How I Figure “The King’s Speech” Ended

Colin Firth, The King of Europe, nervously approaches a large, crowd of British folks, all looking at him through bifocals and double monocles.

As he reaches the podium, a small boy with cancer that we’ve grown to love the entire movie, hoists up an enormous microphone to him. The King pats him affectionately on the head.

LIL’ CANCER BOY: Oi yer gonna do it, King!

The boy coughs and spits out a black lump of something.

THE KING: Hello, People of New Europe. I have come to talk to you about the importance of good diets. And also of the German menace that encroaches on our lands.

Off in the distance a German War Blimp bombs the textile district of London.

THE KING: We were fools to ignore the signs. When Hitler II sent us that video telegraph of him eating a cooked baby like a Thanksgiving turkey, silverware and all, we should’ve known he was up to no good. Again, we were fools. And as your king, I am thus The Foolish King.

PEASANT 1: Hey, that’d also be a good title for a movie.

PEASANT 2: Shut up. Hitler II blew up my house with a robotic blimp.THE KING: Here are the words I have spent months practicing. Do you well listen to them…Fuck.

The King looks over at Geoffrey Rush, who gives an enthusiastic thumbs up.

THE KING: We must not litter. This is very important. Someone has to clean that up eventually, and it’s possible Hitler II’s time machine that allowed him to come here with future tech was made out of that trash.

The crowd nods in agreement. A peasant picks up a stray aluminum can and clutches it like a grenade.

THE KING: We must protect Einstein. If he dies, we have no chance of stopping this. If we can hold out for another ten to fifteen years, he might be able to invent something to save us.

Part of the crowd cheers. A few die of old age.

THE KING: Even if Hitler II wins, we must keep the British way of life.  Older, floppy, charming British men must always be our nation’s ideal. Being flummoxed by a beautiful woman is how we mate. So I ask you, sons and daughters of New Europe, to stand with me! We shall hold onto what makes us real! We shall always prevail!

A shadow looms over the crowd. Suddenly, a giant Nazi Bear Mech lands among the people, flattening many of them. It lets out a loud techno roar.

The King pulls a vibrating sword from his cane and lunges at the mech.

THE KING: Speech over.


About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on July 12, 2011, in Chad Quandt, Character, Movies and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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