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Arkham City’s Ending: “The More Things Change The More They Stay The Same…”

Batman: Arkham City’s major flaw was repetitive, uninspired boss fights which culminated in a final confrontation with the Joker where you punch him a lot. The conclusion, where a Titan-infused (Think Bane’s venom formula) Joker takes you on one-on-one, didn’t do justice to the rest of the game’s atmosphere and “strike from the darkness” gameplay. The sequel Arkham City seems to have taken heed to fans’ complaints. Not only do the boss fights vary, but writer Paul Dini gives a story so conclusive that it will keep the series from falling into the same repetitive, “nothing ever changes” cycle the comics that inspired it suffer from.

It’s going to get real spoilery in here. Go buy this game. Beat it. Explode into your Robin underoos. Come back and read this.

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Dear Celebs: Tomorrow, We Ride at Dawn Edition

Dear Darren Aronofsky,
What in the Screaming Blue Hell are you thinking?

You drop out of Wolverine as, perhaps, our only real hope for a decent movie starring the ol’ Canucklehead, to work on an “edgy” version of Noah’s Ark?

I understand that you’re a serious filmmaker, and that as a serious filmmaker who made Black Swan you are now in a position where you must follow up on that movie with something equally artistic and driven as that movie that also does as well commercially. You have to prove that you’re not a flash in the pan director, but that you exist in that rare Venn diagram overlap between commerce and art.

But you know who else lives that rarefied air? Read the rest of this entry

Rogue’s Gallery: Top 10 Villains From Film and Literature

I guess there isn’t a whole lot of shame in making a list and calling it writing.  It isn’t like I graduated with a degree in English or am in any way qualified or obligated to edify or entertain anyone.  In fact, I think it’s high time I pointed out the fact that our readers come to Non-stop Karate with quite a lot of baggage.  They come here looking for a little insight or cleverness, or even just the odd tit or giggle.  But really, having expectations of quality of any kind is really just going to disappoint all parties involved. Read the rest of this entry

Non-Lethal Ways to Stop Criminals

I think my little sister should have five. And an actual gun.

Last week, at work, I overheard a conversation about a young man who got tased because he did something the police didn’t like. Apparently, if you drive drunk, run into something on the sidewalk, and then run when those busybody cops show up, they will take offense and punish you for said youthful transgression.

Here comes the pain.

This young man was tased because you can’t shoot him. He’s not worth shooting. You don’t waste bullets on a guy who took out a trashcan and a bin that holds X-rated newspapers. You shoot killers, werewolves, zombies, and people who talk on their phone at the movies.

Tasers. Pfffft.

That is science. Read the rest of this entry

F–k It: a Henchman’s Two Weeks

Are you fucking serious? There is no way in hell I’m going out there. There’s a fucking Jedi out there and he’s carving bitches up. I can’t even believe it.

If they all get their ID picture taken with the helmet on, how do they tell each other apart?

He just fell from the sky from probably like a million fucking feet and he got his laser sword or whatever and just started chopping people up. It’s completely fucked down here. All these body arms and shit and half people with burnt off ends.

Sick.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a picture of Stormtroopers getting fucked up? That's what 90% of the internet should be. C'mon, geeks, we've got to get our shit together.

I’m not even supposed to fucking be here. It’s my day off, and I’m here because Charlie had to have his commitment ceremony today, and I wasn’t even invited if you can believe it.

I can’t.

Jesus fuck, did you see what he did to Mark? He cut his body into pieces and then threw the parts at everyone. That’s gross. And disrespectful.

Yup. Seems about right.

Good, go! I hope you go tell the Grand Moff. Tell Vader. Tell the Emperor, I don’t even give a shit. I’m wearing bright armor with no peripheral vision or style, and I’ve got to fight some psychic lightning ninja.

Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dun-dunh-dah-dunh-dah

Fuck this shit. I can’t deal with it. I’m going back to bar tending.
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I Need a Mentor

Guys, I’m not going to lie to you.

My twenties aren’t going great.

Not actually my space, but close enough to hurt.

I’m single with no idea how to approach women and I have zero inkling on what they want. Not just from me, but in general. They need air and water, right? And walks?

I was hoping to be able to use my degree in some form at this point and get paid for it, but I chose English as my degree because I’m fucking stupid, and I’m not getting paid to use it in LA because I’m still bad it. Or I don’t know the right people. Or Entourage is a hit and I don’t know how to function in a ruined world where that’s a thing that’s happened.

Last Saturday I spent so much time playing video games that when I got done, it was dark out and I forgot to eat. I considered that night a success.

It’s become readily apparent that I stopped developing mentally and emotionally somewhere between ages eight and a eleven.

Obviously I need a mentor. I need someone to guide me through various pitfalls of life and teach me how to avoid tragedy and capitalize on opportunity.

Here are some potential molders of Matt…
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Nonstop Debate: A Roundtable Discussion

Hello, and welcome to Nonstop Karate’s 1st round table discussion. We come up with a problem that may or may not happen, and bring in a group of experts to examine the logistics of such an undertaking and evaluate pros and cons with the individual philosophies’ approach to the issue at hand.

Today’s Topic: Terrorism.

Matt: All right, gentlemen, thank you for joining me. The topic is terrorism. I suppose the first question is, at what point should we stop trying to understand why these people are taking up arms and such extreme measures for a cause we may not wholly understand, and start treating them as combatants–
Wolverine: Stab ’em.

Thing: Clobber ’em.

Punisher: Shoot them in the face.

Deadpool: Tickle fights.

Batman: I’m Batman.
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