Monthly Archives: May 2011

This Sums Up Whitney Cumming’s Marketing Strategy Pretty Well

Whitney Cummings is rocking this fall. Two series in development, a starring role in one of them, and will probably be a regular fixture on the Comedy Central roasts. Some people claim she’s gotten along on her sex appeal, and not the quality of her jokes. If you are one of these people, you’ll appreciate the picture below the jump. It is her, legs spread, sitting on top of “The Situation” from Jersey Shore. If that sort of imagery frightens you or arrouses you, you may not want to read what’s after the jump. Read the rest of this entry

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Plotting Out the Metaverse of “Community”, “Cougar Town” and “Scrubs”

The TV metaverse broke this week. Much the way Superboy-Prime’s punch shattered the DC Multiverse, Abed’s appearance on Cougar Town sets up a very weird order of shows that puts Community in the same world as you, me and Scrubs reruns. Somewhere, Britta is reading Pitchfork. Or she’s trying to install Napster. Read the rest of this entry

Michael Bay’s Guide to the Summer Movie Season

Holy shit, where did May go? I did not write nearly as much as I had planned for ACTION MOVIE MAY.

Well, fuck it, we’re getting at least one more Bay up this piece.

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It’s no secret that I am the undisputed King of Summer. Every other year like a ripped out, sun-kissed, charmingly stubbled Santa Claus, I come down the chimney of Spring to drop my precious, precious payload of  adrenarone (when adrenaline knocks up testosterone) onto your eyes, into your brain, and then to your chest where it replaces your heart.

The only other person who makes as much money in the summer is Will Smith, and he works for me anyway. Shit, he’s sat out the last four years, probably because he was waiting for me to hit him back up after his movie about giving people his livers got no one off. It seems like only yesterday when we made a movie where the Miami PD invaded a sovereign nation, blew it up, and drove an H3 through a shanty town as the most personal “fuck you” on the entire planet.

Goddamn it, I miss that guy.

"Don't hate the player; hate the game." 'HATE THE TAILOR.'

When I’m not busy changing the entire game with blockbuster after blockbuster, I usually go to Thailand and hunt people, but Thailand’s slowly getting it’s shit together so I’m going to wait and see which way the wind blows in the next couple of years down that way.

For now, I’m going to start hiring myself out to productions so those summers I don’t have something out my presence will still be felt, and the unwashed masses will have something to do besides soil themselves in and around Wal-Marts.

Like drugs, sex, and cases of .50 cal., the first one’s free, so I’m going to break down all the important releases this summer to give the studios a taste of what I can do with no rules and 15 minutes to kill. Read the rest of this entry

KURT RUSSELL: An Action Movie May Deity

Believe it or not, this is a man in the twilight of his action career.

I’m suffering a bit of writer’s block today on another project, so I’m gonna try to break through it with a simple post for Action Movie May.  I didn’t ask Matt for permission to, BECAUSE I DO AS I WISH!!  Besides, I feel kinda lame that I haven’t thrown in my two cents on Action Movie May, besides the occasional twitter zings about it.  Also, it’s my last chance seeing as my LOLJK counterpart, Mr. Joey Reinisch will once again begin alternating posts with me starting next week.  Yes, yes, I know you’ll all miss your weekly dose of my impeccable whit, creative cursing, and dick jokes. But just think about how much better my posts will be with an extra week to work on them!! (I will still write them the day before or of.)

Now. I jumped the gun about a month or so ago and wrote a post about our lack of modern day action stars. It was a piece I really enjoyed writing and that oddly enough lead to me discussing the subject with a number of industry professionals who were at one time involved with those films or share the same passion for the genre.  It was refreshing and very surreal to have discussions I’ve had while blindingly drunk with my friends on countless evenings, with people who actually do this as their livelihood.   Here’s the thing though, no matter who I was speaking to we all agreed on one thing: Kurt Russell.  Now, that article focused a lot on the big action Joel Silver movies of the past and primarily on who I would call the “Heavy Weight” action stars of the time. Stallone. Arnold. But what we’re really missing now and the characters I’ve always REALLY enjoyed were the “Middle Weight” action stars. Bruce Willis. Mel Gibson (pre-Nazi bullshit). Patrick Swayze. And the shining star of them all, Kurt Russel.  They played guys that could have been the average American man.  They weren’t 250 lbs of muscle. They’re weren’t walking, human tanks. They were scrappy. They had ingenuity.  And they always had a one-liner ready to toss out there before they broke a skull.  Which in my book, is the most important aspect of an action hero. Quotability.

If Shane Black is the God of Action Movie May (and I assure you, he is). Kurt Russell is most certainly one of it’s greatest messengers.

Let’s get into it.  Kurt Russell has inhabited some of the greatest action heroes of all time.  And I think for a majority of the public, he sometimes goes overlooked when the title of “Action Star” is thrown around.  This is a travesty.  So let’s begin with probably his most well known character. And then end with my personal favorite of all time.

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You Can Dance to Anything, Panic! at the Disco

Chelsea Kane, until this video I didn’t know who you were. Bratz: The Movie is not the most stunning of IMDB credits. I owe you a great deal, Kane, as you have validated my high school experience. When planning our senior prom, I waged a large war with my peers to incorporate pop punk into the dance. You were too late, Chelsea Kane. Years too late.

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Destructobox: “Thparticus”

We love Destructobox at Nonstop Karate, partly because co-creator Joey Reinisch is part of our wrestling tag-team of writers LOLJK. If you enjoyed DB’s “Box Lunch” short on Mondo Media, you might have noticed some wonderful Television background audio. In fact, you might have said “Shut up, main characters. What is that beautiful voice I hear?”. That would be myself and the wonderful Aaron Waltke improvising what our hearts truly lust for: gay sex scenes in Showtime shows.

2nd Chance Theater: ACTION MOVIE MAY Edition

Sometimes movies fall through the cracks. Bad press, confusing trailers, not enough money for a super-wide release, behind the scenes politicking at studios, money not coming through, etc, there are a myriad of reasons for movies to not get the eyes on them that they so richly deserve.

That’s where Nonstop Karate comes in: we give movies that deserve a wider audience for whatever reason: they’re actually good; it’s so bad it must be seen to be believed; a great actor’s early work; here there be ‘splosions, etc.
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And we’re back. I’d like to thank Nicholas G. Allen for filling in for me last week. As much as I love ACTION MOVIE MAY and as hard as it may be to believe, writing from the POV of Michael Bay and short stories about me take a lot of work, and I have…you see…I, uh…

Sorry. I just realized that the two most-read works of mine are Michael Bay fan fiction and Matt Loman fan fiction.

Wow. Give me a second.

Go Colts!

Okay, I’m good.
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