Monthly Archives: February 2012

Obviously There’ll Be a Transformers 4

by Michael Bay

I really did try to walk away. I wanted to make some dark comedies, maybe do some more personal movies like George Lucas. I truly, truly, wanted to grow as an artist and a person and let people know that there was more to the bronzed god known in some circles as Mickey Blizow Blizay.

Unfortunately, it seemed to have the opposite effect. It turns out that instead of finally sating all of you explosion slut hounds with my magnum goddamn fucking opus, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, I’ve only made you harder. I’ve created a vacuum in your lives that’s only been filled with deep longing; your turgid curiosity beginning to swell to painful levels.

Rest assured; I will give you release. Gentlemen, we’re going to paint the goddamn ceiling of your bedroom, your car, and 4,500 screens across the country the color “man white.” I’d go so far as to suggest that maybe you wear galoshes and tuck your pants into your fucking boots because the floor of those theaters are going to be soaked once I get done with the ladies. They’re going to have to burn the seats after every showing to keep from attracting roving packs of feral cats. Nine months after Transformers 4: Adjective Noun Verb there’s going to be a shitload of kids born that look an awful lot like yours truly.

The resemblance is uncanny.

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Tom Scharpling Live-Tweets Gov. Chris Christie Choking On A Scone At Starbucks

On President’s Day 2012, WFMU host Tom Scharpling tweeted a long recap of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie choking on scones, ordering a large amount of drinks, dissing The Decemberists, and calling his assistant repeatedly from the bathroom. None of this is news, and none of this is likely to hurt Christie in his eventual re-election bid. There are likely not many Decemberists fans in Jersey.

If this story was a courtroom, Comedian/Radio Host/Sulk Tom Scharpling’s tweets would probably not be allowed in as evidence. Who is to prove this man’s digital words ring true? He is a hostile witness to be sure. But let’s give the man a benefit of a doubt. Or at least check the receipts of the Starbucks he was at; if there are several “green drinks without whipped cream” charged, then the case is closed.

Regardless of your feelings on Gov. Christie, savor this slice of life of a public official. On a day we recognize our founding fathers for fighting the British or something, one of our public servants came down from his ivory tower and dined with us. To have a record of the occasion is cause alone for celebration.

After the jump, the entire story organized for your enjoyment. It contains gems like this:

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The Watchmen Thing

I am a comic book fan.

I’ve been reading since I was six. I still have that issue of Uncanny X-Men with Wolverine and Gambit on the cover that started this whole mess.

I have many, many, many opinions on the whole Watchmen debacle.

I don’t think they should do it.

All right, so maybe just the one opinion.

I’m going to attempt to elucidate this opinion for you here without swearing non-stop or turning into an entitled fan.

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PG-13 Expendables Due to Language? Suck My D-ck.

Did you guys hear about how the Expendables 2 is going to be PG-13?

Did you hear about how it’s because Chuck Norris got his conservative panties in a bunch over the language?

This is genius. Whoever did this is so, so awesome.

Mr. Norris, on behalf of everyone, ever: Suck Our Dicks.

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Things to Do in 2012 (For Me, But I Guess You Too)

Can’t Stop This Karate ‘Cuz This Karate Don’t Stop.

Image

And we’re back.

Some of you may have noticed that my output decreased sharply from a bunch to zero, and I apologize for that. Every electronic device that I owned decided to shit their own beds within a week of each other and thus I was unable to produce at a level of quality that I wanted.

My fart jokes and erotica must never, ever, be cheapened.

One of the many unfortunate side effects of my extended break was all that brainspace and all those wonderful neurons used to come up with creative swears for Michael Bay and to talk shit about people much more talented and richer than I got moved to other projects. Such as finding pornography when one does not have a computer.

Mercifully, I can now get back to it with a shiny new laptop, as pleasuring myself while trying to hold a smartphone in position is not a skill set I’d like to add to my wheelhouse. Oh, and writing. I can get back to writing. But mainly the pornography.

What I’m trying to get at is: the road back to what passes for my normal is going to be slow going and today we’ll be starting with a big ol’ cop-out entry.

Hooray. Read the rest of this entry