As a single man living in LA (laaaaadiessssss), I have a lot of time to think about a variety of things. The state of our current political climate, my career and the direction its slowly taking, how awesome Jeff “The Sandwich” Saturday is, but inevitably my mind always wanders back to the most pressing of topics…babies. They are a source of constant intrigue, headaches, and beauty for all men. Now please understand, when I use the term “babies” I am not referring to the crying, piss and shit themselves type of babies. I’m talking about women. All women are babies in my book. For me and those in my circle, it’s a term of endearment. In fact, some even go beyond the standard definition of baby and become “supbabies.” But the dichotomy of my extremely idiotic, slightly sexist terms for women are for another entry down the line. Today, I just want to talk at you, babies. For the sake of humor and the good of all mankind, all I ask is that you kindly bend an ear and listen to the broad generalizations and more than likely offensive things I have to say today. Thank you.
What are you thinking?
I mean. I get it, I guess. You have thousands upon thousands of years of natural instinct and survival mechanisms ingrained into the very fiber of your being. Evolution, man. It’s tough to ignore. As a species we have an overwhelming need to continue to propagate our people. Some would even say we have an obligation. However, we now live on a planet with severe overpopulation, mass starvation, and rapidly disappearing natural resources. I’m just saying, we could afford to pump the brakes a little bit on the baby train. Don’t get me wrong, I’m by no means blaming women for these problems. I fully grasp the fact that it takes “two to tango.” To “wet the water weasel.” To “make my Bumblebee shoot oil.” To “feel as confused and open as we were after watching “The Fountain” for the first time by ourselves but by using our genitals.” What I’m trying to say is that this isn’t so much a call for us to stop screwing and having children. It’s more me posing a question I’ve thought long on to the babies of the world:
WHY DO YOU LET US HAVE SEX YOU?
Seriously how every dude feels afterwards. Every sexual encounter is like an Ocean’s 11 style heist.
Have you ever actually met a dude? I mean, really talked to one of us and gotten to know us. We are all awful people. Yes, all of us. Your grandfather, father, uncles, brothers, friends, boyfriend, husband: from the very roots of our soul, we are rotten. I mean, some are far, far, FAR worse than others but the scale definitely begins somewhere around “COMPLETE DICKFACE” and ends with “ANTICHRIST.” We bring nothing to the table!! You understand that right? We’re all just gross, hairy masses of flesh who ultimately if there wasn’t potential for us to ever get laid, we would wallow in our own filth and play Xbox all day. We only do the occasional nice thing in between each monumental fuck up. Actually…we wouldn’t play Xbox because no dude would have ever taken to time to invent video games. We’d play some barbaric version of Four Square while drinking some tasty brews (the beer would be AMAZING).
And yet, some of you insist on allowing us to be in you. Some of you even want us to be around when we’re not having sex. I even hear legends of a select few who have made a lifelong bond with one of us and are INTENTIONALLY having children. You’re too good for this babies. You’re too pretty. You smell too nice. You’re too smooth. Overall, you’re too kind and generous to us. And think I speak for all mankind when I say: we greatly appreciate you all making the HUGE fucking mistake of letting us defile you. Whether it be by just simply allowing us to talk at you or planting our seed.
Also, you love stuff that we just couldn’t give a rat’s ass about. Like….you can’t possibly fathom how much we don’t care about some of the shit you love. Real Housewives? Royal Weddings? Eay Pray Love? Sparkly vampires? The amount that we don’t care about these is immense. It’s as vast and ever expanding the very universe we reside in. I know there are things that babies hate that dudes love, but it’s no where near the level of contempt men hold for lady things. The ideal mate for a lady? Definitely a lady. You already love the same stuff. You look great. All I’m saying is, lesbianism is an evolutionary response to something. That something is: guys are terrible people. We’ve evolved beyond choosing a mate simply for procreation. So. Babies. Feel free to totally lez out this weekend. You know, just really, scissor it up. Get crazy with it. Experiment. Video tape it. Maybe email me a copy. I don’t know! Whatever you–SEE!? THAT’S AWFUL!! I CAN’T STOP!! LORD HELP ME I CAN’T STOP!!
But seriously. Do that.
In closing. I just want to say thanks.
We don’t get why. We don’t know how. But thank the stars in the fucking sky and fish in the God damn sea that beyond every ounce of reason, intelligence, or instinct you have in your body: the majority of the babies of the world allow dudes to be with them.