Category Archives: Lists

Disney Buying LucasFilm Might Be a Good Thing

Possibly the best thing.

I think the initial reaction was a whole lot of “WTF” because it came out of nowhere. My job enables me to spend a lot of time dicking around on the internet, A LOT OF TIME, but I hadn’t heard any rumblings or rumors or anything until the press release was, uh, released.

After the dust settled and we realized it wasn’t an Onion article, my Twitter feed was filled with a lot of cynicism and worry about the acquisition and what that could mean for many people’s favorite franchise.

I must ask; will it be worse than what Lucas himself has been doing with it? The constant adjustments to the movies? The deciding what is and isn’t canon at whim? The Kinect dancing game?

Jar-Jar goddamn Binks?

We’ve seen the bottom, children.

As in all things, there is a lot of stuff that can go wrong, however; if we all take a step back and look at this with clear eyes and our hearts free of the knee-jerk Nerd Rage that so easily can envelope us, that maybe, just maybe, we’ll realize Disney’s acquisition of LucasFilm is a good thing.

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Michael Bay’s Guide to the Summer Movie Season

Holy shit, where did May go? I did not write nearly as much as I had planned for ACTION MOVIE MAY.

Well, fuck it, we’re getting at least one more Bay up this piece.

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It’s no secret that I am the undisputed King of Summer. Every other year like a ripped out, sun-kissed, charmingly stubbled Santa Claus, I come down the chimney of Spring to drop my precious, precious payload of  adrenarone (when adrenaline knocks up testosterone) onto your eyes, into your brain, and then to your chest where it replaces your heart.

The only other person who makes as much money in the summer is Will Smith, and he works for me anyway. Shit, he’s sat out the last four years, probably because he was waiting for me to hit him back up after his movie about giving people his livers got no one off. It seems like only yesterday when we made a movie where the Miami PD invaded a sovereign nation, blew it up, and drove an H3 through a shanty town as the most personal “fuck you” on the entire planet.

Goddamn it, I miss that guy.

"Don't hate the player; hate the game." 'HATE THE TAILOR.'

When I’m not busy changing the entire game with blockbuster after blockbuster, I usually go to Thailand and hunt people, but Thailand’s slowly getting it’s shit together so I’m going to wait and see which way the wind blows in the next couple of years down that way.

For now, I’m going to start hiring myself out to productions so those summers I don’t have something out my presence will still be felt, and the unwashed masses will have something to do besides soil themselves in and around Wal-Marts.

Like drugs, sex, and cases of .50 cal., the first one’s free, so I’m going to break down all the important releases this summer to give the studios a taste of what I can do with no rules and 15 minutes to kill. Read the rest of this entry

2nd Chance Theater: ACTION MOVIE MAY Edition

Sometimes movies fall through the cracks. Bad press, confusing trailers, not enough money for a super-wide release, behind the scenes politicking at studios, money not coming through, etc, there are a myriad of reasons for movies to not get the eyes on them that they so richly deserve.

That’s where Nonstop Karate comes in: we give movies that deserve a wider audience for whatever reason: they’re actually good; it’s so bad it must be seen to be believed; a great actor’s early work; here there be ‘splosions, etc.
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And we’re back. I’d like to thank Nicholas G. Allen for filling in for me last week. As much as I love ACTION MOVIE MAY and as hard as it may be to believe, writing from the POV of Michael Bay and short stories about me take a lot of work, and I have…you see…I, uh…

Sorry. I just realized that the two most-read works of mine are Michael Bay fan fiction and Matt Loman fan fiction.

Wow. Give me a second.

Go Colts!

Okay, I’m good.
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Rogue’s Gallery: Top 10 Villains From Film and Literature

I guess there isn’t a whole lot of shame in making a list and calling it writing.  It isn’t like I graduated with a degree in English or am in any way qualified or obligated to edify or entertain anyone.  In fact, I think it’s high time I pointed out the fact that our readers come to Non-stop Karate with quite a lot of baggage.  They come here looking for a little insight or cleverness, or even just the odd tit or giggle.  But really, having expectations of quality of any kind is really just going to disappoint all parties involved. Read the rest of this entry

My NFL Lockout Contingency

Ladies. Gentlemen.

I know for a lot of you, a summer of exciting sports has just begun.  The NBA and NHL playoffs have finally kicked off. And the decades long baseball season is in full swing. Personally, I have little investment in any of these this year. The Pacers are in the playoffs, but unless there is a miracle our lack of a D-Rose-like super star is going to doom us to a first round knock out.  And I never grew up near an NHL hockey team, so despite my enjoyment of the sport I have been a man without a home team (even thought I live by two now). As for baseball, God damn it is boring.  If I’m shit-faced, eating my way around a stadium that’s one thing.  But most sports are watched in the privacy of one’s home or with a group in a bar. Professional sports are supposed to be an electrifying affair, but there is NOTHING that makes me want to pass out in my fishbowl full of blue booze more than baseball on television.  So if you can sustain your sport lust with it, more power to you.

OK. I am a little pissed I missed this game.

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Losing the Pop Culture War

Goddamn right.

There’s talk of America’s decline as the last great superpower. People think we may have lost a step from the ascendant society that came out of WWII as an economic powerhouse due to a huge industrial base, agricultural zones, and means of moving products quickly to where they need to go as America was entirely (excepting Hawaii) untouched by the ravages of war that shattered Europe and Asia.

Perhaps we came out of the Cold War damaged: psychologically impaired and paranoid. We had to know everything and run everything for fear of annihilation. It’s possible that all that time spent keeping an eye on the spread of Communism and acting as ideological police spread us too thin and forced too many compromises, leading us away from the infinite promise of our vision for a free and open meritocracy guided by laws passed by moral men. Read the rest of this entry

Non-Lethal Ways to Stop Criminals

I think my little sister should have five. And an actual gun.

Last week, at work, I overheard a conversation about a young man who got tased because he did something the police didn’t like. Apparently, if you drive drunk, run into something on the sidewalk, and then run when those busybody cops show up, they will take offense and punish you for said youthful transgression.

Here comes the pain.

This young man was tased because you can’t shoot him. He’s not worth shooting. You don’t waste bullets on a guy who took out a trashcan and a bin that holds X-rated newspapers. You shoot killers, werewolves, zombies, and people who talk on their phone at the movies.

Tasers. Pfffft.

That is science. Read the rest of this entry