Blog Archives

An Outsider’s View: the Thor trailer

Which movie is harder to understand to the American citizen? Green Lantern or Thor? The Green Lantern trailer showcases a bizarre set of alien images and some story that’s going to let Ryan Reynolds mack on Blake Lively. The Thor trailer relies mostly on fans recognitions of obscure things like Natalie Portman’s earnestness. It’s time once again for An Outsider’s View.

We start off with a crotch shot of Thor in medical scrubs. This movie is going to get sexy. Be sure to tune to Nonstop Karate for all your superhero crotch shots. Read the rest of this entry

Success of “The Green Hornet” shows I know nothing about movie trends.

If there was a fantasy football game with movies instead of athletes, I’d play it (already working on it, internet). And in my drafting of movies, I would’ve picked The Green Hornet as a sure failure. I was wrong. Despite every conceivable sign, it took number one at the box office.

A few conceits; it was going against nothing new but The Dilemma, a Kevin James/Vince Vaughn comedy where the titular dilemma is whether or not to tell your best friend his wife is cheating on him with Channing Tatum. The answer is “Yes” everytime. No question. How is that even up for debate? Even if the wife threatens you with death; you go to the cops, get into the witness protection program, and watch all 20 seasons of ”Dr. Who” in your government-funded safehouse. Then you murder Channing Tatum and dump his body in a river. That’s what happens to strippers. No one ever feels bad about that. Read the rest of this entry

Comic Book Storytime: Dostoyevsky Comics

Years ago, the Council of High School English Teachers met.

Teacher Dolores: Kids don’t like anything I assign except for Catcher In The Rye. What do we do?

Teacher Eustace: Reinstate the draft.

Teacher Mildred: Impossible. Now that candy sucker Carter is in the White House.

Teacher Dolores: What kids need is something to weasel its way into their skulls and carry the seed of good literature.

Teacher Eustace: Reinstate the draft.

Teacher Mildred: That doesn’t even make sense.

Teacher Dolores: What about comic books? Young Jimmy is always reading a Bazooka Joe issue in class and I just saw that new movie Batman and Robin is a big hit.

Teacher Mildred: Not a bad idea. Wrap the bitter pill in a slice of cheese. It’s how I give my cats their medicine. Quick, too the printing press!

This is what that meeting brings forth: Dostoyevsky Comics. Read on, dear browser. Read the rest of this entry

Live Action Sailor Moon Adaption almost the death of teen vaginas.

Guys, this almost happened. During the 2008 election, many said that Sarah Palin could be “a heartbeat away” from becoming The President if McCain died in office. This live-action Sailor Moon adaption was one drunk executive’s approval stamp away from making this show happened.

It has everything wrong with childrens’ programming; glorified consumerism, dance numbers, and bad attempts at political correctness.

Let’s be clear: any form of Sailor Moon is bad. I watched it only because this was the best pornography I could find before I realized what pornography is. Read the rest of this entry

Review – Scott Pilgrim Versus The World. Somehow the movie is better than the book.

There’s a lot of things that could’ve gone wrong with Scott Pilgrim Vs The World; the story losing its flow by being condensed from six books to ninety minutes, video-game references being tossed in to the point it resembled an episode of The Guild, or Michael Cera being unable to break out of his George Michael character from Arrested Development. SPVTW jumps these challenges wonderfully and actually surpasses the original works. All Trust In The Wright.

Read the rest of this entry

The “Fairly Oddparents” movie is making brave choices

There’s so many little details leaked about the “Fairly Oddparents” movie that I can’t but help think the creative forces behind it are the bravest mofos since Marty McFly let Buford “Mad Dog” Tannen shoot him in the chest (yes, he was wearing a plate under his shirt, but Buford could’ve gone for his head). Did anyone ask for this movie to be made? Are there other Nick properties that would translate easier to a live-action adaption? Neither of those questions matter. There are much more serious obstacles in their path, most that they seem to not care a bit about. Read the rest of this entry

Comic Book Storytime: “Lady Gaga: Fame”

It is slightly appropriate that I first discovered Blue Water Comics’s line of comic books in a 7-Eleven. It didn’t strike me as anything too horrible; the publisher had previously made an issue about Hilary Clinton. “It’s just a series on famous babes”, I said to my recently purchased Coke Slushee. It wasn’t until now that I curiously browsed through the issue.

My god.

Don’t let the cover fool you; the contents inside contain such a horrendous mish-mash of ideas and confused sexual commentaries that it ONLY could fit inside a comic book about Lady Gaga. Or perhaps the insane scribblings of a closet sex predator who makes couch cushions out of vaginas.

Don’t believe me? If you enjoy metaphysical discussions between Baby Lady Gaga and a man in a schoolgirl’s body taking place in front of a giant Gaga groin, then read on.

Read the rest of this entry