PG-13 Expendables Due to Language? Suck My D-ck.

Did you guys hear about how the Expendables 2 is going to be PG-13?

Did you hear about how it’s because Chuck Norris got his conservative panties in a bunch over the language?

This is genius. Whoever did this is so, so awesome.

Mr. Norris, on behalf of everyone, ever: Suck Our Dicks.

If you’re not into reading (I would ask: why are you here), here’s the gist:

Chuck Norris was worried that with an R-rating his legion of fans would be unable to see his newest movie. You’re thinking to yourself, “self, in what possible scenario would my grandparents, whose favorite show is ‘Walker: Texas Ranger,’ be unable to acquire tickets to an R-rated movie?”

You magnificent bastard.

That’s an excellent question you’ve just queried to you. You see, Chuck Norris has a poor understanding of the internet, Conan O’Brien’s sense of humor, sarcasm, or irony. Mr. Norris labors under the misconception that his popularity with kids these days is genuine. He believes that all the stupid-ass Chuck Norris jokes come from an honest place of adoration and not because he’s a quick and easy punchline; he fought Soviet commandos whose fool-proof plan to overthrow the decadent West was to take over a mall and then results, or because he was buried alive and drove his truck out of the grave.

Mr. Norris, none of the 13-year-olds in the world could give two shits about your being in this movie. I seriously doubt if any of my peers are so genuinely excited by your inclusion that the movie only just now became must-see. Chances are everyone who was going to see it would already see it, and your casting is, at best, a pleasant extra.

You aren’t steak; you aren’t potatoes; you’re the soup.

We’re not sitting in the dark staring at a 40 foot screen to watch you kill, rather than hunt. I’m not paying 13 dollars to watch ghosts tell Chuck Norris stories.  I’m not organizing a steak and movie night to watch you count to infinity twice.

How is he the only one with any ammo at the end of the movie?

I’m going because Terry Crews had an automatic shotgun and used it to turn a hallway full of men into a steroid-flavored slurry. We’re going because Jet Li and Jason Statham broke someone’s neck with kicks. I’m handing over my money because throwing a tank shell and shooting it with a handgun was Plan A in Operation: Bring Down a Helicopter.

Which brings me to the next reason this announcement is so goddamn stupid: this movie is a throwback to the 1980’s and that has very little to do with the actual casting. The films being cast with men whose heyday was the 1980’s is incidental.

The truest link to the 1980’s is in the movie’s glorious reveling in sweet, sweet excess. Everyone rides the raddest motorcycle to ever be customized.  The aforementioned shotgun gets loaded with explosive rounds and violently disassembles guard towers at the molecular level. Jason Statham goes absolutely HAM on the broiest bunch of dudes to ever douche up a basketball court. There is an actual discussion on the merit of throwing knives versus guns. A fist fight does not pause because one of the combatants is on fire. Neither man is surprised by this turn of events. It is simply another part of the rich tapestry that is the Expendables universe.

Stallone vows that the violence, specifically the “ass-bashing,” will remain undisturbed.

This movie touches on many emotions which we want to share with the broadest audience possible, BUT, fear not, this Barbeque of Grand scale Ass Bashing will not leave anyone hungry…Sly

There is no way the violence of the first Expendables would get a PG-13 rating even with the language toned down or taken out. Which means the real reason people are going to see the movie, the violence, will also get nerfed.

The first movie is an Affliction shirt for the eyes. It is Ed Hardy distilled, made viral, and weaponized to imprint an eagle holding a dagger fighting a plesiosaur set against the back drop of the Virgin of Guadalupe surround by a fire made of skulls with a banner under it reading “Love Can Never Die, Only Kill” on all of our cerebral cortices and occipital lobes.

I don't understand how people still buy this stuff. They know they're shorthand for "idiot," right?

I don’t know about any of you, but the movie I saw had men get stabbed in the neck, like a whole bunch. One guy was killed when a straight razor was thrown like a boomerang by a giant man named Hale Caesar. One poor bastard was shot in the leg and when he fell was shot in the face before he hit the ground. I’m pretty sure the last thing Eric Roberts saw was either the muzzle flash from Stallone’s gun or the knife longer than a man’s forearm sticking out of his chest  because the gun didn’t provide enough kill. Which, now that I think about it, means the knife versus gun argument ends in a tie.

I'm getting one with "Karate Master" on the blade.

The tough guy posturing bordering on verbal hate-fucking is part of that excess because that is the only way true dudes bond. The obscene violence is part of that excess. The scene where Stallone rescues Sandra post-waterboarding but pre-sexual assault is graphic enough for the ‘R’ on its own.

Which takes us to my next point: the hypocrisy.

The decision for PG-13 is first and foremost a business decision. I understand that. The more people who can see the movie is more money in everyone’s pocket. However, when the publicity machine lurches to life to sell this movie to the public, being a PG-13 movie all of a sudden is going to come up, and it will be defended by claiming that everyone is acting in concert to protect the children and impressionable teens.

Here’s the problem Chuck you’re protecting us from bullshit. Literally. They’re just words. Any word used with an invective tone and the proper context can be a bad word. At no point in any of the official statements will anyone be worried about the gore that these precious 13-year-olds will be made to witness.

