A Board Game Movie

They’re making a movie based on the board game Battleship.

This brings to mind a couple of questions:How do the people behind this movie think ranks work in the military? He’s risen from enlisted to officer faster than anyone Liam Neeson’s seen in the history of the Navy?

At least John Carter looks good.

Moving through the military is not like Double Dare. There aren’t physical challenges you can just wake up one morning and accomplish. There’s no trivia section where our rebellious hero can display his superior knowledge or ability to memorize things extremely well. You have to work hard and have people like you. So, if someone is constantly late, a wise-ass to his superiors, and just doesn’t take being in the Navy seriously, he probably won’t go very far.

Look at literally ever movie, documentary, or book about the military, real or fictional, and there is always an officer who’s competent, well-liked by the men in the field, and brave who is overlooked by the entrenched officers and never gets the acknowledgment he deserves. Because he doesn’t kiss ass. Or he doesn’t care.

As long as the aliens leave his daughter alone, they'll make it.

Instead, we’re given this guy, who we know is a real James Dean motherfucker because rock music plays when he first shows up, and stuffy old Admiral Taken doesn’t like him. He somehow rises through the ranks even though everyone else in the movie in a uniform treats him like a dickhead. I get that our hero, who’s apparently named ‘Stone Hopper,’ has to be highly competent so later in the movie, probably after Liam Neeson acknowledges he’s a good guy, gives him permission to marry his daughter, and then dies, he can assume control from all the uptight officers who never believed in him and save the day. We have to establish that he’s good at his job, but also a rad dude without time for your rules, Society, but there has got to be a better way.

Second, jumping boats.

Motherfucking jumping boats!

The game Battleship is about a naval battle where people have giant cannons and depth charges, but no radar. So you “fire” at coordinates on the map and wait for effect. Sort of like waiting for the bounce back from sonar.

The trailer, taking place in the modern day, where we have radar and satellites in space that can read the numbers on your watch, actually deals with this. Notice the giant energy dome shooting out of the something, into space, and forming over the battle and a quick shot of the radar being fucked.

God, that's awesome.

Well played.

So there is an energy dome that prevents the ships from using everything but their big goddamn guns,and it becomes somewhat similar to the board game.


Sorry, sorry, I lost it for a second, now I’m back.

Okay, the radar is disabled, and it becomes an older naval battle with modern guns. Fucking cool. Not cool in the sense of “that’s some cool shit” because we need to see the movie first, but I mean, cool in the sense of “everyone got that? Cool.” Got it? Everyone cool? Cool.
However, there are jumping ships.That, in and of itself, deserves it’s own blog, because why would you invent a technology that can make something as big a ship jump through the air, and not just make it fly permanently?

No, no, no,the biggest problem is since ships jump, they become highly visible. They are very easy to see, especially from very far out, where perception makes things look flat; then they jump up; you get an idea where they are, and you just shoot the shit out of them.

I just realized that when the Navy shoots at a spot, the ships will jump out of the way. Everyone’s going to have to learn teamwork.

For the ladies.

Real fast, why are the two highest ranking people in this movie, Liam Neeson and Alexander Skarsgard, not American?

That’s really more of an indictment on American actors, and shouldn’t really be held against the makers of the movie. US bros, man the fuck up.

Finally, this is Rihanna’s first movie. Where’s Rihanna? I was promised Rihanna. I came here for Rihanna.

She really needs an AK/ Ay/ Ay/ Ay/ Ay/ Ay/ Ay/ Ay/ Ay/

Where in the goddamn hell is my Rihanna?

And the fellas.

Hah, Admiral Rihanna.

Jesus, movies, man.

Finally, do you guys want to start a pool and place bets on who has to gets to say, “you sank my battleship?”


Posted on August 1, 2011, in Matt Loman, Movies, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. What about the peg missles? Just to make sure you know it’s Battleship?

    • I didn’t even think of that, and I totally needed a third thing to write about.

      Well played, Paul.

      Well played.

  2. I had the impression that it was a damaged alien space craft that’s boosters designed to get it flying and out of the atmosphere were somehow damaged, so it initiates a defensive protocol that creates a forcefield around the craft until it has a chance to dry out its engines and/or repair itself.

    I didn’t write this movie. I swear.

  3. Tim Riggins is Canadian. No one in this fucking movie is American. You should snipe the casting director on principle.

    • At this point, all casting decisions are America’s fault.

      We’re churning out wave after wave of weiner kids.

  4. I was expecting Michael Bay to accuse whoever’s directing this movie of stealing one of his CG people and forcing him to design a not-Transformers seabot at gunpoint.

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