, there, I just did that off the top of my head. Read the rest of this entry

Nonstop Karate is So Fresh Prince and So Clean

“Fresh Prince and so Clean” is a rap song, right?

Nonstop Karate is making design changes. Awkward and lanky, like a horny teenager that writes for this blog. We’re trying to make it easier to dig through our archive, because lord knows this stuff isn’t time-sensitive. We also hope to make navigating between our features like Moments of Brilliance and Michael Bay Adventures (Just named it that. Probably won’t stick).

Let’s all ease into this slowly.

On Hipsters

Hipster.

If you look like this on purpose, please rethink your life.

If you read this blog, there is a good chance that this word has a negative connotation to it.  I know that for me personally, it does.  And it could be easy to write a humorous entry poking fun at the people who have embraced that culture and lifestyle.  PBR! LOL! 
But lets go a bit deeper and explore what the culture is perceived to be, how people actually live it, and then why deep down I hate it.  You know, while I poke fun and make easy jokes at these people’s expense. It’s a humor blog. I’m not paid to be unbiased…

…I’m not paid…

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Robot Throws Out First Pitch; Pisses on Humanity

With absolute disregard for the projected date of Skynet’s rising, The Philadelphia Baseballs had a robot throw the opening pitch at a recent game. I retract that; it was no game, it was an atrocity.

Baseball has been surviving on being an American tradition for years. That’s it. My father, Archie Bunker in the flesh, doesn’t watch baseball anymore. Why would you? The magic of the sport relied on seeing men somehow hurl spheres to the heavens far beyond belief. They were regular men who took wood and sand and made spaceships. Now they’ve become super soldiers; you’re only disappointed when someone doesn’t get a home run. Plus, they added a 5th base, so that just ruined the game for everyone. Read the rest of this entry

Dear Celebs: There are Doings Afoot Edition

Sometimes me shouting at rich people for being too dumb, too pretty, very famous for doing very little, or not wanting to let me sex them isn’t enough.

There’s a lot of shit that goes down in Hollywood (well, actually the Valley, unless it’s Paramount. Or in Marina Del Ray /inside baseball) and much of it needs me to shout at it.

So today will be less gossip column stuff and more behind the scenes stuff.

Though, I’m sure at some point I’ll find a way to yell at an actress or model. Apparently women are into that.

*-*-*

Dear George Takei,

There goes my hero/watch him as he goes/

You’re doing the Lord’s work.

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The Passion of the Easter Sandwich

“He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay. And go quickly, and tell his disciples that he is risen from the dead; and, behold, he goeth before you into Galilee; there shall ye see him: Drinking whiskey and eating hell of Easter Sandwiches.”
-Matthew 28:6

Hello, avid readers.  I’d like to take a break from strange character pieces and half-baked political commentary to share something with you.

My favorite game to play with this picture is the game of "Which one is the worst". Try it.

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