Blog Archives

Dear Celebs: Tomorrow, We Ride at Dawn Edition

Dear Darren Aronofsky,
What in the Screaming Blue Hell are you thinking?

You drop out of Wolverine as, perhaps, our only real hope for a decent movie starring the ol’ Canucklehead, to work on an “edgy” version of Noah’s Ark?

I understand that you’re a serious filmmaker, and that as a serious filmmaker who made Black Swan you are now in a position where you must follow up on that movie with something equally artistic and driven as that movie that also does as well commercially. You have to prove that you’re not a flash in the pan director, but that you exist in that rare Venn diagram overlap between commerce and art.

But you know who else lives that rarefied air? Read the rest of this entry

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Dear Celebs: The Heroically Super Edition

Dear Wonder Woman Marketing Team.

Which one of you geniuses thought this was a good idea?

Turns out a hot girl in tight clothing doesn't just make everything okay.

You’ve made someone who’s supposed to be a warrior, diplomat, and in the TV series, a CEO look like she bought her costume off the rack of a Halloween store that specializes in “sexy costumes” (see also: whore). Read the rest of this entry

Dear Celebs: Huzzah for the Short Week! Huzzah!

Dear Charlie Sheen,

You win.

Hold...hold...HOLD...

Everything I tried to do with the Michael Bay character you tore down, burnt the wreckage, salted the earth, then ascended to the heavens like a god reclaiming his rightful place on Olympus, and sent meteors crashing into the pile of ash and salt.
Read the rest of this entry

Dear Celebs: Dear Oscars

Did you guys know the Oscars are only like days away? Maybe weeks, I’m not sure, but definitely days away. It’s almost certainly not tomorrow. Probably.

It's the gay Super Bowl.

I know this because my day job is working the front desk at a gym in West Hollywood. We sadly have few celebrity regulars (I did see Starbuck AND Helo, but not on the same day), we do get a lot of agents, producers, assistants, and the like.

Am I going to use this post as a flimsy excuse to post pictures of beautiful movie stars? You bet your ass.

Guess what? They super care about the Oscars. Which means that as a bright and smiling employee of this gym, when I’m on the clock, I care about the Oscars. Off the clock I can go home and watch Roadhouse and Tombstone to my heart’s content, but at work I have a fully cultivated opinion on every category, and which dark horse might actually win.

I don’t care, but at the same time I don’t care how many individual units come in the boxes of water I have to order every week, but I retain that knowledge because it makes life easier.

For those of you not as lucky as me to be forced into caring, here is a quick and dirty primer on the Oscars so you have something to talk about with the people you don’t like at the water cooler, or your mother-in-law who never goes to the movies, or watches anything good on TV, and yet, subscribes to every celebrity gossip magazine on Earth.

Here's a picture of a dude. You're welcome, I guess.

And here’s where they rewarded ‘Crash.’ God, ‘Crash sucked outloud.

Note: I wrote this intending to comment on a few things here and there, and at some point just decided to predict winners. I know nothing. Absolutely nothing. If I did, I’d be churning out Adam Sandler goes to Hawaii scripts, and not trying to make hard sci-fi movies complete with mythology. I, in no way, understand how Hollywood works. — Matt
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Dear Celebs: Part Does It Really Matter at This Point

We’re going back to the well, but in my defense, it has been a while since I had to resort to this.

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Dear the Situation,

He has more money than I'll ever make. That's really depressing.

You’re making five million in the next two years? That’s not right. It’s just not. You’re going to have to give it back. People should be paid for working hard to contribute to society or displaying a talent people want to see.

You could easily be replaced by a Calvin Klein ad pasted to a planter and a dog that has not been neutered.

I know that this is largely not your fault. You were just duding it out, about to sign up for unemployment, saw a flyer for auditions to be on a MTV show, and thought you could kill an afternoon doing that. This is not wrong of you. Then it took off, and America fucking bought in, and again, not your fault. I don’t know what it is, or why it is, but your show is insanely popular largely due to America’s high consumption rate of utter garbage.

Yes, even the people who think they’re watching it ‘ironically.’ I watch Spartacus: Blood and Sand and Deadliest Warrior religiously, but I don’t try to defend it. It’s cultural junk food, and I owe up to that, however, all those shows involve people doing stuff.  Stunt men working to create fight scenes; writers are churning out dialogue; the science guys are zip tying science crap to broad swords’ the props people are filling gel torsos with fake guts and blood. Work is being done.

You are being paid 5 million dollars to do what you’d be doing even if the camera’s weren’t around. This is not a talent, and it’s not an anthropological study; the bug farmers in the jungles of New Guinea still farm bugs, there’s just video proof of it now.

Now I don’t want to ruin you, or see you broke. You seem like a genuine guy, but that guy just happens to be a meathead. So, you, me, and an accountant are going sit down, and figure out something that’s fair, because this five million shit? That dog just won’t hunt.

Yours,

Matt

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Dear Celebs: Chapter 95,000

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

You look like you're 45. And not a good 45.

Really? You just showed up? The last time you had a court date you went Roman Polanski on the Justice System and fled to France. While I haven’t been able to stand you since Mean Girls, I respected the fucking balls at the very least.

You didn’t even have a movie. You had nothing. Maybe some posters for a movie with no crew and no financing and you just went for it completely straight faced.

Read the rest of this entry

Dear Celebs Mk. VIIIXXIVIIMIV

New digs, same vitriol/jealousy. Let what must be done, be done.

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Dear City of Los Angeles,

Where Justice happens. Unless you're rich. Then do whatever.

You idiots. I don’t know how to put this, but you ignorant fucks need to start actually prosecuting celebrities when they break the law.

I know they’re famous and have money, but there are 11 million people in this city.

11,000,000.

The rich, famous, and powerful make up an infinitesimal fraction of a percentage of the total population and we desperately need you to protect us from their gross stupidity and drunken rampages.
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