Dear Celebs: Comic Con Edition

Dear Celebrities That Were at Comic-Con,

Hey, stop changing my pictures.

You guys can stop faking it. Listen, no one’s really happy about you guys having to be at Comic-Con, except you know, the people who are really into Glee, and the damaged, lost sections of humanity that cling to Twilight.

Geeks are pissed that it’s not about comics anymore, and that there are so few panels about that industry. Everyone else is upset they have to be around the geeks.

I'll never stop believin' you over-auto-tuned bastards.

We know that you don’t want to be there. Look at you. You’re beautiful. That’s why you’re on TV, and blown up four stories tall on a movie screen. If you were ugly you’d have to write and draw or, at the very least start a band to get laid like the rest of us. You’re supposed to be at some exclusive club or  seated in a restaurant without a name or menu, not acting like it’s okay when a bunch of mutants ask you which Starfleet captain you’d sleep with, or having to stand there and smile hollowly with dead eyes while your picture is taken like you’re in a zoo or on display at some kind of freak show, but where the freaks have perfect cheekbones.

I bet this guy can't wait until he gets to cut his hair.

So please, please, respect us enough to stop faking it. Stop filling my Twitter feed with retweets from the other sad beautiful bastards trapped there with you, or answering questions from the sad bastards who couldn’t make it to Comic Con. Don’t use this weekend as geek street cred when pimping out your next awful movie based on a graphic novel that actually started out as a shitty screenplay, or your next terrible videogame adaptation.

This is the internet age. We know quite a bit. We might not talk about it. We may not bring it up every time you’re on TV, but we remember everything. We know everything. We know whether or not you’re actually a nerd. We know whether or not you’re actually a fan of something. If you’re not, it’s okay.

If Christian Bale actually grew up loving Batman, he wouldn’t have been a good Batman. He wouldn’t look like this.

Pffft, whatever. I'd look all jacked up if my personal trainer was a cult of ninjas, too.

He’d look like me. No one wants that.

I AM VENGEANCE. I AM THE NIGHT. I AM DRUNK AS SHIT.

I don’t even want that. And I wear a Batman cape to bed. And to hang out around the house. And to work. And to blind dates.

I am not on trial here. You can’t trial try the Batman.

I’m not mad at you celebrities. I’m setting you free. Free to do whatever you want, and whomever you want, but I ask of you one thing, one simple caveat.

Respect us enough to acknowledge that you don’t give a shit about us.

Like you give a shit.

And stop crowding out Fraction and Hickman at Comic Con. They write daddy’s stories.

Yours,

Matt

*-*-*

Dear Comic Book Movies,

Listen, guys, please, I’m begging you no more origins.

Oh, look who's 16, again.

We get it. We all get it. You can just cover it in the opening credits, because no one cares about watching someone figuring out how to use their powers. We want to watch people throw cars at each other and punch buildings in half. You know what movie was great?

X-Men 2.

Another? Spider-Man 2

Oh, lest we forget Blade, Blade 2, Superman 2, and the Dark Knight.

Every movie with vampires and zombies should be like this. All of them. Everything else is wrong.

You know why?

Because we skipped the foreplay. We said “fuck you” to the treacle. The main character was already the main character from the start, not the end. We watched him grow into something else, not become what we already know he’s supposed to be.  Stuff actually happens that affects the entire world and not just our hero and his dipshit journey to win over some chick who wouldn’t have fucked him before he had superpowers. It’s like he became rich after college.

That’s what Spider-Man is all about: a loser gets rich/superpowers and now all the chicks who wouldn’t look at him before now want to fuck him. Wallcrawling is his bank account.

Which is actually why I asked all of you here, the Amazing Spider-Man.

I saw the trailer and it’s the origin again. All you did was switch out the major love interests. Look, I know I made fun of Andrew Garfield because of this picture:

I don't know who talked you into this, but fire them, dude.

Scarfield pics aside, I think we can all agree that this is a good looking dude, and that we have believe that he’s an outcast because…? He wears a hoodie with the hood up? He’s good at school? He doesn’t enjoy not wearing a scarf?

Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrddddddddddddddd!

Skip this part. Just skip it. Cover it in the credits and let’s move the fuck on. Not to mention there’s some bullshit conspiracy involving his parents and his dad’s secret briefcase?

What? Are his folks going to work for Oscorp and we’re going to deal with some massive conspiracy throughout the trilogy? Is the Green Goblin going to be the worst parts of the predatory businessman Norman Osborne? Will being the Goblin bring amplify these traits to make him a savage and primal avatar of man’s worst desires and thus, the opposite of Spider-Man and his faith in goodness and science? Is he going to wear make-up? Will he be an agent of Chaos? Are you making a green Joker?

Joker Goblin? Joker Goblin. Huh. Yup.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck yourself in a fire. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Seriously, sweet first-person sequence, bro.

In fairness, we probably won’t even see the Goblin in thus upcoming movie, so the Joker comparison is speculation, but if there is one thing Hollywood is good at, it’s learning the wrong lesson. So instead of redesigning a villain to be a hero’s polar opposite, every villain for the next couple of years is probably going to be Batman’s polar opposite.

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Posted on July 25, 2011, in Matt Loman, Pop Culture. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I think the first Hellboy covered the origin in a pretty succinct manner. Sure, took 20 minutes out of the movie, but that’s not much when you’ll be sitting there for 2 hours. And there’s another movie I’m thinking of where they take care of all the beginning bullshit during the actual credits but for some odd reason the name is eluding me.

    How about they make a Portal movie where the entire thing is the scientists building the Portal gun instead of someone going through testing chambers? The end could be the computer finally going crazy and gassing everyone, and then we see the first test subject wake up (after the credits roll). That way we make sure the audience doesn’t get to watch anything interesting at all!

    Also, the computer has a love interest. It’s obsessed with a toaster or something. A blender. Some household appliance that shouldn’t be hanging around a lab.

  2. “What’s that on his face?” “Crazy sauce.” ROLL credits!

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