A Monkey Uprising Will Never Be A Problem (or James Franco is a Wuss)

Rise of the Planet of the Apes, let’s talk. First, I’m going to call you Of The Of The, because I’m not interested in the Rise, Planet, or Apes.

Your premise is absurd. Not the part where monkeys become hyper-intelligent and consequently extremely annoyed that we’ve kept them in cages and subjected them to the rage virus in 28 Days Later; the part that an ape uprising could actually take the planet.

The film never goes too deep into the details of man becoming submissive to their simian counterparts, partly because the reveal that the planet was Earth all along is saved for and the end and partly because if you start to reason how monkeys would ever evolve while man devolves you go insane.

A world-changing like the one depicted in PotA must have occurred over generations. Humans, weak from nuclear war, would’ve dwindled in numbers as apes somehow carried on. Perhaps all the zoos had nuclear fallout shelters and zookeepers valiantly gave their lives to preserve their simians. Is that the plot of Kevin Smith’s new Zookeeper film? It should be. Oh, he’s just trying to get a woman with the assistance of talking animals? Damn.

This trailer seems to suggest that monkeys take over in a matter of days; an instant power shift. If that’s so, did humans eventually become dumb and primitive because the monkeys refused to teach us? Is that what happened? Ape rule continued No Child Left Behind and eventually all men forgot how to speak? Then once all the humans were beautiful models and pooping themselves the monkeys said, “Okay, everyone forget that the humans were once powerful. We shall put them in the woods and hunt them for sport. This is a MUCH better idea than just killing them all outright”.

And this uprising would never get far. Let’s be generous and say there are 200 monkeys in every major city. Five to ten in the zoos, and the rest cared for by extravagant millionaires and Ross from Friends. If they all became hyper-intelligent and all wanted to murder us outright at the same time, that’s only a few thousand monkeys in the entire country. Not a threat. Give them a few days, and you’d see hunters just driving around Chicago taking pot shots at gorillas wearing armor made of pots and pans. It would actually be fun. You wouldn’t walk through Central Park for a week or so, but you’re not going to have to worry about Bobo the Chimp sneaking into your apartment at night and stabbing you in your sleep. Okay, that’s actually really scary.

Let’s even step it up a notch; give them all heat rays. I don’t know where they got them, just give them laser guns with unlimited power cells. So you’d have monkeys roaming the streets frying everyone they saw. We would just carpet bomb a few blocks of Sunset Blvd. Gorillas, we were able to take on the Decepticons, even though Megatron had his tank form. You’re not a threat. I will step on you monkey, you are two feet tall.

Other, less-developed countries might have a problem with this. So we’d just never go to Africa. “That is now Monkey Island!” someone would say. “Good luck, Africans!” and we’d just never allow a monkey to drive a boat to America. There would be people checking the coasts all the time for rogue monkey ships and it would be our only concern. “Hey monkey! Yes, you wearing that hat and trench coat like you’re a human! Get outta here!”

Also, James Franco, if you’re trying to develop some brain-repairing, intelligence-advancing drug, it’s kind of cheating to give it to the smartest of your test monkeys. It’d be much more impressive if you had picked Gerta, the ape who thinks the tree in her pen is her mate, and made her your subject. Also, a monkey who puts his hand out for food is not smart, he’s just hungry. Maybe giving hyper-intelligence to the monkey that shows greed isn’t the best idea.

So this would make national news for a few days and then everyone would go back to their normal lives, a little sad that all the monkeys are dead now. Maybe in a few years a monkey that had been lying low would hold up a 7-11 as one last act of rebellion. There, on the floor, covered in spilt Slurpee’s and bullet holes, he’d say to himself “Damn you for making me smart. I was much more content not realizing I was a barbaric animal that had fecal matter stuck to my fur in the back.”

Reality: This helicopter would be hundreds of feet away (Why are you so close? Is it that hard for you to see the carnage on the bridge?), it would have guns, there would be ten more of them, and that gorilla would get a shotgun to the face. Gorilla, unless you know how to fly that helicopter, you’re going to die along with it when it crashes. “Hyper-intelligent” my butt.

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About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on June 7, 2011, in Chad Quandt, Movies and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I love this i want more on this subject
    any references please?

  2. Long Duck Dong

    THis is 100% correct and also pretty funny.

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