Senator Claims He isn’t Gay; Supports Small Business

State Senator Paul Habig

(transcribed from a press conference earlier today)

Ladies and gentlemen of the press.

Fellow representatives.

My loyal constituents.

I’m sure by now, you’ve all heard the rumors that have been circulating the news stations about some of my recent activities.  Some are saying that I may have paid a young, hairless man to spend an evening with me at a small hotel just outside of our state capital.  Some are saying that the nature of our rendezvous was sexual in nature.  Some have even had the audacity to imply that I may be a homosexual.  I’ve come here today, to set the record straight.  My policy has always been one of transparency and honesty when it came to the actions I take both inside and outside of my office.  And I think that now more than ever, it’s important that I be upfront with the people who voted me into this position.  Because, ultimately, they’re the only people who I must answer to.

Did I pay an 18 year old Asian boy to meet me at the Foxlight Hotel last Friday night? I’ll put it out there right now. Yes. Yes, I did.  Was the nature of our relationship sexual? Absolutely not.  Is Lee an exceptionally attractive young man? Yes.  But more importantly, he is a dear friend.  His heart is kind and his wit sharp. If he spoke English, we would speak for hours of Eastern philosophies and the honor our grandparents brought to our respective countries. Mine was a brave patriot who died  in WWII. God bless him. And America!! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Come on everyone!! U-S-A!!

These colors don't run asshole.

No? Nevermind then. Where was I?

Ah yes.

Sure. Lee’s physique is something that should be immortalized in marble.  He smells mostly of lavender and his skin feels as soft as a newborn babe’s under the weathered hands of an elder senator.  But to assume what went on in that hotel room was a sexual encounter is quite a leap.  I’m a happily married man of over 35 years! As my beautiful wife, Tess, would willingly attest to if she had not had to go visit her sister in Virginia this week on a family emergency. Which is why you saw her leaving our home in a rush a few days ago.  You see, like any married man, I need my time away from my wife, whom I love very much and still find very sexually appealing.  Despite her rapid weight gain and her breasts finally succumbing to the constant pull of gravity. But last Friday, I found myself requiring what the young kids are now referring to as a “chill bro sesh.” Oddly enough, all of my good poker buddies were out of town. So here I find myself. Lonely. Bored. Sitting at home alone. So I did what anyone in my position would do. I logged on to a personals page and offered a young, foreign boy money to meet me at an undisclosed location fifty miles away from my home to have a “sesh.” What’s so wrong with that?! Just a couple men, who are of age mind you, sharing a few drinks, watching movies on demand, and playing a few games of Pop-o-matic Trouble while in various states of dress. If that’s gay, then everyone I’ve ever known in my lifetime is gay. Everyone YOU’VE ever known and even yourself is more than likely a gay. How could that be?! I don’t know if you noticed, but we have an overpopulation problem in this country. Sounds like America is a country where the straights are a majority to me. Doesn’t it to you? Besides, who would know whether or not I’m gay better than ME?!  Exactly.

He's got some lovely beans there.

What I feel has been left out of the story is my ongoing support of small businesses in our great state. It’s no secret that I am a man who has been blessed with wealth. Blessed. From our God, who sits in heaven above. Watching and judging us from his throne made of angel bones and stardust. Forgiving us for even our worst sins. Oh yes, God IS good. By the way, did you see me leading my church choir on Sunday? It was a lovely service. We had a great turn out. It was at the First Christian on Oak and Mayweather. Fantastic congregation. My lovely wife Tess, whom I would die for and enjoy sexual intercourse with, go every week.  My point being, that I could have decided to have my “chill bro sesh” at the Marriot downtown or maybe the Crowne Royal. However! I took my business to the small, pay by the hour Foxlight Hotel. Because I care about small business. I always have. I’ve gone to the same barber my whole life. I buy my meat from the butcher shop on Main Street.  I buy my coffee from my good friend Carl Neimans, who owns the Daily Grind on third.

So if we can take anything out of this, it’s three things.  I am God fearing. A lover and supporter of local small businesses. And ABSOLUTELY NOT GAY.  Please let me note that I don’t think there is anything wrong with being gay. People should be allowed to partake in and enjoy the sexual orientation of their choice. But…sex with men, UGH! Gross. Just the thought…who would want a sweaty man body pressing against them as he thrusts into you continuously. Losing yourself in his strong embrace and his soft, dark eyes………UGH. I shutter….shutter to think of it.

Ah. Um, well…now if you’ll excuse me. Lee and I are going to go have a broing at the Splashin’ Safari theme park a few towns over.

Once again! Not gay! Thank you and God bless you all!!

…does anyone have a camera we could borrow? Digital preferably with video capabilities…I’ll return it tomorrow. No? Nope? I’ll buy one on the way then. Thanks!!


About Kyle McVey

I like stuff and feel ways about things.

Posted on August 24, 2011, in Character, Kyle McVey, LOLJK, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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