Blog Archives

Disney Buying LucasFilm Might Be a Good Thing

Possibly the best thing.

I think the initial reaction was a whole lot of “WTF” because it came out of nowhere. My job enables me to spend a lot of time dicking around on the internet, A LOT OF TIME, but I hadn’t heard any rumblings or rumors or anything until the press release was, uh, released.

After the dust settled and we realized it wasn’t an Onion article, my Twitter feed was filled with a lot of cynicism and worry about the acquisition and what that could mean for many people’s favorite franchise.

I must ask; will it be worse than what Lucas himself has been doing with it? The constant adjustments to the movies? The deciding what is and isn’t canon at whim? The Kinect dancing game?

Jar-Jar goddamn Binks?

We’ve seen the bottom, children.

As in all things, there is a lot of stuff that can go wrong, however; if we all take a step back and look at this with clear eyes and our hearts free of the knee-jerk Nerd Rage that so easily can envelope us, that maybe, just maybe, we’ll realize Disney’s acquisition of LucasFilm is a good thing.

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Fight the Future, Beat Your Kids (with knowledge)

I was all set to write a character piece from the perspective of a 12-year-old discovering an older relative’s “classic movies” and then use that to start doing a series of articles about a kid watching stuff like Blade, the Matrix, and Old School.

Pictured: Blade, Motherfuckers Trying to Ice Skate Up Hill.

It was funny, then it got less funny, because it made me feel super old. Well, that’s not entirely true. I spend most of my weekends drinking beer and watching cartoons, and my nights are spent coming up with outlandish scenarios for comedy sketches, action movies, and sci-fi stories, but the beginnings of that article did force me to acknowledge the unstoppable advancement of time.

Thanks to being an unusually oily teenager, my skin is thus far, holding off on the worry lines and crow’s feet, though everytime I look in a mirror, I swear my hairline is slowly sliding back.

Hold the line, you bastards.

Time marches on, and I’m forced to come to grips with the fact that pop culture is continuing to move on without my permission or attention. Read the rest of this entry

There Was a Time This Trailer Brought Hope

Hold back your snark cannons, internet. I want you to learn something from this. Look at this trailer. No one had any idea what the prequel trilogy would be like. The realization that eight hours of prologue wouldn’t be satisfying hadn’t hit anyone yet.

According to the above video’s uploader, fans in this screening bought tickets to Meet Joe Black (remember that? That character’s name was conceived before Jack Black was a movie star. Things would’ve been too confusing if he was!) just to see the trailer. Movies don’t do that anymore. If you want to see the new Avengers movie, you see it at the end of Captain America, which you’re likely already seeing. Imagine if The Dark Knight Rises Teaser had been put exclusively at the beginning of Zookeeper. How frustrating that would be for the few folks there excited to see some Kevin James hi-jinks and some nerd in a bat suit bought all the tickets.

Look at all the beats this trailer hits and imagine what the movie could’ve been like:

00:30 – Sprawling landscapes, droid fighters flying off like it’s Cloud City, a beautiful woman looking longingly out the window. You lean over to your friend and go, “Is this…is this art? This is art!” Read the rest of this entry

Rogue’s Gallery: Top 10 Villains From Film and Literature

I guess there isn’t a whole lot of shame in making a list and calling it writing.  It isn’t like I graduated with a degree in English or am in any way qualified or obligated to edify or entertain anyone.  In fact, I think it’s high time I pointed out the fact that our readers come to Non-stop Karate with quite a lot of baggage.  They come here looking for a little insight or cleverness, or even just the odd tit or giggle.  But really, having expectations of quality of any kind is really just going to disappoint all parties involved. Read the rest of this entry

The Superpower Encyclopedia: Self-Duplication

Ladies and Gentlemen, today we revisit an ongoing series for the LOLJK crew, the “Super Power Encyclopedia.” Where we break down typical super powers for you, the reader, and then provide a simple step-by-step process to follow gain said power.  Pretty exciting stuff. Read the rest of this entry

F–k It: a Henchman’s Two Weeks

Are you fucking serious? There is no way in hell I’m going out there. There’s a fucking Jedi out there and he’s carving bitches up. I can’t even believe it.

If they all get their ID picture taken with the helmet on, how do they tell each other apart?

He just fell from the sky from probably like a million fucking feet and he got his laser sword or whatever and just started chopping people up. It’s completely fucked down here. All these body arms and shit and half people with burnt off ends.


Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a picture of Stormtroopers getting fucked up? That's what 90% of the internet should be. C'mon, geeks, we've got to get our shit together.

I’m not even supposed to fucking be here. It’s my day off, and I’m here because Charlie had to have his commitment ceremony today, and I wasn’t even invited if you can believe it.

I can’t.

Jesus fuck, did you see what he did to Mark? He cut his body into pieces and then threw the parts at everyone. That’s gross. And disrespectful.

Yup. Seems about right.

Good, go! I hope you go tell the Grand Moff. Tell Vader. Tell the Emperor, I don’t even give a shit. I’m wearing bright armor with no peripheral vision or style, and I’ve got to fight some psychic lightning ninja.


Fuck this shit. I can’t deal with it. I’m going back to bar tending.
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Sucker Punch’s success will open the floodgates to nerd-culture shlock

Sucker Punch is where we draw the line, nerds. I have talked to you before about the one known as Munn, and her dark engine of success. In a way, Sucker Punch is a movie version of her; both feature attractive women in nerd fantasies without much authenticity. It’s an amalgam of every part of nerd culture, robots and ninjas and schoolgirls and battle blimps mashed into one pulpy mess like a baby brother making a giant food pile out of his dinner plate. If Sucker Punch succeeds, the studios will likely respond by drowning us in so much sci-fi waste fluid. Read the rest of this entry