Category Archives: Uncategorized

Better Dredd Than Dead

Holy hell, how long’s it been since I posted something on here? Like, eight years? Man, that is a lot of years.

What follows is a review of Dredd 3D.

It’s a long one, because I am a terrible, terrible, terrible editor.

They even do “I am the Law,” in a way that doesn’t suck or seem cheesy.

TL;DR Rating – I loved it.
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Forgot About Bay

By Michael Bay

What the fuck is this fucking shit? Avengers crushes the record for opening weekend gross? They took the record that I earned with my blood, sweat, and cinematic seminal fluids from me?

You come at me, Michael Bliz-ow Bli-zay, the one summer I take off to gather my strength to make a comedy and prep for Transformers 4: a World without Shia, and you think I wouldn’t notice?

You think you’re the fucking king of summer, Avengers? You think Bliggity Bay get soft?

Now you want to run around, talking about breakdancing robots tearing each other arms off, like I ain’t got none? You think I sold them all, just because I’m well off?

Think you can talk that shit like it won’t get back to me? Like I’m not everywhere?

Motherfuckers think you can forget about Bay?

War, it is.
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Action Movie May Summer Preview

Today marks the beginning of my people’s most sacred month, ACTION MOVIE MAY.

As we begin our journey into the hottest, most action packed months of the year, this summer seems especially jam-packed with testosterone injected mayhem, I’m going to walk you through the explosions and car chases to get to the very best in visceral entertainment.

The Avengers

Kiss, or fight, or get the fuck off the stage!

Here it is, ready to help kick off the summer movie season, the Impossible Thing. The Movie That Should Not Exist. Forget Lord of the Rings. Forget Watchmen. Forget Dune. Forget every movie that was or is “impossible” to film, this is the one movie that should not have been able to be put together. Read the rest of this entry

The Mass Effect Thing pt2: Entitlement and What is Art?

Sorry for this taking so long. The original draft clocked in at 4,000 words and was all over the place. It to0k me a while to figure out what to chop out and force everything into a dubious coherence.

Last post I talked about how I think the ending was a subconscious desire by Bioware to be seen as more than just a silly sci-fi game and try to speak to a broader, more humanizing theme.

What follows is going to be spoiler-free, and largely Mass Effect 3 free in terms of specifics in characters, gameplay, plot, etc. It’s more of a launching pad for the point I’m trying to make.
 Please join me after the jump where I try to make an argument for videogames being not only art, but a whole new form of it.

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The Mass Effect 3 Thing pt 1: The Ending

What follows is less about the actual nuts and bolts of the ending regarding any sort of closure inside the Mass Effect Universe, or of the supposed insidious business practices of EA , but more about why the ending was used.

I'm coming back, Earth. And I'm bringing all the murder with me.

I will do my best to keep it spoiler-lite for Shepards still fighting the good fight, and less intensive for those of you who don’t care about Mass Effect, but I can make no promises.

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Obviously There’ll Be a Transformers 4

by Michael Bay

I really did try to walk away. I wanted to make some dark comedies, maybe do some more personal movies like George Lucas. I truly, truly, wanted to grow as an artist and a person and let people know that there was more to the bronzed god known in some circles as Mickey Blizow Blizay.

Unfortunately, it seemed to have the opposite effect. It turns out that instead of finally sating all of you explosion slut hounds with my magnum goddamn fucking opus, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, I’ve only made you harder. I’ve created a vacuum in your lives that’s only been filled with deep longing; your turgid curiosity beginning to swell to painful levels.

Rest assured; I will give you release. Gentlemen, we’re going to paint the goddamn ceiling of your bedroom, your car, and 4,500 screens across the country the color “man white.” I’d go so far as to suggest that maybe you wear galoshes and tuck your pants into your fucking boots because the floor of those theaters are going to be soaked once I get done with the ladies. They’re going to have to burn the seats after every showing to keep from attracting roving packs of feral cats. Nine months after Transformers 4: Adjective Noun Verb there’s going to be a shitload of kids born that look an awful lot like yours truly.

The resemblance is uncanny.

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So Long Superman

So I’m not really getting along with the other Nonstop Karate contributors right now since I refused to take part in their plan to use the blog to launch their vanity albums.

Think Phil Collins, but employing elaborate metaphors comparing romantic love with what it means to be an X-man

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