Blog Archives

Music History: The Golden Age of Terrible White People Rap

Chet Haze: “Ushering in the new Golden Age of Terrible White People Rap”

We’ve come to a point in America where hip hop is probably the most popular form of music, at least for teenagers currently growing up in the states.  It has embedded itself every facet of our society and you’d be hard pressed to find a corner of the country where people don’t listen to it on a daily basis or even worse, don’t acknowledge it as a viable art form. I personally grew up in an era where rap music was still having it’s growing pains as it began to infiltrate Top 40 radio.  Gangster rappers actually murdered each other, for a week MC Hammer was the richest man on the planet, and old white people were terrified that these young black men would defile their daughters and steal their good china right in front of their very eyes.
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Senator Claims He isn’t Gay; Supports Small Business

State Senator Paul Habig

(transcribed from a press conference earlier today)

Ladies and gentlemen of the press.

Fellow representatives.

My loyal constituents.

I’m sure by now, you’ve all heard the rumors that have been circulating the news stations about some of my recent activities.  Some are saying that I may have paid a young, hairless man to spend an evening with me at a small hotel just outside of our state capital.  Some are saying that the nature of our rendezvous was sexual in nature.  Some have even had the audacity to imply that I may be a homosexual.  I’ve come here today, to set the record straight.  My policy has always been one of transparency and honesty when it came to the actions I take both inside and outside of my office.  And I think that now more than ever, it’s important that I be upfront with the people who voted me into this position.  Because, ultimately, they’re the only people who I must answer to.

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FUNemployment

Oh hey everyone.

Aw. That's kinda nice.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this or not, but for the last month I have been on what we in the “industry” like to call “hiatus.” Which is a nice way of saying I’m currently unemployed. The nice thing about working in TV is that there is a built in two month period in the summer where productions shut down to give everyone a break. The bad thing about working in TV is that there is a built in two month period where I don’t get paid.  Now, I understand that there are many, many people in this country that have been unemployed for many months or years.  Which is a God damn shame. But this isn’t going to be a political post about the state of our economy or anything.  I just wanted to acknowledge there are thousands of people in this country who have it harder than me before I start talking about how bored I am.  That’s the thing though, if you haven’t been unemployed in your lifetime that’s awesome! But I’ll have you know that you learn a lot about yourself when you are obligated to do literally nothing.  And that’s what I’d like to share with you today. What I’ve learned about myself in the last month or so:

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You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry

Which lately seems like it’s all the time.

Have you ever woken up and thought “When did I become such an insufferable cunt?” If you followed my twitter account, you’d know that I had this very realization yesterday morning.  How did I come to this conclusion? Well. I’m not proud of it, but I yelled at this adorable cat.

Just. Not fair.

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A Tale of Two (Or Three) Kyles

It may not seem like it. But here is what an absolute madman looks like.

My life is a constant struggle.
But not in the way you may expect. When I say “struggle” I’m not talking about some “Grapes of Wrath” Great Depression Dust Bowl shit.  I’m not that self obsessed, it’s FAAAAR less severe.
Honestly, I’m not complaining. I’m poor, sure. But its not too bad. The beach is free and has a million great spots to panhandle.  I don’t completely strike out with the ladies, so I don’t feel pathetic.  I surprisingly have my health, though it’s just a matter of time before I severely injure myself.

No. When I say “struggle” I’m talking about the ever present internal struggle against one’s self.   It’s something we all have issue with.  The constant pushing and pulling of right and wrong. Our baser urges versus our higher functions.  Of the need to not go in to work hungover on a Tuesday versus having that one shot that you KNOW will put you over the edge.  For me though, these psyches manifest themselves in various ways.  For example, drunk and high Kyle both leave future sober Kyle messages in his phone.  And I’ll tell you something, High Kyle does not think much of Sober Kyle.  Which I think is ironic, because he doesn’t do anything but find new ways to stack cookies together while watching the same movies over and over again. He’s not doing anything all that great (though seriously, he’s on the forefront of cookie sandwich construction).   Drunk Kyle on the other hand, is far more encouraging.  He’s almost a loving father figure, despite the fact that he’s the version of myself that gets Future Kyle in the most trouble. But sometimes, a perfect storm brews and these two become one. So. Allow me to get all “A Christmas Carol” on your ass by revealing the inner monologue of the three Kyle’s: Past, Present, and Future.

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Dear Babies

FACT: When you type "Hot Babies" into Google, most of the pics are Jessica Alba.

As a single man living in LA (laaaaadiessssss), I have a lot of time to think about a variety of things.  The state of our current political climate, my career and the direction its slowly taking, how awesome Jeff “The Sandwich” Saturday is, but inevitably my mind always wanders back to the most pressing of topics…babies.  They are a source of constant intrigue,  headaches, and beauty for all men. Now please understand, when I use the term “babies” I am not referring to the crying, piss and shit themselves type of babies.  I’m talking about women.  All women are babies in my book. For me and those in my circle, it’s a term of endearment. In fact, some even go beyond the standard definition of baby and become “supbabies.” But the dichotomy of my extremely idiotic, slightly sexist terms for women are for another entry down the line. Today, I just want to talk at you, babies. For the sake of humor and the good of all mankind, all I ask is that you kindly bend an ear and listen to the broad generalizations and more than likely offensive things I have to say today. Thank you.

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On Hipsters

Hipster.

If you look like this on purpose, please rethink your life.

If you read this blog, there is a good chance that this word has a negative connotation to it.  I know that for me personally, it does.  And it could be easy to write a humorous entry poking fun at the people who have embraced that culture and lifestyle.  PBR! LOL! 
But lets go a bit deeper and explore what the culture is perceived to be, how people actually live it, and then why deep down I hate it.  You know, while I poke fun and make easy jokes at these people’s expense. It’s a humor blog. I’m not paid to be unbiased…

…I’m not paid…

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