Non-Lethal Ways to Stop Criminals

I think my little sister should have five. And an actual gun.

Last week, at work, I overheard a conversation about a young man who got tased because he did something the police didn’t like. Apparently, if you drive drunk, run into something on the sidewalk, and then run when those busybody cops show up, they will take offense and punish you for said youthful transgression.

Here comes the pain.

This young man was tased because you can’t shoot him. He’s not worth shooting. You don’t waste bullets on a guy who took out a trashcan and a bin that holds X-rated newspapers. You shoot killers, werewolves, zombies, and people who talk on their phone at the movies.

Tasers. Pfffft.

That is science.

However these people–

Actually, saying “these people” makes me uncomfortable. Given my occupation I don’t want it to be implied I’m calling homosexuals “these people.” Rather, I am without a proper, non-denominational pronoun. So, instead of saying “these people,” and everyone who knows me in real life thinks I’m being a dick, let’s just clear the air that say that when I say “these people” I mean, “rich, spoiled women who have probably never worked a day in their lives, and that the guy who got tasered was a friend’s nephew who will probably face no jail time and will only have to pay a fine which his family can easily, EASILY, afford.”

If it wasn't obvious enough.


However these people felt that the tasing was too much. That it was too brutal. That perhaps the police should be better prepared to chase down a coked-up juice head while wearing their body armor and toting all their equipment.

G'night, sweetheart.

Make no mistake, the taser is a very serious thing. You’re shooting thousands, or even tens of thousands of volts through the human body. You’re attacking the nervous system and taking away muscle control from the brain. Many of of you have probably never been significantly electrocuted. It hurts, which is obvious, but it’s like being trapped in your body that’s being controlled by someone else, and that someone else can’t drive. It is a brutal experience.

Being shot is much worse.

Walk it off.

That’s why they use tasers. It is an awful thing that hurts like a son of a bitch. It hurts so bad that the person you’re electrocuting will have no desire to fight back. This way the police don’t have to end their life.

Everything, literally everything, is worse than a bullet, except possibly a stabbing, which given location on the human body can be roughly equal.

However, rather than blindly rage against a lifetime of stupidity, I’ve decided to think of the myriad of ways that I can make a shitload of money of said stupidity by introducing even more non-lethal ways to stop attackers and offenders that are more pleasant less bad than shooting someone full of Thor.

-Net Gun
Look, as we’ve established tasers are scary. They hurt like hell, and they’re loud. They make a scary ass noise, which, I think we can agree would turn off the average consumer. Granted it’s so you know it’s on, and give people an opportunity to surrender before they have to ride the electric snake.

Lights out.

What if there was something quieter that didn’t hurt people?

What if there was a way to tie people up really quickly, from a distance?

Yes, a net gun.

Why did civilization ever move away from the net?

It does so many different things. It ties people up.

It’s embarrassing.

Always bet on net.

Okay, it does two things, but have you ever watched gladiator movies (bro 2 bro) or Spartacus on Starz? You throw a net on someone all the fight goes out of them. You just threw a blanket made of rope on them. They just stand there and get stabbed or poked with a trident. It’s completely demoralizing and apparently pretty harmless. It’s probably heavy, and you might trip, but at the same time the rope will probably cushion your fall. This way, people who violate our laws and moral codes, won’t have to ever actually be punished for it.


I’m not quite sure how the logistics of the gun itself will work, I’m more of an idea man, but I think a cannon that delivers a net at least thirty to forty feet wide from fifty to sixty feet away should be sufficient, and maybe with the capacity to fire ten nets in rapid succession.

The plus side is that the net gun can also slow down zombies, killer robots, and dinosaurs for the inevitable invasions. Do tasers affect zombies? Will they make robots stronger? Is there enough to zap a raptor?

Tasers are fucking dumb.


-Wolverine on Stick-

Look, I know the regular content of this blog and my posts in particular, but I don’t mean the X-Man, this time.


What I propose is take an actual Wolverine, the feral, ‘roided out king of the weasels,

Always have some good rope.

combine it with a stick,

Now there's a whompin' stick.

and now you have arguable the greatest ranged weapon in the history of warfare.

Granted, a mauling via wolverine is pretty awful and, from a certain deranged perspective, worse than a taser, but it’s so terrible who would ever piss off someone with a wolverine on a stick? Sure, you might get away, hell you might win, but would it be worth it? Let’s say you have a gun or something, and you wound or kill the person with the wolverine on  stick: now you have a wolverine scared by the sound of the gun and pissed off because someone (me) attached a stick to its back. It’s loose, on the ground, and has a taste for blood.

Might be doing this wrong.

In these uncertain times, the one thing you can count is everyone pussying out when it comes to situations involving mutually-assured destruction.

-Gun, Thrown-

A.) Guns are heavy.
B.) They’re oddly shaped. Lots of corners.
C) They already have a handle, which makes them unbelievably throwable.

Imagine you’re hanging out, committing a crime, like you do, and someone throws a gun at you.

Look at all that crap. That'd hurt like hell.

It’s going to hurt. That’s a given. It’s heavy and metal and approaching you at a respectable velocity.

Also, it’s a gun. Someone threw a gun at you. If they don’t need a gun to attack you what in the hell else do they have? What’s worse than a gun? What’s the preamble to a gun?

And you’ve already surrendered and soiled yourself.

Before we move onto the final one, let me say this, if it’s not already obvious:


Like this, but yours.

Do not throw a loaded weapon at somebody. They’re hurt, not dead; they’re pissed, rightfully so, and now they have a gun.


Next comes the infinite blackness.

Batman doesn’t use guns. He doesn’t need a taser. He’s well-versed in using nets on people, and I’m pretty sure he could train wolverines to not even need the stick to be deployed.

When all else fails, there is always Batman.


About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on April 11, 2011, in Lists, Matt Loman and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Even Superman ducks when someone throws a gun at him. cause that shit hurts.


    Appropriate alternative to wolverine on a stick (for self-preservation purposes)?

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