A Tale of Two (Or Three) Kyles

It may not seem like it. But here is what an absolute madman looks like.

My life is a constant struggle.
But not in the way you may expect. When I say “struggle” I’m not talking about some “Grapes of Wrath” Great Depression Dust Bowl shit.  I’m not that self obsessed, it’s FAAAAR less severe.
Honestly, I’m not complaining. I’m poor, sure. But its not too bad. The beach is free and has a million great spots to panhandle.  I don’t completely strike out with the ladies, so I don’t feel pathetic.  I surprisingly have my health, though it’s just a matter of time before I severely injure myself.

No. When I say “struggle” I’m talking about the ever present internal struggle against one’s self.   It’s something we all have issue with.  The constant pushing and pulling of right and wrong. Our baser urges versus our higher functions.  Of the need to not go in to work hungover on a Tuesday versus having that one shot that you KNOW will put you over the edge.  For me though, these psyches manifest themselves in various ways.  For example, drunk and high Kyle both leave future sober Kyle messages in his phone.  And I’ll tell you something, High Kyle does not think much of Sober Kyle.  Which I think is ironic, because he doesn’t do anything but find new ways to stack cookies together while watching the same movies over and over again. He’s not doing anything all that great (though seriously, he’s on the forefront of cookie sandwich construction).   Drunk Kyle on the other hand, is far more encouraging.  He’s almost a loving father figure, despite the fact that he’s the version of myself that gets Future Kyle in the most trouble. But sometimes, a perfect storm brews and these two become one. So. Allow me to get all “A Christmas Carol” on your ass by revealing the inner monologue of the three Kyle’s: Past, Present, and Future.

A RELAXING SUNDAY BBQ

Past Kyle: OK. Should be a great day. Really looking forward to a chill grill sesh with everyone.  Got the beers on hand.  Plenty of food.  The coals are already on the grill. Can’t wait for everyone to arrive.

Present Kyle: Everyone is here. Great crowd.  A couple unexpected faces, always glad to see that.  Let’s see, how many beers have I had? Three? I should be fine. It’s only 2 PM. Besides everyone is gonna be gone by nine or ten probably. And then I’m just gonna pass out at home.

Future Kyle: Oh Jesus Fuck. Why did I do this? I feel like I got kicked in the fucking head by Iron Man.  There’s no way I don’t throw up on the way to work.

Past Kyle: Gotta go to work tomorrow.  Should probably just chill and hold back today. Not a big deal. You don’t have to get fucked up. OH! And under no circumstances should you smoke! You know how it is when you mix.

Present Kyle: You want me to hit this J? Aw shucks. I dunno. I probably shouldn’t….OH WHAT THE HELL! I’m only a few beers deep. Got the rest of the afternoon to sober up, right guys?

Future Kyle: Why is there blood all over my pillow? Hold on. I don’t recognize this room.

Past Kyle: *cracks open first beer* This the life. Blue sky. Suns out.  A beer in the backyard. Here’s to a great day!

Present Kyle: I can feel everything! I can feel every emotion at the same time!! How is this possible? Who am I? Is there a higher power? Am I my own higher power? Is it some kind of creature of our own making that lives deep inside of all of us? I think mine would be a giant, talking mountain lion with a rocket launcher on it’s back. WHERE ARE THE GOD DAMN COOKIES?!

Future Kyle: Wait no. This IS my room. I apparently rearranged everything when I got home. There’s a pentagram spray painted on the ceiling for some reason as well. Also, it has been confirmed: this is mostly my blood. Phew. Once again I have narrowly avoided a “Very Bad Things” scenario. But where the hell did these gashes come from?

Past Kyle: Should probably stick to beer today.  It’s kinda hot.  Plus, you know how you get when you mix.

This is just a recipe for disaster. OR THE BEST NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE!!

Present Kyle: I have this handle of whiskey that needs to be finished! Yea, lets just take pulls from the bottle. What? No! I WILL NOT SLOW DOWN! THIS IS NOW FUTURE KYLE’S PROBLEM!!

Future Kyle: Who’s this text from? Did I get a girl’s number last night? How would that even be possible? Who would possibly be foolish enough?

Past Kyle: You want me to hit this J? Aw shucks. I dunno. I probably shouldn’t….OH WHAT THE HELL! I’m only a few beers deep. Got the rest of the afternoon to sober up, right guys?

*PAST KYLE IS DEAD*

Present Kyle: I AM HISTORY’S GREATEST MONSTER!!! LET’S GO TO THE BAR!! ARRRRRGHGHGHGH!!

Future Kyle: *sips on giant coffee/pilfers office’s med cabinet* Seems I have a friend request on Facebook. Shit. Who is this? Edward Booth. Says he’s a circus stilt walker. He tagged me in a few photos. Ok then. That cop car is on fire and I appear to be wearing a chest plate made of a metal trashcan lid.

Present Kyle: *Melrose is in flames. Cars are flipped over. A small stronghold is slowly taking shape around him. Kyle stands in the middle of the street in his trashcan armor. He has band of vicious looking Road Warrior types around him* MELROSE IS NOW RUN BY CZAR KYLE AND HIS BAND OF OUTRIDERS!! THE AUTHORITIES CANNOT STOP US!! TALL EDDIE, BUILD THE SOUTH BARRIER HIGHER!! DON’T LET THEM TAKE THE SNAKE PIT!! MAKE A STAND AT MELROSE MUSIC!!


Just walk away. Just walk away.

Future Kyle: *receives link from friend* Ok. A Fox news report from last night. I am a wanted man. Don’t panic. Not a big deal.  Doesn’t seem like they know who was leading the riot. Except for that extremely accurate police sketch. Czar Kyle? Come on. We could have come up with something better.  Though it seems I’m being branded as a war criminal, so that’s kinda cool.

Present Kyle: WE’RE TAKING ARTILLERY FROM THE EAST!! BRACE THE WALL!! *A group of hipsters break through the East Gate of the stronghold. They’re using their scarves as slings and their large vintage cameras as bludgeoning devices.  Czar Kyle and the Outriders meet them in bloody battle* DON’T LEAVE A SINGLE ONE STANDING!!

Future Kyle: I’m fucked. It seems like they’ve rounded up a majority of the Outriders, including Tall Eddie. It’s just a matter of time before one of them spills the beans.  I should probably sneak out early to pack and leave town. Though. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe I should just do the honorable thing and turn myself in.

Present Kyle: THE WALLS ARE COMING DOWN!! TALL EDDIE!! YOSEF THE DESTROYER!! YOU’RE MY PERSONAL GUARD!! FOLLOW ME THROUGH THE ESCAPE TUNNEL!! THE REST OF YOU!! IT’S BEEN AN HONOR TO SERVE WITH YOU!! JUST REMEMBER!! CAPTURE IS NOT AN OPTION!! TALKING IS NOT AN OPTION!! THAT’S WHY I INSTALLED THOSE FALSE TEETH WITH CYANIDE CAPSULES INSIDE OF THEM IN EACH OF YOU!! I KNOW YOU’LL DO WHAT’S NECESSARY WHEN THE TIME COMES!! FOR AIUR!! *Czar Kyle, covered in the blood of his enemies, opens a grate on the street and slips through with his personal guard.  The walls of the stronghold come down as the LA Swat Teams arrive on the scene.  The Outriders prepare to battle to the last*

Duh-nuh-nuuuh, Duh-nuh-nuuuuh, Duh-nuh-nuuuuh

Future Kyle: Breaking news. The Outriders have all committed a mass ritual suicide.  All the witnesses are dead. This might actually turn out fine.

Present Kyle: *sits outside a taco stand in his trashcan armor with Tall Eddie and Yosef the Destroyer, they all devour giant burritos* THIS PLEASES CZAR KYLE!!

Future Kyle: Wow. Now they seem to have captured someone that looks uncannily like me. I guess I’m in the clear…

Present Kyle: *Czar Kyle hands Yosef the Destroyer a pair of his jeans and a shirt.  His hair has been dyed blonde. He salutes Czar Kyle and leaves through the escape tunnel.*

Future Kyle: Alright. Seriously. Next time. We’re gonna take things easy.

Past Kyle: Alright. Seriously. Next time. We’re gonna take things easy.

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About Kyle McVey

I like stuff and feel ways about things.

Posted on May 18, 2011, in LOLJK and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Past Kyle? But I thought you were dead!

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