Category Archives: LOLJK

Senator Claims He isn’t Gay; Supports Small Business

State Senator Paul Habig

(transcribed from a press conference earlier today)

Ladies and gentlemen of the press.

Fellow representatives.

My loyal constituents.

I’m sure by now, you’ve all heard the rumors that have been circulating the news stations about some of my recent activities.  Some are saying that I may have paid a young, hairless man to spend an evening with me at a small hotel just outside of our state capital.  Some are saying that the nature of our rendezvous was sexual in nature.  Some have even had the audacity to imply that I may be a homosexual.  I’ve come here today, to set the record straight.  My policy has always been one of transparency and honesty when it came to the actions I take both inside and outside of my office.  And I think that now more than ever, it’s important that I be upfront with the people who voted me into this position.  Because, ultimately, they’re the only people who I must answer to.

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This is Your Childhood: “Space Jam”

A few days ago I caught one of my favorite movies from my childhood on of all places, the NBA TV Network (that exists).  It was, of course, the mid-90’s Michael Jordan/Looney Tunes collaboration entitled “Space Jam.”  Do you remember “Space Jam?” If you grew up in the 90’s there’s a damn good chance you do. And that you loved it unconditionally.  Why? In case the trailer above didn’t make it clear, it combined everything that you loved as a child into one package:

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Kyle and the Deathly Deadly Hallows

Is it weird this is how I imagine the Grim Reaper?

Death is not something I give a lot of serious thought to.  I’d imagine a lot of  us don’t until those dire times in our lives when the Grim Reaper rears his ugly head and comes at us on a personal level.  Sadly, I had a instance like this just this last week with the passing of my grandmother(from here on lovingly referred to as “Nan-naw”). She was 84 years old, an age I can’t even begin to imagine being  alive at and hope I get the opportunity to enjoy. She was a wonderful woman, and responsible for a lot of what makes my younger brother and I who we are. She endured and loved us even though we were not the most…reserved children. But she always had us pegged pretty well. Telling people we weren’t mean kids, just ornery. Which I think is still an accurate description of us today.  She was also a lot of fun. AND funny. Mostly because she had to be. She was the matriarch of a family jam packed with smart asses where if you aren’t being made fun of, you aren’t loved. Ultimately, she’s one of those rare people in your life that you’ll miss forever. And I truly will.

But let’s get back to the broader subject at hand: Death. Read the rest of this entry

Your Comic Con Primer

 

As a self proclaimed nerd (obviously since I’m writing for NK) I am making the trip down to San Diego for Comic Con this year.  This is the fourth year I will be going, so I believe that makes me a bit of a Comic Con veteran.  If you don’t know what Comic Con is, I’m not going to take the time to explain it. And you should probably just go on living your life as a well adjusted human being, because I assure you that you’re better off.  But for those of you that care, let me share some of my wisdom from years past and give those of you who won’t be going a little insight into how awesome/horrifying Comic Con can be.

Just to start, Comic Con has changed significantly since it began in 1970.  But the most radical change has come in the last decade or so when the internet began to be so ingrained into our daily lives.  Now everything: movies, TV, video games, comics, EVERYTHING thrives on the buzz created on the web and the word of mouth of nerds.  And for a lot of these, it all starts with their appearance at Comic Con. Basically, Comic Con has become significantly less about the comics themselves and more about everything else that nerd culture loves.  For example, there was a large Guild panel before the Community panel last year. The Guild. The Guild is…awful. Just. Really terrible.  My point is, a sub par web series that had no business being there in the first place, held a panel in a HUGE ballroom. Guys, Felicia Day is super hot. But. Fuck off. What’s wrong with us? Read the rest of this entry

FUNemployment

Oh hey everyone.

Aw. That's kinda nice.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this or not, but for the last month I have been on what we in the “industry” like to call “hiatus.” Which is a nice way of saying I’m currently unemployed. The nice thing about working in TV is that there is a built in two month period in the summer where productions shut down to give everyone a break. The bad thing about working in TV is that there is a built in two month period where I don’t get paid.  Now, I understand that there are many, many people in this country that have been unemployed for many months or years.  Which is a God damn shame. But this isn’t going to be a political post about the state of our economy or anything.  I just wanted to acknowledge there are thousands of people in this country who have it harder than me before I start talking about how bored I am.  That’s the thing though, if you haven’t been unemployed in your lifetime that’s awesome! But I’ll have you know that you learn a lot about yourself when you are obligated to do literally nothing.  And that’s what I’d like to share with you today. What I’ve learned about myself in the last month or so:

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You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry

Which lately seems like it’s all the time.

Have you ever woken up and thought “When did I become such an insufferable cunt?” If you followed my twitter account, you’d know that I had this very realization yesterday morning.  How did I come to this conclusion? Well. I’m not proud of it, but I yelled at this adorable cat.

Just. Not fair.

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KURT RUSSELL: An Action Movie May Deity

Believe it or not, this is a man in the twilight of his action career.

I’m suffering a bit of writer’s block today on another project, so I’m gonna try to break through it with a simple post for Action Movie May.  I didn’t ask Matt for permission to, BECAUSE I DO AS I WISH!!  Besides, I feel kinda lame that I haven’t thrown in my two cents on Action Movie May, besides the occasional twitter zings about it.  Also, it’s my last chance seeing as my LOLJK counterpart, Mr. Joey Reinisch will once again begin alternating posts with me starting next week.  Yes, yes, I know you’ll all miss your weekly dose of my impeccable whit, creative cursing, and dick jokes. But just think about how much better my posts will be with an extra week to work on them!! (I will still write them the day before or of.)

Now. I jumped the gun about a month or so ago and wrote a post about our lack of modern day action stars. It was a piece I really enjoyed writing and that oddly enough lead to me discussing the subject with a number of industry professionals who were at one time involved with those films or share the same passion for the genre.  It was refreshing and very surreal to have discussions I’ve had while blindingly drunk with my friends on countless evenings, with people who actually do this as their livelihood.   Here’s the thing though, no matter who I was speaking to we all agreed on one thing: Kurt Russell.  Now, that article focused a lot on the big action Joel Silver movies of the past and primarily on who I would call the “Heavy Weight” action stars of the time. Stallone. Arnold. But what we’re really missing now and the characters I’ve always REALLY enjoyed were the “Middle Weight” action stars. Bruce Willis. Mel Gibson (pre-Nazi bullshit). Patrick Swayze. And the shining star of them all, Kurt Russel.  They played guys that could have been the average American man.  They weren’t 250 lbs of muscle. They’re weren’t walking, human tanks. They were scrappy. They had ingenuity.  And they always had a one-liner ready to toss out there before they broke a skull.  Which in my book, is the most important aspect of an action hero. Quotability.

If Shane Black is the God of Action Movie May (and I assure you, he is). Kurt Russell is most certainly one of it’s greatest messengers.

Let’s get into it.  Kurt Russell has inhabited some of the greatest action heroes of all time.  And I think for a majority of the public, he sometimes goes overlooked when the title of “Action Star” is thrown around.  This is a travesty.  So let’s begin with probably his most well known character. And then end with my personal favorite of all time.

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