Blog Archives

Sucker Punch’s success will open the floodgates to nerd-culture shlock

Sucker Punch is where we draw the line, nerds. I have talked to you before about the one known as Munn, and her dark engine of success. In a way, Sucker Punch is a movie version of her; both feature attractive women in nerd fantasies without much authenticity. It’s an amalgam of every part of nerd culture, robots and ninjas and schoolgirls and battle blimps mashed into one pulpy mess like a baby brother making a giant food pile out of his dinner plate. If Sucker Punch succeeds, the studios will likely respond by drowning us in so much sci-fi waste fluid. Read the rest of this entry

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So, You’ve Decided to Start a Puppy Bowl Team

Excellent. Thanks to Adult Male Human Bowl, interest in Puppy Bowl has sky-rocketed. I don’t have to tell you that the speed, power, and precision of Puppy Bowl is amazing to witness. That’s why you’re here, because you recognize in yourself the kind of inhuman discipline and unquantifiable genius necessary to take a rag-tag group of misfit puppies and mold them into a single-minded killing machine made of many parts.

God willing, this is the last thing I'll see before I die.

While there are many schools of thought to putting together a Puppy Bowl team, and for every rule exist numerous exceptions, I think you’ll find that I’ve put together an fun and informative primer for fielding a team of gladiator canines upon the field of Puppy Battle.
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How to sell t-shirts online and commit copyright infringement

In college, Threadless was my secret fashion resource. No, my shirts of large cartoon art did not win over any ladies, but I was always dressed in some attire that no one had ever seen before. Except for that god damn Communist Party one.

Times have changed. The shirts are no longer on sale for $5, Threadless has retail stores, and there are numerous competitors increasing in popularity. Now something stirs in me when I glance upon these sites full of threads for those too lazy/busy to go to stores. There is copyright infringement anywhere. The separation between parody and rip-off is a line being destroyed like Charlie Sheen doing coke in a Las Vegas penthouse. Read the rest of this entry

Live Action Sailor Moon Adaption almost the death of teen vaginas.

Guys, this almost happened. During the 2008 election, many said that Sarah Palin could be “a heartbeat away” from becoming The President if McCain died in office. This live-action Sailor Moon adaption was one drunk executive’s approval stamp away from making this show happened.

It has everything wrong with childrens’ programming; glorified consumerism, dance numbers, and bad attempts at political correctness.

Let’s be clear: any form of Sailor Moon is bad. I watched it only because this was the best pornography I could find before I realized what pornography is. Read the rest of this entry

For All Your Woody-Murders-the-Rest-of-the-Toy-Story-Cast Play Scenarios

Toy Story 3 was rather dark and contained one of the creepiest characters put into a children’s film. That does not excuse this Japanese Woody doll, an extremely articulate figure with an alternate attachable face best described as “Woody’s Going To Make A Lampshade Out of You”. Read the rest of this entry

Surprising no one: Billy the Blue Ranger is gay.

David Yost, mostly known as Billy the Original Blue Power Ranger, made some waves in the sea of nostalgia with a recent announcement that not only is the man gay, he left the show because of constant harassment for his sexuality.

Thanks David, for proving me wrong in about ninety arguments I had on the playground. Super happy you were able to overcome some serious inner turmoil, but twelve-year-old Chad is a little annoyed. I owe Ben Weiss two pouches of Big League Chew now. That crap grows in value with interest. Read the rest of this entry

An Intro to DotA: No One Wants You Here.

Valve, PC gaming gods, have decided to take DotA under their wing and make a legit version. The gaming world isn’t prepared.

Valve might know what they’re getting themselves into; their all-seeing eye sweeps across the gaming landscape as it reads demographics and satisfies complaints the way only a blue fairy could. It should mean something to you gamers when I say that DotA’s demographic is so small and niche that Steam users (a group that casually summons games to their computers from thin air) are largely in the dark about it.

To all those heading into the three devilish lanes of creeps and trolls, allow Nonstop Karate to present a primer: Read the rest of this entry