America is a mixed up country. On television we can show quite a bit of violence  on television. We can describe, in detail, what happened to a corpse on an police procedural. I watched several men get shot, two in the head on basic cable just last night.

But we can’t show sex. We can show far more sexual violence before the camera cuts away or the show goes to commercial than we can of two people making love.  We can see a couple after sex so long as they are glib about sex, or have playful banter, but that’s it. We can discuss sex as a joke or a weapon and only mention genitalia in a jocular tone. If there’s a serious discussion about sex, what it means, i.e, consequences in regards to a relationship it is made to be uncomfortable or outright dismissed usually as a joke leading us full circle. One character is “too pushy,” or “baby crazy,” or “clingy.” I can watch someone get shot multiple times, even spit blood out of their mouth, but they can’t say “shit” before ten pm and never, ever say “fuck.”

I’m going to do my best to not turn this into a political tirade, but there is a sizable segment of America that apparently loves Jesus. Just not any of the stuff he actually said or stood for like turning the other cheek, being empathetic, or doing unto others as they’d have them do unto them.

In the interest of fairness, the other party is full of a bunch of ineffectual pussies who can't see past their own terms and rally behind the best leader they've had in a decade.

No, they equate Jesus with the Old Testament where God wiped out entire cities for sinning and laid down truly awesome and sensical rules like “men should not lie with other men,” or “do not wear fabrics made of linen and wool together,” or “don’t eat shellfish or pork.” They hate the part where Jesus forgave his enemies but the section where God enacted the ban and had his people wipe out their enemies to the last living creature is pretty awesome.

Words and ideas are bad, violence is good.

I’m not one to point fingers, but at one point England did load all their buzzkill Puritans onto boats and ship them far the fuck away so the Empire could continue advancing in science and the arts. Here there was no entrenched opposition and if there was, the Puritans could just move a few miles away and start another colony.

"Get on the boat! Get on the boat so we can get back to our orgy!"

I’m not one to make wild accusations but the descendants of these people may or may not have co-opted a political party that is xenophobic, functionally illiterate in every meaningful way, and so ignorant on social issues that they may as well be from the Dark Ages. Chuck Norris may or may not be an avowed member of this hypothetical, hypocritical party.

I bring this up because when Norris is asked about this issue, it’s going to be pitched as a moral issue with the subtext “due to politics.” The same politics that think we should make laws that directly affect and control what women do with their bodies but outlaw health care for all. The same politics that think gay marriage, bad language, and marijuana are a direct threat to life itself, but everyone should have a firearm. The same politics that think the middle class is unimportant, but corporations are people.

The youth of America saying “fuck” and “son of a bitch” is a far graver threat than watching people die? I’m a firm believer that kids are smart enough to realize that things on TV and in movies are fake. Any mention of violent videogames or movies in a troubled teen’s journal or “manifesto” is cultural touchstone or a quick point of reference. No one actually believes they are a space marine on Mars holding back an incursion from Hell, nor does anyone think they’re actually Niko Bellic, gangster extraordinaire and untouchable by the law.

Chances are if they can figure out that they shouldn’t kill someone, they can probably figure when and where not to use “fuck.”

So why this move in the first place? The theater is not a babysitter. Even if it was then it’d be up to the parents to regulate a kid or teen’s intake, not the ticket-taker, not the theater manager, not the film editor, producers, and certainly not Chuck fucking Norris.


PS – The only man they, or any of us should listen to about anything is Dolph Lundgren, because he can do anything.


Posted on February 10, 2012, in History Lessons, Matt Loman, Movies, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Welcome back Matt.

  2. Actually you can speak for yourself champ because I would never say that to Chuck Norris. What an idiot. You are obviously a terrible critic due to the fact that you want to go see an action movie to watch guys drop a bunch of f bombs. Chuck Norris didn’t ask Sly to rewrite the entire script he just wanted him to cut the bad language out because Chuck is a man of morals. He has made lots of great action movies in his time right up there with Sly, Van Damme, and Arnie but he never needed to swear to be great on camera. Movies honestly don’t need foul language to be good. Oh congrats by the way you had to make sure you swore in the article so you can degrade yourself to look cool… something Chuck Norris would never do. It seems to me like you just wanted to take up a page and Whine about crap that doesn’t even matter. Norris is great and we want him in the movie. If the movie was bound to fail without some jerk off saying f this f that every 5 minutes Sly would have ran with that but he chose not to. I guess you should rip on Jet Li as well since he is another karate guy that never swears in his roles.

    • My dearest critic of the critic… Several points. 1. He is speaking for himself. In no way, shape, or form are you required to hold his beliefs. B. The critique is not complaining simply about the fact that there is not going to be swearing. It is a commentary on the hypocrisy of the idea that it is fine for 3,000 to be bludgeoned, sliced, shot, blown up, and killed in numerous other ways, but swear words are a no no. Seems a bit off kilter to me. If he is concerned about the R rating: don’t do the movie. That would be like someone agreeing to be in Boodock Saints 3: the Mickening, but only if there is no profanity. And there is no need to rip Jet Li. He never complained about the swearing. Also, to keep with Matt’s theme here… fuck. Shit. Ass. Good read, Matt.

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