Area Racist Expands Horizons Through Education

Lexington (AP) – Recent community college enrollee and life-long racist, Dennie Crawford, has found his horizons expanded following his matriculation to the institute of higher learning.
“This campus has given me a lot,” extolled Dennie. “For example, did you know that Asia isn’t just the Chinese and the Japanese? I learned in geography that there’s a bunch of little countries filled with slants that I can make fun of. According to my history class, we’ve bombed almost all of them. Illegally. That’s awesome. We’d only be bombing mud huts and lean-tos, probably, but it’s good they’ve always known their place starting in the late 1950s.”“Here’s something you might not know,” Dennie continued while leaving the library to get into his ’96 Impala, “Africa isn’t, like Africa! It’s not one country, like the USA, where there’s an Africa Illinois or an Africa Oregon, but a bunch of independent countries. No wonder when I’d yell at them to ‘go back to Africa’ they’d stay around; I wasn’t specific enough. I should’ve been yelling ‘go back to Chad,’ or ‘get your ass to Kenya,’ from the window of my buddy Gary’s truck.”

“I used to look like a real asshole,” Crawford admitted.

We continued our interview the next day when Crawford had a two hour break between his American Literature class and the lecture portion of History of the 20th Century. “Remember yesterday, when we were laughing at Africa?”
At no point did the interviewer laugh about Africa.

“I signed up here to take a chemistry class so I could get better at cooking [meth], but I didn’t know that classes were every other day. So I sit down in the same room the second day, and the professor’s different and instead of telling me about compounds and electrons, he started telling me that Mexico isn’t just Mexico! I couldn’t believe it! It’s an honest mistake, you know, how they all look alike, right?”

At no point did the interviewer respond to this question at all, let alone in the affirmative.

“Turns out that past Mexico is a bunch of other countries like Mexico with different names,” Crawford exclaimed, his voice rising in the light of knowledge. “I was hooked,” Crawford went on, “it’s like the entire world opened to me. I signed up for more classes after sitting through that entire lecture about the Mexicos.”

“And, get this, they all hate each other! Do you have any idea how many nights I couldn’t sleep I was so afraid of the lesser races rising up to take everything from the white man? They’re too busy hating each other! Everywhere! Asia, Africa, Mexico, they all hate each other way more than they hate ol’ Denver Jackson Crawford!”

Fearing he may have mispoke, Crawford clarified, “that does not mean that the white race will lay down arms or not be vigilant against any attempt by the savage cultures to exterminate us from the face of the Earth rightfully given to us by Jesus Christ, who was white, despite being born in the Middle East.”
Crawford paused. He seemed to be taken aback from the worlds that left his own lips. “I was really surprised to learn that,” Crawford began slowly. “I don’t know where I thought Jesus Christ was from, but the Middle East? I don’t want you thinking I’m some kind of Mormon, thinking Jesus was from America and I’m going to marry my five sisters or something, but I never really thought about it. It made me really sad that he went there to tell the Jews and the Arabs the truth and it didn’t take.”

Crawford sat down on a bench and stared thoughtfully at the floor for a few minutes. He exhaled loudly looked up and said with a shrug, “there’s no saving the damned, I guess.”

Crawford stood and gathered his things; he didn’t want to get a bad seat in the hall as they’d be learning about the rise of National Socialism in class today, but he did leave with a parting comment, “I’ve become a better man since I got myself an education. I’m learning how to make more money, getting better at reading, but I still can’t write real neat, and I’m growing as person and member of the White Right movement.”

“It’s true what they say, ‘Knowledge is Power. White Power.”

So there’s that. That’s a thing I wrote.


Posted on April 5, 2011, in Character, History Lessons and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Solid sketch. Delicate closing. This belongs in an Onion portfolio.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: