EVO 2011 Grand Finals: The Lazier Super Bowl

Drama. There are some awesome moments that have come out of EVO, the largest and most legit fighting tournament in the world. It can be hard for people unfamiliar with fighting games to understand what’s going on (just like all sports!), but a few events seem instantly understandable. This year had an eight-year old who got into the finals and became a crowd hero. There’s also when Daigo (the same guy who just got rocked out in the above image) parried a Chun-Li super (which required 30+ specifically timed commands).

Japan, you weird. Giant sword guys and witches with poles? I don’t know what’s going on here. Spark shows crazy defense. It seems like a hit can’t land on him. He’s always waiting for the perfect chance to get in there and endlessly juggle someone. I’d imagine a techno knight would probably win in any fight with a pole dancing stripper, so this match’s outcome makes sense.

Lord Knight, you might have done better if you weren’t wearing sunglasses indoors. This isn’t World Series of Poker. You’re not Johnny Millionhits.

I root for Crimson Viper players because C.Viper might have a dick. It’s hard enough for transgender people to make it in this world, why can’t questionably transgender fighting game characters succeed? She’s the little guy, with a very little guy in her pants.

This felt like how I’d play. I learn one or two good moves and do them repeatedly. That neutral fire kick of Viper’s? I know that, and would also just spam that if I found myself in Evo.

MVC3, We’re going to talk. You’ve broken my heart with this Ultimate Edition coming out seven months after you released, your characters aren’t even close to balanced, and somehow the roster of 56 in MvC2 got reduced into the 30s. But PR Balrog’s Tron comeback that stopped the match point is a great Evo/Fighting game moment. This is a great “sports” match up. Viscant just looks like the bad guy from a videogame fighting movie. He has corporate swag on, he makes shaking fingers motions at his opponent, and he uses Phoenix. I don’t analyze the frame counts on Wolverine, or know that Haggar’s assist trumps all, but how is a character possibly balanced if she can turn into Dark Phoenix, replenish all of her health, and send out death from the sky? Yes, she has a glass jaw. When you unleash the power of a sun, that doesn’t really matter.

Skulls. Ninjas with different color suits. I don’t think anyone takes Mortal Kombat fighters seriously. For god’s sake, there are trees with frown faces in the background that are eternally lynching people.

This is the least interesting game to watch. Tekken guys, you are boring. You’re the guys that actually take martial arts lessons and probably also read The Art of War. Tekken is also the closest game to real fighting (ignoring men with leopard faces); punch, punch, block. That is the majority of a Tekken match. Pretty dull, Tekken. Why doesn’t someone materialize a cannon out of thin air?


About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on August 8, 2011, in Chad Quandt, Pop Culture, Videogames and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Cool, didn’t expect you to summarize EVO, but it’s a welcome addition.

    Well, there is a demon guy in Tekken 6 who can shoot lasers from his eyes, And a couple of bears. And a robot you can dress to look like a bulky Stephen Colbert. but yeah, most of the characters’ moves are based off of actual martial arts. (except Miguel…I think he’s just a drunken barfighter). Playing T6 is fun. Watching it really is boring, especially when it’s just two Bobs poking at each other for 10 minutes.

    MvC3…well, fuck Capcom. Just, fuck them. I got hyped into pre-ordering this game as I thought they wouldn’t pull their stunts with the versus series, and then they announce a sequel/expansion pack not even half a year later. I’m still waiting for them to come out with Super Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3 Hyper Fighting Edition X. As for the match itself, yeah, Phoenix is a fucking game-breaker in the hands of a pro.

    Blazblue CS2: I gotta get back into that game one of these days. Kinda surprised there were no Noels in the final, considering the sheer amount, but I liked the outcome.

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