FUNemployment

Oh hey everyone.

Aw. That's kinda nice.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this or not, but for the last month I have been on what we in the “industry” like to call “hiatus.” Which is a nice way of saying I’m currently unemployed. The nice thing about working in TV is that there is a built in two month period in the summer where productions shut down to give everyone a break. The bad thing about working in TV is that there is a built in two month period where I don’t get paid.  Now, I understand that there are many, many people in this country that have been unemployed for many months or years.  Which is a God damn shame. But this isn’t going to be a political post about the state of our economy or anything.  I just wanted to acknowledge there are thousands of people in this country who have it harder than me before I start talking about how bored I am.  That’s the thing though, if you haven’t been unemployed in your lifetime that’s awesome! But I’ll have you know that you learn a lot about yourself when you are obligated to do literally nothing.  And that’s what I’d like to share with you today. What I’ve learned about myself in the last month or so:

BARRY WHITE MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE…

Not a handsome man, but he can make a woman climax by whispering in her ear. Respect.

…when I’m alone.  I’ve spent a majority of my time off trying to write at my desk at home.  And while I’m writing I like to put my gigantic iTunes library on random and just see where it takes me.  A week or so ago, Barry White’s “Love’s Theme” came on and I found myself becoming increasingly uncomfortable in my empty house.  Barry White is…sexy? I guess. Actually, I’m not even sure that’s true anymore.  Does anyone of our generation really get turned on when a Barry White song comes on? We’ve just been conditioned to know that’s what’s supposed to happen, right? I don’t think I’ve ever tipped the scales for a woman to have sex with me my putting on some Barry White. Maybe as a joke? Maybe? Kinda sounds like something I’d do. My point is, no matter what we do, we all associate Barry with sex.  And when you’re by yourself listening to him, you get a sense that maybe you’re missing out on something. Like some kind of orgy flashmob is going to pop out of your closet at any moment.  All I’m saying is that if you listen to Barry White by yourself, the air grows thick with the threat of an impending sexual assault.  Try it.

Speaking of my writing.

I AM PRODUCTIVE…

On an hourly basis, everyone is required to share what they're working on. I don't make the rules.

…if I am anywhere else BUT my house.  Don’t get me wrong, I HATE being that dude in the coffee shop typing away on their laptop writing their big, important screenplay.  Hate it.  But if I’m at home, I am about 1000 times less productive than if I’m somewhere else.  I mean, I can get stuff done at home but sooner or later I start to look at stuff on the internet. And sooner or later that leads to me looking at porn on the internet.  Which leads to me masturbating.  Not even because I want to. I’m not horny.  I don’t NEED to do it.  I will literally jerk off due to boredom.  And also, because I can. I have roommates so there aren’t a whole lot of times I can watch porn with the sound blasting. It’s a perk that I am more than willing to take full advantage of. During the writing of this blog, I have jerked off three times. And I’m not even half way done.  I’M A MONSTER!! For me as a writer, the coffee shop is a hallowed ground.  Where I must respect the writing Gods and those around me by diligently doing my work and keeping my pants on.

Also, LA Noire has been taking up a little bit of my time. A little.

I LIKE LMFAO

Ugh. I’m sorry. I can’t help it.

Just. Listen to the song. LISTEN. The motherfucker is catchy as hell. I can’t help it.  Of course, when I’m drunk in a bar I love all their stuff. After all, I am in fact taking “shots shots shots shots shots.” I am also more than likely in whatever city they are saying I’m in, bitch. They write about my life.  They’re like the club’s Bob Dylan.  Just really getting to the heart of things that matter….in the club.

Shots. Ladies. Two story tall Jesus’. Post apocalyptic dance parties. You know, stuff the kids care about.

FUN FACT: Both the dudes in LMFAO are related to Motown founder Berry Gordy.  Actually, they’re uncle and nephew to each other. Weird.

DRINKING IS A GOOD TIME

They were a dollar. Don't judge me.

It’s been proven time and time again. In the event of financial crisis, the sales of alcohol skyrocket.  This is true on a personal scale as well. I may not always have money to feed myself but I seem to always the ability to scrape a couple bucks together for a beer.  It’s like a low budget super power I gained from when a radioactive hobo bit me. But then again, when all you’re eating is eggs, beans, and things in tortilla form, you’ll probably have a few bucks for some alcohol. It’s actually a great way to lose weight. Being poor. Really working out for me guys.

I’m not an alcoholic or anything (so far as I know) but drinking is a good way to pass the time.  Do you honestly expect me to spend all 16 odd hours of consciousness in a day sober? You gotta be fucking kidding me.  I’ll save myself for sobriety when I’m working.

This is pretty much all I had for you.  I’m gonna go now.

This whiskey isn’t going to finish itself.

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About Kyle McVey

I like stuff and feel ways about things.

Posted on June 15, 2011, in LOLJK, Music, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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