(transcribed from a press conference earlier today)
Ladies and gentlemen of the press.
My loyal constituents.
I’m sure by now, you’ve all heard the rumors that have been circulating the news stations about some of my recent activities. Some are saying that I may have paid a young, hairless man to spend an evening with me at a small hotel just outside of our state capital. Some are saying that the nature of our rendezvous was sexual in nature. Some have even had the audacity to imply that I may be a homosexual. I’ve come here today, to set the record straight. My policy has always been one of transparency and honesty when it came to the actions I take both inside and outside of my office. And I think that now more than ever, it’s important that I be upfront with the people who voted me into this position. Because, ultimately, they’re the only people who I must answer to.
Osama is dead. Probably. If you believe that sort of thing.
I had trouble watching cable news for the coverage. Matt and company thought watching Ninja Warrior was more important and it was a hard argument to convince them otherwise (you watch that and tell me that isn’t America winning).
So I turned to Miley, hoping that some of her sweet music would soothe my blood lust. There I found the most heated debate since Matt and I couldn’t agree on the difference between “nerd” and geek”. Here are some of the highlights from the comment war on Miley Cyrus’ “Party In The USA”
So I’m not really getting along with the other Nonstop Karate contributors right now since I refused to take part in their plan to use the blog to launch their vanity albums.
There’s talk of America’s decline as the last great superpower. People think we may have lost a step from the ascendant society that came out of WWII as an economic powerhouse due to a huge industrial base, agricultural zones, and means of moving products quickly to where they need to go as America was entirely (excepting Hawaii) untouched by the ravages of war that shattered Europe and Asia.
Perhaps we came out of the Cold War damaged: psychologically impaired and paranoid. We had to know everything and run everything for fear of annihilation. It’s possible that all that time spent keeping an eye on the spread of Communism and acting as ideological police spread us too thin and forced too many compromises, leading us away from the infinite promise of our vision for a free and open meritocracy guided by laws passed by moral men. Read the rest of this entry
Jesus. JESUS. There is no Jesus here where this video exists, but GAH JESUS.
WHY DID HE BECKON AT THE CAMERA? Does he know I’m watching? Oh god, why is he on that rocking horse? Why is he there? What is it about his presence that kills all audio recording it? Bugs Bunny continues to ride, head forward, atop his horse of Pestilence or Famine, without ever stopping.
I just turned on the lights in my room. And I locked the door. No, I don’t think this video means me harm. I believe it’s just a weird family video that lost the audio. All I’m saying is you can’t be too careful. Better to lock your door a thousand times than have this thing looming over you one night.
I thought that was the end of it, and then I found the other videos this account had hosted. And I skyrocketed from misery all the way to elation in less than a minute. Read the rest of this entry
Apparently our headlines at Nonstop Karate are inversely proportionate to how pointless our posts are (I do not have charts to prove this. It’s just psuedo-science, y’all).
Godmas forced me to back to my first home of The Midwest, a land where dogs roam free but babies can sit out on the porch all night and get nothing more than an appreciation for the safety of their mother’s tit. If you’ve never ventured out past the coast you were born in, you might not be aware of the multitude of fast food options available. In Indiana, high school kids can visit Steak N’ Shake all night, eating string fries and drinking one cup of coffee because it’s either that or run through the local Wal-Mart. Those don’t exist in California, a state who’s closest relation would be the illustrious In-N-Out (Hey! They both use “N” in their names!). Another continental divide is Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr, owned by the same parent company and both sporting that stupid smiling star.
I ate from both in the span of hours. And sat in a cramped plane in between them. Sorry girl-next-to-me-that-I-sweated-on. Read the rest of this entry