Blog Archives

Better Dredd Than Dead

Holy hell, how long’s it been since I posted something on here? Like, eight years? Man, that is a lot of years.

What follows is a review of Dredd 3D.

It’s a long one, because I am a terrible, terrible, terrible editor.

They even do “I am the Law,” in a way that doesn’t suck or seem cheesy.

TL;DR Rating – I loved it.
Read the rest of this entry

Michael Bay’s Guide to the Summer Movie Season

Holy shit, where did May go? I did not write nearly as much as I had planned for ACTION MOVIE MAY.

Well, fuck it, we’re getting at least one more Bay up this piece.

*-*-*

It’s no secret that I am the undisputed King of Summer. Every other year like a ripped out, sun-kissed, charmingly stubbled Santa Claus, I come down the chimney of Spring to drop my precious, precious payload of  adrenarone (when adrenaline knocks up testosterone) onto your eyes, into your brain, and then to your chest where it replaces your heart.

The only other person who makes as much money in the summer is Will Smith, and he works for me anyway. Shit, he’s sat out the last four years, probably because he was waiting for me to hit him back up after his movie about giving people his livers got no one off. It seems like only yesterday when we made a movie where the Miami PD invaded a sovereign nation, blew it up, and drove an H3 through a shanty town as the most personal “fuck you” on the entire planet.

Goddamn it, I miss that guy.

"Don't hate the player; hate the game." 'HATE THE TAILOR.'

When I’m not busy changing the entire game with blockbuster after blockbuster, I usually go to Thailand and hunt people, but Thailand’s slowly getting it’s shit together so I’m going to wait and see which way the wind blows in the next couple of years down that way.

For now, I’m going to start hiring myself out to productions so those summers I don’t have something out my presence will still be felt, and the unwashed masses will have something to do besides soil themselves in and around Wal-Marts.

Like drugs, sex, and cases of .50 cal., the first one’s free, so I’m going to break down all the important releases this summer to give the studios a taste of what I can do with no rules and 15 minutes to kill. Read the rest of this entry

2nd Chance Theater: ACTION MOVIE MAY Edition

Sometimes movies fall through the cracks. Bad press, confusing trailers, not enough money for a super-wide release, behind the scenes politicking at studios, money not coming through, etc, there are a myriad of reasons for movies to not get the eyes on them that they so richly deserve.

That’s where Nonstop Karate comes in: we give movies that deserve a wider audience for whatever reason: they’re actually good; it’s so bad it must be seen to be believed; a great actor’s early work; here there be ‘splosions, etc.
*-*-*

And we’re back. I’d like to thank Nicholas G. Allen for filling in for me last week. As much as I love ACTION MOVIE MAY and as hard as it may be to believe, writing from the POV of Michael Bay and short stories about me take a lot of work, and I have…you see…I, uh…

Sorry. I just realized that the two most-read works of mine are Michael Bay fan fiction and Matt Loman fan fiction.

Wow. Give me a second.

Go Colts!

Okay, I’m good.
Read the rest of this entry

Losing the Pop Culture War

Goddamn right.

There’s talk of America’s decline as the last great superpower. People think we may have lost a step from the ascendant society that came out of WWII as an economic powerhouse due to a huge industrial base, agricultural zones, and means of moving products quickly to where they need to go as America was entirely (excepting Hawaii) untouched by the ravages of war that shattered Europe and Asia.

Perhaps we came out of the Cold War damaged: psychologically impaired and paranoid. We had to know everything and run everything for fear of annihilation. It’s possible that all that time spent keeping an eye on the spread of Communism and acting as ideological police spread us too thin and forced too many compromises, leading us away from the infinite promise of our vision for a free and open meritocracy guided by laws passed by moral men. Read the rest of this entry

Action Heroes Made a Generation of Men

This entry might borderline on Loman territory and far away from the humor of the LOLJK cannon but I need to talk about this.  I need to reason something out and I can’t imagine a better place to do it than here.  With you. You poor, unfortunate souls.

Allow me to begin with a little about myself. I work in the “industry.” In some awful, terribly uncreative capacity I am paid to help make television that people sometimes watch and even more rarely enjoy.  For the last month I have been fortunate enough to be taking up residence in the offices of Silver Pictures while I’m working on a pilot.  As an action movie junkie, this is a HUGE deal.  Why? First of all, I work in a place where they have a life size Predator as a decoration.

Millionaire Kyle would buy all of the Predators. And bronze them.

Read the rest of this entry