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Senator Claims He isn’t Gay; Supports Small Business

State Senator Paul Habig

(transcribed from a press conference earlier today)

Ladies and gentlemen of the press.

Fellow representatives.

My loyal constituents.

I’m sure by now, you’ve all heard the rumors that have been circulating the news stations about some of my recent activities.  Some are saying that I may have paid a young, hairless man to spend an evening with me at a small hotel just outside of our state capital.  Some are saying that the nature of our rendezvous was sexual in nature.  Some have even had the audacity to imply that I may be a homosexual.  I’ve come here today, to set the record straight.  My policy has always been one of transparency and honesty when it came to the actions I take both inside and outside of my office.  And I think that now more than ever, it’s important that I be upfront with the people who voted me into this position.  Because, ultimately, they’re the only people who I must answer to.

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Out of the Frying Pan and into the Fire

Guys, we dodged a bullet.

Hug it out, bros. Hug. That. Shit. Out.

Football’s coming back. We’ll all have something to do in the Fall. Be it cookouts with friends, ordering pizza and parking yourself in front of the TV, or driving around in stolen car so it can’t be traced back to you and running over every mother fucker in a Patriots’ or Chargers’ jersey, one of the best parts of autumn is returned to us. Read the rest of this entry

News is Hard: Drudge Report Translated

Absorbing the news is a lot of work; you have to cut through partisanship, big words, and Wolf Blitzer’s face. Let me break it down into the bare facts. Here’s today’s front page for the Drudge Report. After the jump is the translation, provided by yours truly.

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All Life is Sacred to God: A Perspective, by Billy the Pro-life Dinosaur

Billy, the Pro-life Dinosaur

R-Roar.

Ahem.

Roar.

Roar.

And hello.  My name is Billy.  Billy the pro-life dinosaur.

You might recognize me from such films as Jurassic Park, and Jurassic Park II. Also, Jurassic Park III.

And I’d to talk to you about abortion.

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The Economy: Explained (and not boring)

Editor’s Note: We were happy to bring Adam Kornya on as a writer for NK, but knew he is smarter than us. This scared us. But he’s reigned it in for us, not you. You guys is smart. We is dumb. So thanks, Adam.

So I just finished rereading Alan Greenspan’s “The Age of Turbulence”.

I’ve got Hungry Eyes. I feel the magic between you and I.

I read it when it first came out, thought it was tolerable for something by a dude who thought Ayn Rand had the right idea, then shelved it until the context in which I could read it again in true retrospect had solidified. Published in 2007, it’s essentially half biography and half utterance of giddy surprise that the US and world economy didn’t collapse in the wake of 9/11 in 2001, and about how the American economy is a resilient machine that can handle any catastrophe and roll with any punch. Read the rest of this entry