Blog Archives

Dear Celebs: Tomorrow, We Ride at Dawn Edition

Dear Darren Aronofsky,
What in the Screaming Blue Hell are you thinking?

You drop out of Wolverine as, perhaps, our only real hope for a decent movie starring the ol’ Canucklehead, to work on an “edgy” version of Noah’s Ark?

I understand that you’re a serious filmmaker, and that as a serious filmmaker who made Black Swan you are now in a position where you must follow up on that movie with something equally artistic and driven as that movie that also does as well commercially. You have to prove that you’re not a flash in the pan director, but that you exist in that rare Venn diagram overlap between commerce and art.

But you know who else lives that rarefied air? Read the rest of this entry


Dear Celebs: There are Doings Afoot Edition

Sometimes me shouting at rich people for being too dumb, too pretty, very famous for doing very little, or not wanting to let me sex them isn’t enough.

There’s a lot of shit that goes down in Hollywood (well, actually the Valley, unless it’s Paramount. Or in Marina Del Ray /inside baseball) and much of it needs me to shout at it.

So today will be less gossip column stuff and more behind the scenes stuff.

Though, I’m sure at some point I’ll find a way to yell at an actress or model. Apparently women are into that.


Dear George Takei,

There goes my hero/watch him as he goes/

You’re doing the Lord’s work.

Read the rest of this entry

Dear Celebs: The Heroically Super Edition

Dear Wonder Woman Marketing Team.

Which one of you geniuses thought this was a good idea?

Turns out a hot girl in tight clothing doesn't just make everything okay.

You’ve made someone who’s supposed to be a warrior, diplomat, and in the TV series, a CEO look like she bought her costume off the rack of a Halloween store that specializes in “sexy costumes” (see also: whore). Read the rest of this entry

Dear Celebs: Huzzah for the Short Week! Huzzah!

Dear Charlie Sheen,

You win.


Everything I tried to do with the Michael Bay character you tore down, burnt the wreckage, salted the earth, then ascended to the heavens like a god reclaiming his rightful place on Olympus, and sent meteors crashing into the pile of ash and salt.
Read the rest of this entry

Dear Celebs: Dear Oscars

Did you guys know the Oscars are only like days away? Maybe weeks, I’m not sure, but definitely days away. It’s almost certainly not tomorrow. Probably.

It's the gay Super Bowl.

I know this because my day job is working the front desk at a gym in West Hollywood. We sadly have few celebrity regulars (I did see Starbuck AND Helo, but not on the same day), we do get a lot of agents, producers, assistants, and the like.

Am I going to use this post as a flimsy excuse to post pictures of beautiful movie stars? You bet your ass.

Guess what? They super care about the Oscars. Which means that as a bright and smiling employee of this gym, when I’m on the clock, I care about the Oscars. Off the clock I can go home and watch Roadhouse and Tombstone to my heart’s content, but at work I have a fully cultivated opinion on every category, and which dark horse might actually win.

I don’t care, but at the same time I don’t care how many individual units come in the boxes of water I have to order every week, but I retain that knowledge because it makes life easier.

For those of you not as lucky as me to be forced into caring, here is a quick and dirty primer on the Oscars so you have something to talk about with the people you don’t like at the water cooler, or your mother-in-law who never goes to the movies, or watches anything good on TV, and yet, subscribes to every celebrity gossip magazine on Earth.

Here's a picture of a dude. You're welcome, I guess.

And here’s where they rewarded ‘Crash.’ God, ‘Crash sucked outloud.

Note: I wrote this intending to comment on a few things here and there, and at some point just decided to predict winners. I know nothing. Absolutely nothing. If I did, I’d be churning out Adam Sandler goes to Hawaii scripts, and not trying to make hard sci-fi movies complete with mythology. I, in no way, understand how Hollywood works. — Matt
Read the rest of this entry

Dear Celebs: to Infinity and Beyond

Back to the well?

Back to the well.

I don’t know why I never have anything ready. I do two or three of these every week. It’s not like I’m surprised.

Anyway, here’s more of me whining at the beautiful people.
tha beautiful peepaahl/ tha beautiful peepaaahl

Dear Natalie,

Wow. I Fuck everybody who gets to even be in the same room with her.

Baby. You know I love you. I stuck with you through good times (the Professional) and bad times (those ones that looked like Star Wars but weren’t actually Star Wars). Read the rest of this entry

In LA, some people get to be happy for a living.

There is nothing more humiliating for an aspiring writer in Los Angeles than to go to a café to work. Here at the wonderful Sabor Y Cultura (Spanish for “Culture and Hot Sex”) in Los Feliz, I listen to what looks like the guys who made Boondock Saints talk about their prison break script, another guy muses over his personal poetry on the couch, and one guy is speedwriting a novel with a Bluetooth headset never leaving his cranium.

I came here to write too; for the blog or for my Emma Watson fanfiction is still up in the air. Oh yea, she gonna get it.

Ok, it sounds like the Boondock guys are actually making a prison break series. And I think they have a Hulk in it. I am intrigued.

I am living vicariously through these two men tonight, and that’s also what’s got me churned up. It has become too easy to fall under the hypnotic spell that working for other people is as good as working for yourself. Read the rest of this entry