Why Cars is the Best Pixar Film
My parents cried at Toy Story 3 and embarrassed me and my friends in the theatre. I didn’t get it; the toys would just melt if they had gone in that incinerator. But they didn’t have souls, so they’d simply still exist as molten plastic redistributed through our recycling system. Woody could’ve been water bottles and more! Had he been made into multiple objects, he would’ve achieved hive-mind sentience!
None of that “art” stacks up to Cars, easily the best Pixar film. I will tell you why.
1) Cars are awesome.
Have you ever been in a car? One time I got to sit in the passenger seat of the Indianapolis 500 Pace Car because I lied and told NASCAR I had cancer. That car was so fast. It gave me an addiction for speed, something that I will have trouble controlling until I turn 16 and get my first license. Cars is the closest thing to that feel of the wind against your face when you’re pushing 120mph and you’re faking that you’re on chemo. Also, cars blow up real good.
2) Owen Wilson is hilarious. One night I was watching The Royal Tenenbaums with my parents (they thought I had fallen asleep in their arms). That scene where Owen Wilson’s brother accidentally spills red Kool-Aid over the bathroom everywhere is sooooo funny. And then Owen Wilson is dressed like an indian! And he’s jumping over walls and falling down stairs! Classic Owen Wilson.
3) The man that makes my favorite salad dressing is in it. That stuff is so good! And he’s the cool, older car! Oh man, what if he was in the race, and they put a Paul Newman logo on him! Pixar! Give me money! I have juices and other things I need to buy!
4) I have not considered the weird logic of Cars and how they all live in a world that was obviously once inhabited by humans. I don’t care. I don’t need to hear your weird adult-logic conversations over who would’ve built the roads, who builds cars and is that their reproduction method, do they have a religion system? I don’t care. I am a child. I see colorful things and I am excited. There is a car that runs around the track and it tries not to crash into other cars. At some point an old-man car tells a hippie car to shut up. That is art.
5) I was not alive for The Incredibles. I don’t know what this is. I think I may have been conceived in the theater for this movie. If I dig deep enough into my brain, I think I can hear someone saying “If everyone’s super, no one will be” at the moment of my conception. Yep. I was sentient at moment of conception. End of abortion debate right there.
6) There are a lot of toys. I like these things. And society has placed a hunger to collect one of everything in a series. If it’s a vehicle with eyes on it, I must have it. I must be prepared for every possible transportation adventure in my imagination.