Lasseter, I’m About to Ruin Cars Forever

Oh John Lasseter, you sly bastard. You didn’t think I’d be onto you. But I’ve been in my library, researching on your work. I’ve caught you in your sloppy web of sloppiness. I’m about to drop the bomb on your little billion dollar franchise.

Ahem.

In Cars, bugs are normal insects. In the short, Mater & The Ghost Light, there is a car-bug (a miniature car with insect wings and turn signals). YOUR WORLD IS A GLASS MENAGERIE OF LIES, LASSETER.Get your shit together, Lasseter. The world of cars is already messed up: living cars living in buildings and roads that still seem built for humans. Where did all the humans go, John? Did the cars eat them? Is this a place where humans have never lived? How are more cars made? Do cars build other cars in factories? Is that sex for them?

How am I supposed to be pulled into your nightmarish post-apocalypse for kids if the bugs aren’t consistent? Are there both normal bugs and car-bugs? If so, that means other species existed at some point. Where are the humans, Lasseter? Where are their bones?

Some animator spent a month working on the bee for that teaser trailer back in 2005. He had to think a lot about the fact that a normal bee lived in a world of talking cars. Do you think he was bothered by seeing the car-bug a few years later? When you pissed all over his work, Lasseter? Did you silence him? Was he talking about it casually at work and the next day he called in sick dead?

Dear Wife and children/child/no child,

I have decided to end my life. I feel like my work peaked at Pixar and I owe them everything. In fact, I would like this letter to count as my formal conceding of any life insurance policies I have through the company. Also, Dreamworks sucks.

Signed, John Lasse- Bee Animator

– Bee Animator’s Suicide Note

Exhibit 1: Cars teaser trailer. A bug is murdered by Mater for laughs.

Exhibit 2: Mater and The Ghost Light (at 4:10)

I’ll be expecting my check for the finder’s fee and a remade copy of either film that creates a concise Pixar universe.

Thanks.

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About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on August 2, 2011, in Chad Quandt, Movies and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Close, but not quite. Having a Cars-addicted kid, I’ve seen the movie and the shorts so many times it’d make your head a-splode. The bugs throughout the Cars movie are in fact car-bugs. There are several close ups of them.

    I don’t think the teaser counts since it’s not really from the world of the movie, nor contains footage from the movie (that is until the montage after the bug in question). It’s just a gag devised to juxtapose Pixar movies.

    And besides, Lasseter already ruined the franchise with Cars 2.

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