Let’s ACTUALLY Make Zooey Deschanel Unattractive

To counteract the Work It video I posted, here’s the preview video for the Zooey Deschanel-starring comedy New Girl on Fox this fall.

Zooey, let’s talk. We know what you’re doing. You’re being adorable and we’re supposed to think that would make guys not date you? Some days I lay in bed, alone, wishing that I had someone to sing to me. That’s what loving mothers and angels do. Not a bad attribute, writers of New Girl!

Here’s some ways to make Zooey Deschanel characters believably hard to date/easy to cheat on:

  • Zooey Deschanel has an extendng-outward-vagina, much in the way the Las Plagas would erupt from villagers heads in Resident Evil 4.
  • All public zoos become owned by private companies, and as a consequence any name with “zoo” in it has to pay an extravagant fine anytime it’s used. So if you want to say “Zooey, please pass the Corn Flakes, because we are awake in the morning after amazing sex”, you will have to pay thousands of dollars. Yes, this is very implausible. But I’m trying, society.
  • Make her boring. Still into interesting bands. Still adorable. Just bad conversation. Yes, she loves the coolest bands, and she dresses oh so cool, but she is ice-cold dead. She’s seen every performance of Fleet Foxes, but can’t talk for more than 30 seconds about them. This is an actual possible version of Zooey Deschanel. Something has to give, and personality is the most likely thing missing in Z’s (that’s her cool nickname) quiver.

A coworker takes trapeze classes with Zooey Deschanel here in Los Angeles. As she started to tell me about Zooey wearing a tutu to class and being so humble, I shouted, “Tell me no more of this! I want this girl flawed!”

Yeah, I made work awkward.

Let’s just ease back on making beautiful people depicted as awkward, unattractive people trying to make it. As much as She’s All That was an American classic, I cannot believe that Rachel Leigh Cook, Tina Fey or Natalie Portman are that low on the dating pool. There’s no amount of acting that can tell me otherwise.


About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on May 17, 2011, in Chad Quandt, Movies, Television and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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