Robot Throws Out First Pitch; Pisses on Humanity

With absolute disregard for the projected date of Skynet’s rising, The Philadelphia Baseballs had a robot throw the opening pitch at a recent game. I retract that; it was no game, it was an atrocity.

Baseball has been surviving on being an American tradition for years. That’s it. My father, Archie Bunker in the flesh, doesn’t watch baseball anymore. Why would you? The magic of the sport relied on seeing men somehow hurl spheres to the heavens far beyond belief. They were regular men who took wood and sand and made spaceships. Now they’ve become super soldiers; you’re only disappointed when someone doesn’t get a home run. Plus, they added a 5th base, so that just ruined the game for everyone.Do you understand why Harry Caray’s “Take Me Out To The Ball Game” is the toughest crowd besides Night at the Apollo? Because it’s the only fun part and it’s tradition. So you not only sully the image of the opening pitch with a thing made only of metal and gears, but it can’t even get the ball across the mound.

This is not a complicated machine. If you had made an android that walked and through with the same motions as a pitcher then we’d understand a miss. We’d probably all pat you on the head and one of the players’ wives would use you for their seventh inning stretch if youknowwhatImean?.

The robot should have destroyed the entire event. The ball should have whipped forward with such a force that the crowd wouldn’t have been able to register it, much like the fight scenes in later episodes of Dragonball Z.

Congratulations to the Philly fans. Penn nerd, this is who you were trying to impress:

They want nothing of your witchcraft. You could have had Gaddafi throw out the first pitch and fewer people would’ve booed.

But sure, let’s just keep trying so hard to give the robots our jobs. There are things humans don’t want to do; calculating tips, plunging into deep space, sexually pleasuring ugly people. Give the robots those tasks. In a few decades we will be making love to synthetic forms and we will say, “Wow, who would’ve thought that terrible Bruce Willis movie Surrogates would’ve so accurately predicted our lives? It’s too bad the robots burned all copies of that movie”. That is when we can have pitching robots. Until then, let’s leave the position saved for mayors and drunk celebrities.


About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on April 26, 2011, in Chad Quandt, Movies, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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