Dear Celebs: Tomorrow, We Ride at Dawn Edition

Dear Darren Aronofsky,
What in the Screaming Blue Hell are you thinking?

You drop out of Wolverine as, perhaps, our only real hope for a decent movie starring the ol’ Canucklehead, to work on an “edgy” version of Noah’s Ark?

I understand that you’re a serious filmmaker, and that as a serious filmmaker who made Black Swan you are now in a position where you must follow up on that movie with something equally artistic and driven as that movie that also does as well commercially. You have to prove that you’re not a flash in the pan director, but that you exist in that rare Venn diagram overlap between commerce and art.

But you know who else lives that rarefied air?

Christopher “Fucking” Nolan. Did you see Dark Knight?

The Dark Knight
makes Batman Begins look downright childish. All the mountain top fortresses filled with ninjas, sky trains, and steam weapons *wanking motion,* do not fare well when judged next to Dark Knight.

Don’t get me wrong, when Batman Begins first came out, I was over the moon that someone FINALLY made a movie about Batman and not his villains, all of whom, the previous movies got wrong. Yeah, I know it’s Jack Nicholson, Michelle Pfiefer, and Danny DeVito, but lots of great actors have been in shitty movies, or get bad roles. It happens to the best.

However, when Dark Knight came out, there wasn’t a silly thing in it. It was a crime story, a story about paranoia, brute force in a civilized world, order, chaos, redemption, and loss.


And then it made a billion dollars. Which Nolan parlayed into Inception which made 800 million worldwide, and now he’s coming back for a third Batman movie.

Do you know how much money Nolan has? NEITHER DOES HE.

It doesn’t matter, because it will never run out. Between The Dark Knight, Inception, and The Dark Knight Rises he’ll never run out of money. He can do all the backward, dreams inside dreams movies he wants and fund them himself, and probably make a profit, maybe not as big as if he had a studio’s distribution, but he’s an artist, not a company, so making only 10 million back isn’t too bad.

This is it. This is the zenith of art. We should pack it up as a species. We will never fly higher.

You could do that. You could do all the Buddha’s in space, anorexic lesbian, double penetration, Wall Street conspiracies you want, forever, if you would just make a goddamn Wolverine movie, then another movie like Black Swan, and then another Wolverine movie. Boom, set for life. Make whatever the fuck you want.

I understand I’m coming at you with fierceness. That’s because if I were to make list of the top ten most influential people on my life, Wolverine would be on there twice.

The Bible doesn’t need any help to be edgy. Have you ever really sat down and read it, particularly the Old Testament? It is filled with murder, lies, genocide, sodomy, rape, war, you don’t actually have to work that hard to make it gritty, you just have to not sanitize it to the point where a talking cucumber can hop around and tell me about sharing, and I assume sodomy.

There's my argument against gay marriage. Fire from the fucking sky.

Do the right thing, make Wolverine fight ninjas, and I’ll go see whatever mind-bending insight into the human condition you want to make. For life.


Dear Anthony Weiner,

Get a load of this Weiner.

The irony of the situation must be killing you more than anything.

A lot of politicians have bounced back from sex scandals. Hell I can’t even remember the names of the Republican senators who got caught with unshaven young men and the old guy soliciting for sex via toe taps in a bathroom stall.

You’ll come through this fine, but c’mon. We all went to grade school. With a last name like that, you probably got crucified in elementary. Taunted nonstop with nicknames, an endless barrage of “hey, Weiner, show us your weiner!”

Then when you make something of yourself, rise through the ranks of politics, and finally start showing people your weiner thanks to the magic of social media, what happens?

All of a sudden, you’re supposed to not show your weiner, Weiner?

The worst part is, you can longer say stuff like “let’s put it all on the table,” “whip it out,” and “hang on, I’ll solve the deficit using my penis.”

My heart goes out to you, Weiner.



Dear Every Men’s Magazine,

Esteemed bro's and brah's...

I understand your market. I have a feeling we’re striving for the same demographic.

I also understand the whole incestuous circle jerk that is modern media. You want people to read your magazine, so you do stories about movies coming out that are, by and large, fluff pieces that softball questions or do reverent write-ups about summer popcorn fare as suggested by the publicists and marketing agencies allowing you access to the stars and the sets in exchange to gets eyes on your magazine/blog and the movie gets free advertising.

I get it; one hand washes the other.

However, everyone is falling all over Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, which, I’m not here to debate whether or not she is attractive.

I’ll remind all of you that I look like this:


So me discussing the attractiveness of another person is laughable at best.

No, I’m here to argue that Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is not the hottest woman on the planet. I get that the new Transformers movie is the biggest movie of the summer, and she’s one of the biggest parts of that movie, but guys, please don’t force onto us the notion that she’s the hottest woman of the year; she just stands to be the most famous.

It’s basically the Cameron Diaz syndrome. Because a woman is in a lot of movies, and on the cover of a lot of magazines, all of which purport her hottness, it is expected by taken by the public as a fact.

It is not.

Again, not arguing against her attractiveness, merely either woman’s positioning as the standard bearer.

I’ll remind you that the Transformers franchise has featured these two women.

You’ll notice neither one has what scientists call “ye ol’ Man Jaw.”

If that’s your thing, great, but c’mon Complex, Maxim, and every other ‘Men’s’ Magazine, I got eyes. They work.


Don’t mind me, just making it so I can never work in this town.


Posted on June 9, 2011, in Matt Loman, Movies, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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