Monthly Archives: June 2011

Nice Eyeball Virginity. I’ll Take It.

Note From Management: This post from Mr. Bay is spoiler-heavy. When we pointed that out to him, and explained that not everyone would be able to see the movie in time for his triumphant post movie release column, he started slapping Chad until he bled from the mouth and promised “the next motherfucker who tells me what the fuck I’ll be doing today is getting a dick right in the ear. Their fucking ear!” At Nonstop Karate our charter clearly states under Rule Number 3: “If Anyone Gets a Dick Put in Their Ear, They Have to Commit Fucking Suicide and Will be Buried Upside Down and Have a Home Built Over Them So They Can Never Know Rest or Release.”


We don’t make the rules, and we don’t break the rules.

Well, I guess we do make the rules. But we don’t break them.

Be Ye Dutifully Warned, Beyond the Italicized Font, There Be Spoilers… Read the rest of this entry


Teefury’s Poetic Calvin & Hobbes Slight

I wrote earlier this year about Teefury and Threadless’ business model that relies largely on copyright infringement. I knew I was shouting into the wind; the internet loves things mashed together, and they also love nostalgia. If Girl Talk wanted to make a new album that just contained samples from NES and Sega Genesis games, it would make ten million dollars (if the internet didn’t make it easy to download it for free. The very people who would cause your success would also steal from you, Girl Talk!)

Several of the writers for Nonstop Karate wear Teefury. I have a dozen Threadless shirts that fit in the “cutsey/strange art” category myself. Let us talk about yesterday’s Teefury submission, because it might offend you if knew a thing about Bill Watterson and merchandise. Read the rest of this entry

So I Got Drunk and Watched Step Up 3D

What follows is my stream of consciousness reaction to Step Up 3D. I edited nothing in terms of spelling and grammar and only added words when necessary for comprehension. For example, anytime the “him” or “them” wasn’t immediately clear, I put the character’s name in, otherwise, everything is untouched.

This post has been brought to you by Binge Drinking and S’mores.

*-*-* Read the rest of this entry

Movie Review: Green Lantern

I’m torn about how to review this movie.

On one hand, I consider myself possessed of a wide and varied taste in movies, able to judge films on a myriad of levels and appreciate them for what they set out to do and not hold them to some kind of baseline criteria.

On the other hand, I have been reading Green Lantern since I was in fourth grade.

That's some sweet eyeball.

In this current environment of remakes and adaptations, contemporary fans are constantly at war with themselves. Does one temper one’s expectations? Must fans divorce all background knowledge and experience with a property/mythology to enjoy themselves and not drive their friends crazy?

I have no idea.

But here are my (random and scattered) thoughts on the Green Lantern film. Read the rest of this entry


Oh hey everyone.

Aw. That's kinda nice.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this or not, but for the last month I have been on what we in the “industry” like to call “hiatus.” Which is a nice way of saying I’m currently unemployed. The nice thing about working in TV is that there is a built in two month period in the summer where productions shut down to give everyone a break. The bad thing about working in TV is that there is a built in two month period where I don’t get paid.  Now, I understand that there are many, many people in this country that have been unemployed for many months or years.  Which is a God damn shame. But this isn’t going to be a political post about the state of our economy or anything.  I just wanted to acknowledge there are thousands of people in this country who have it harder than me before I start talking about how bored I am.  That’s the thing though, if you haven’t been unemployed in your lifetime that’s awesome! But I’ll have you know that you learn a lot about yourself when you are obligated to do literally nothing.  And that’s what I’d like to share with you today. What I’ve learned about myself in the last month or so:

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Major Questions From The First Photo of The Assembled Avengers

  • Is The Hulk naked? Will he just be this monstrous nude form the entire movie, genitals swinging around wildly? Because that is horrifying. And slightly hot.
  • Without seeing Hawkeye’s legs, we must assume that he is riding Captain America side saddle, correct?
  • Why does this feel like an incomplete cast? Yes, Nick Fury’s likely to see some action, but without core Avengers members such as Vision, Scarlett Witch, or Wasp, the team feels small. If nothing, another female member adds some sex appeal. The posters that would sell alone.
  • Is Robert Downey Jr a bit miffed that in most of the posters for these movies, he’s the only one with his face covered?
  • When is Marvel going to make sure that the top search result on Google for “The Avengers” isn’t the 1998 adaption of the british adventure show?

The Internet’s Summed Up In This YouTube Comment

Gather round, children. There used to be an acclaimed show on television called All In The Family. It was the best. The main character, Archie Bunker was a loud, old-fashioned racist whose views were controversial yet contained a lot of feelings still present at the time. Imagine Sheldon from Big Bang Theory was a Tea Party member. Also imagine that the Tea Party movement had more clout. That is similar to how Archie Bunker was as a mouthpiece for a large section of people when it first aired. Despite being a racist and a crumb bum, he was a sympathetic character and the relationships within the entire cast were as tender and real as I’ve seen on a program. Again, it was the best. Later on, the series spun off into a new version where Archie ran a bar called Archie Bunker’s Place. It was in this series that his wife, the lovable and naive Edith, died of a stroke. It is a heartbreaking episode and some of the finest acting ever seen on the silver screen.

I watch that episode sometimes late at night when I feel like having a good cry. It’s so low budget and simple it’s akin to watching a televised play. It is, by all means, art. So of course, in the comments for a YouTube upload of the episode,  I would find the worst part of humanity. Here it is ladies and gentlemen, the worst part of the internet:

Read the rest of this entry