You’re Doing It Wrong/Right: The Worst Kind of Popular Twitter Feeds

Let’s get one thing clear up front; I would be overjoyed at knowing hundreds of thousands of people listen to my Twitter  updates, my quirky remarks, my photos of what we’re eating. It would fill me with so much self-esteem I’d probably start hitting on girls at bars without alcohol in me. So know that I acknowledge my jealousy of any accounts with more followers than me (I have 200 followers. So this is most of them).

Chronicled on the tear-stained screen below are some of the main account types that flood Twitter and make me wonder if I wasted thirty minutes of my life crafting gems like this:

I spent 20 minutes on that. Let’s continue.

Fake Fictional Characters Who Don’t Stay In Character

Example: @Lord_Voldemort7

Fake Twitter accounts can be well done. See @jjonahjameson, @big_ben_clock, @God_Damn_Batman, or even LOLJK’s @JustSomeAquaman. Even the best of them get tiring after a while. It’s a gimmick. It’s the same reason Gallagher is now a sad, old man. Presumably meant to be a novelty account at one point, there are numerous fake Twitter accounts that seem to be popular purely for their username. This would be the Twitter version of Abby Elliot on SNL or Andy Dick’s son doing stand up, except neither of them have over a million fans.

Does this seem hateful enough? There’s more.

Celebrity Accounts Run By PR Firms

Example: @britneyspears

Charlie Sheen’s people gloated about how they took his account and made it hit a million people over 24 hours. Committing career and actual suicide on live television will help that. No one’s arguing Twitter isn’t a promotion tool; one just also hopes that they’re actually hearing it from the horse’s mouth [Editor: I don’t know what that phrase is supposed to me normally. So just let it go].

Your 13-Year-Old Brother Internet Celebrity.

Example: @FreddyAmazin

Saying anything bad about a teenager on the internet makes your site become 10% more MySpace. Did you know that? These share similar territory with Fake Fictional Characters Who Don’t Stay In Character in that they’ll often be RT’ed in the thousands for common sense advice such as “Pretty gurls are crazzy” or “Why does mall food taste so good when its so bad?”. You must remind yourself that these are ideas they’re just now discovering. In a few more years they’ll have new insights into driving cars and prom. When you see that they have 200,000 followers, and have grown on nothing but their internet personality, you then can’t but start pondering how much middle school action they’ve gotten. Or is that just me? Well, another NK post that shows up on the FBI Watch List.

Adolescence should be awkward and confusing, not a place where people actually listen to your thoughts. A head development exec from Adult Swim follows this kid, yet no one at Turner will hear my pitch about porn stars that transform into vehicles and fight crime.

This kid appears to have many friends and is having a wonderful time. Do you know where the Chad equivalent is in that video? He’s inside one of those rooms in the back, eating alone purely because he’s hoping someone notices, feels bad and engages him.

The Fucked Up Porn Star

Example: @BreeOlsen

An old internet past time of mine was reading porn stars MySpace profiles. Go hunt one down. It’s mostly old guys making lewd comments on their photo albums and wall. There’s several men in Detroit who all believe Jenna Jameson is still going to come visit sometime and bonk their brains out.

Guys, stop it. Jesus.

That has moved to Twitter, where any porn star under 55 has an account with sexy updates, twitpics, and enough @ replies to other porn stars to make one think that the porn industry is just a really fun place where everyone is friends and people meet up for lunch sex.

Before she was known as part of Charlie Sheen’s group, Olson would ask for people in her hometown of Fort Wayne, Indiana to come meet up with her for sex. I’m from the neighboring area of South Bend. This is what Fort Wayne looks like:

Nothing from Ft Wayne should be going in anyone’s snooz.

We are all guilty. With minimal searching, I found the NK writers follow porn stars including @PhoenixAskani, @AsaAkira, and @TheRealLilyThai (I’m just waiting to hear when she’s doing porn again. I’m not a creeper).

The Unfunny Celebrity Who Reveals His Comedic Chops We Otherwise Wouldn’t Have Known Were Poor

Example: @RainnWilson

Rainn Wilson, come on man. Step your game up. With every tweet, you just say to the world, “I don’t deserve to be put in movies. I can’t really completely blame all of my movies being flops on someone else”.

This entire post is in no way meant to drive readers to our Twitter accounts, which happen to be @QuandtumTheory (me), @LattMoman (Matt Loman), @kamcvey (Kyle), @jreinisch (Joey) and @AdamKornya (Adam). You could see more gems like this:


About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on May 20, 2011, in Chad Quandt, Music, Television and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Haha so true. The worst is the unfunn celeb. Rainn Wilson just goes down more and more each year. Better hope the offic never gets canceled.

  2. As Kyle probably could have told you, “straight from the horse’s mouth” is an old axiom from when everybody owned a horse and purchasing one was like going to a used car dealer. No doubt, a farmer might try to foist off his half-dead nag on someone by making wild claims about how “she might look old, but she’s strong and healthy as ever!” To avoid being scammd, a shortcut to learning about a horse’s health could be determined by looking at its teeth, tongue and gums.

    Hence, instead of hearing of the horse’s quality from the farmer selling it to you, you go “straight to the horse’s mouth.”

    • See Also: “Never look a gift horse in the mouth”, which essentially means if someone gives you something free, don’t openly criticize it’s quality. Like a more polite version of “You get what you pay for.”

      Does that answer your question? That’s what this post was about, right?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: