You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry
Which lately seems like it’s all the time.
Have you ever woken up and thought “When did I become such an insufferable cunt?” If you followed my twitter account, you’d know that I had this very realization yesterday morning. How did I come to this conclusion? Well. I’m not proud of it, but I yelled at this adorable cat.
I know. I’m a cunt (I love this word. It’s the only reason I would want to be British). She’s agonizingly cute. And what was her crime? She wants to be near me…ALL THE TIME. She follows me from room to room. Crying outside the door if I close it, sticking her little paws under the door as if she’s trying to get in. She just wants to be in my lap or licking my hair at all times. She’s the most affectionate and loving cat on the face of God’s green Earth. And I yelled at her yesterday for being too good of a companion. **In my defense though. If she was a person, she would be that clingy, nightmare girlfriend who my friends would constantly tell me to leave. Then when I’d finally muster up the courage to break up with her, she would key my car, murder my dog, and set my bed on fire. The result would be a restraining order and potential jail time for her. Just sayin.**
Some people see a song about female empowerment, I see a crazy bitch. It’s catchy, though.
But this event made me give pause and I thought, “Have I always been a complete dickface?” I’m sure if we took it to poll with people I’ve known for a while, it would probably be split a solid 50/50. I like to think it’s not the case that I always have been. Actually, I like to think it’s the case that I’m not one now, but the evidence is staggering for the ladder. Sure, we all change over time. And if you’re the same person you were in high school, then there’s a good chance you’re genuinely looking forward to your 10 year high school reunion just as an excuse to get out of your parent’s basement for an evening and have some human interaction. At the very least, I can confidently say without a doubt that I am far different than who I was in high school or college or even when I first moved out to LA. But…it raises another question that we all have to ask ourselves at some point:
Have I changed for the better?
I actually tried to find an online questionnaire that I could take that might answer this question for me. Sorry kids, no dice. Could have been fun. The best I could come up with was this Bipolar Screening Quiz. Which, just by glancing at the questions, I can’t imagine anyone taking it and their result NOT coming up as they’re bipolar. It essentially says if you feel different feelings, you should probably see a psychiatrist. Ugh. So. No luck with that. Guess I gotta get all introspective on your asses.
I think for the most part, I have. Biggest thing? I’m more confident than I’ve ever been. In everything. I know I’m good at my job (when I’m working). I know I’m a funny guy. I know I can write. And I can actually talk to a woman without a debilitating fear of being shut down. As for making it work beyond that initial meeting, well let’s not get crazy. Now, committing that to paper/web/blog might come off as a little ballsy or self absorbed but let’s be honest, if you’re not willing to say it about yourself there’s a good chance no one is going to go out of their way to say it to you. Besides, a little swagger never hurt anyone. But I think LA makes you that way. If you want to be here and be in the entertainment industry, you are in a constant state of selling yourself to someone. Whether it be a casual encounter or a job interview. It can be exhausting, but at the same time very cathartic. You are forced to own your strengths and your weaknesses. And you have to constantly have the balls to put you best foot forward or take a chance on something that more than likely will never work out. It’s just the nature of the business. It can be at the same time unrelentingly tough and amazingly rewarding. And that constant shift and looming unknown on the horizon can harden an individual.
And I guess really, that’s what I’m getting to. To quote an NK favorite, Childish Gambino, “I used to be a sweet dude/Now I’m so angry.” The rest of that lyric has the n-word in it so I left it out. But I think it effectively sums up my greatest fear. As an Eagle Scout and someone who used to be a genuinely thoughtful and nice guy, I hope I haven’t lost it. But man, I can’t think of the last time I volunteered for something. Or went out of my way to really do something nice for someone. And that scares me more than anything else in the world. I yelled at a cat yesterday, you guys. What the fuck is wrong with me? May I remind you.
And on occasion I find myself pushing away the people I care about most, whether they know it or not. For reasons that I can’t quite say are valid or even make sense. I don’t think most people would necessarily characterize me as an angry guy. Loud? Oh yea. Boisterous? Goes without saying. Sarcastic? Duh. Grating? Yup. But I’m not Hulking out on a regular basis or anything. But I get the sense that I’m losing a part of myself that at one time I prided myself on. And I think at one point in our lives, probably multiple times, we all have this happen. But then again, maybe it’s not as bad as I’m making it out to be. I don’t think anyone would say I’m a bad person. I’m willing to offer a kind word or lend a hand to a friend or family. But what bothers me is that I know I can be better. And I have been. And I should be. Though, I suppose we all should be.
Sheesh. Between me and Adam this blog is getting pretty personal. But it’s good, because what’s humor without a little heart?
Anyway. That’s all I have for today. I promise jokes next time. I swear. So many dick and fart jokes.