The Conqueror of Summer

by Michael Bay

The dust has settled and the summer movie season has limped in to the dumping ground of August, and who is the king?

That would be me.

Fun fact, the summer is limping right now because I fucked it into submission, and there’s an awesome chance I might have completely restructured how the summer’s hips work due to my erotic slamming.

I dominated America. I dominated it.

I almost won overseas except for Pirates of the Caribbean: Captain Depp Wears Eyeliner and Pretends He’s a Rockstar. Which is fine. If that’s what the rest of the savages populating the world love in a movie, I’m happy, so very, very, very happy to not be what those assholes want.

I know; I didn’t please the people who gave us Coldplay, Radiohead, and where the punchline for every joke is someone wearing a dress or awkward silence. “Oh, boo-hoo, France, who already thinks we suck, only approves of some bisexual dynamo giving hairless young men in uniform syphilis and ass scurvy.”


Italy hasn’t done shit since they invented pizza, which, by the way, completely sucks over there. Oh, thanks, for this piece of bread with a leaf on it. Great. Can’t wait to not fill up on this as it sucks up none of the booze in my system so I can crash this Lambo into a mule pulling trinkets to market. Goodness, I spoke too soon. You’re going to drizzle olive oil on it. Well shit my dick.

Yeah, fucking right.

Molto bene.

Spain is just Mexico’s England.

Germany, I will admit: I admire. Their immigration and ethnic policies are short-sighted given how hot multi-racial girls are, and have you seen some of the Jewish women in Los Angeles? Holy shit. But their dedication to giant fucking machines that shoot explosions is fucking awesome.

Did you know they invented the assault rifle, the rocket, night vision, and the jet fighter? If you’re not hard right now, I don’t know what to tell you except it sounds like your dick’s broke.

Look, everyone! It's the AK's grandad!

I have a feeling that my magnum opus about giant robots spin kicking each others’ heads off and shooting fire at everything did very well there. I can write off the rest of Europe.

Asia should have been more of a slam dunk. I hate that we lost a little ground there. Giant robots and blondes with giant eyes are usually enough to get all of their delicious yen, but as the world becomes more and more global, Japan is adopting all the lame shit we do in the West.

Goddamn it, Japan.

Like continuing to give a shit about Johnny Depp. You film school pussies and dickless hipsters can blow him all you want, but when’s the last time he made the movies that made it okay for you guys to put his penis inside your holes?

Going to Japan used to be like going into the future where everything was colored neon, transformed, the streets were brimming with Yakuza, constant sword fights on rooftops, and the vending machines are filled with soiled panties. Now, it’s just New York with funny writing.

Goddamn it, Japan part 2: The Quickening.

However I still remain King Cock where it counts, in America.

The only one who came close was Harry Potter, but even the most androgynous wizard in the whole wide world can’t do shit against giant robots from outer space. Do you know why?


How the hell do you get casual fans in there? Dads won’t take their sons. Families can’t go on the spur of the moment. Don’t turn my movie-going experience into fucking homework. It’s summer, goddamn it.

Fire Serpent is the name of my new band.

Don’t get me wrong, the trailer looked amazing. They always look amazing. Living fire? Are you fucking kidding me? I once did mescaline cut with fermented great white shark eyes, and I swear, for the six and half days that high took place, I ejaculated living fire exclusively. Fucking in a room filled with living fire is the last thing I have to cross off my bucket list.

I know some of you think me prone to hyperbole, but I’ll point out that my engorged dick just tore a hole through my pants and left a dick shaped hole in the desk like a sexy Bugs Bunny cartoon.

Living Fire and my awesome penis aside, at the end of the day, these movies end with two people pointing sticks at each other and yelling made-up words and someone wins because they’re more special than the other guy.

Whoo. Yeah. Let's do it. Or whatever.

Let’s base the climax of an entire series on believing in yourself and being born the right person. Sounds really exciting and something I can relate to.

“What would I do in that situation? Hmmm, being chosen from birth, I suppose.”

The comic book was pretty awful.

Cowboys and Aliens certainly learned it’s place. Which is sitting in the pile of stillbirth it made at the box office. Honestly, it sounds like a movie that should have come out thirty years before mine. Killer robot aliens versus flying Navy SEAL commandos. I won. I already won before it even came out. Guns that hold six bullets and horses versus robot cars that know outer space Krav Maga? I mean, what the fuck were you thinking? Was Harrison Ford supposed to save you? Indiana Jones, maybe, but he wasn’t even Indiana Jones in the fourth Indiana Jones movie. You think he’s going to show up to play second banana to emo James Bond?

Planet of the Apes? Unless the formula makes the monkeys bullet-proof, I fail to see the problem. I’m pretty sure the entire planet is willing to lose San Francisco to preserve the human race. We don’t even like each other, let alone a new race that’s just as smart, but stronger and faster than us.

I've got such thoooooouuuuugggggggghts and proooooooobleeeeeeeeeems. I do so much brooooooooooodiiiiiiiiiiing.

Ballpark, how many apes are in each zoo? If the answer is “less than the population of the city the zoo is in” then fuck you, monkey. Sure, they can escape and go live in the woods or whatever, but to ‘rise up’ and take over?

Or we give them the cities with large zoos, they still have to take over the rest of America with… what? Have you been to America outside of LA and New York? It’s armed to the teeth.

So unless the super monkey juice:

  • makes them bullet-proof
  • gives them ability create more super monkey juice by either science or magic
  • arms the monkeys, again, through science or magic, with comparable weapons, transportation, and body armor technology
  • gives the monkeys the ability to give all the other monkeys in the entire world super monkey juice
  • AND, on top of all of that, teaches all the other apes a common language, speech or sign

There is nothing to worry about.

This means nothing. I could conquer San Francisco with a go kart and a boat oar.

Seriously, San Francisco? Conquering San Francisco accomplishes nothing, because it’s not hard. Hippies and vegans were unable to stop from getting beaten up? Holy fucking shit, someone go check water and see if it’s still wet!

I mean, I took some shit, well deserved shit, for Robot Heaven in Transformers 2: Written 15 Minutes Before the Writers’ Strike, but Robot Heaven is a lot more likely to exist then the monkeys outsmarting the NORAD strategic air command. Yeah, there’s a virus, but I’m pretty sure we’d let the whole world burn before giving it to a bunch of apes who would run out of super monkey juice.

Their best bet is to maybe breed with regular monkeys and hope super monkeyness is sexually transmitted, but that raises all kinds of ethical questions regarding sentient beings fucking animals.


I’m deep.

Did not see that coming.

See you guys next week.


Posted on August 9, 2011, in Character, Matt Loman, Movies, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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