Blog Archives

NONSTOP UPDATE

I haven’t updated in awhile due to some work stuff being moved around and some issues regarding my ability to sleep like I’m a people.

Things are righting themselves, and pieces are moving into place for me to update like usual.

I’d also like to take this time to point this story regarding the Expendables 2: Expend This *points to crotch*.

I’m not saying this blog and it’s loyal legion of five readers had anything to do with the change, but, guys, we had everything to do with this.

Well us, and whomever made this poster:

Because, seriously, that is a monster burn.

Matt

 

PG-13 Expendables Due to Language? Suck My D-ck.

Did you guys hear about how the Expendables 2 is going to be PG-13?

Did you hear about how it’s because Chuck Norris got his conservative panties in a bunch over the language?

This is genius. Whoever did this is so, so awesome.

Mr. Norris, on behalf of everyone, ever: Suck Our Dicks.

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2nd Chance Theater: ACTION MOVIE MAY Edition

Sometimes movies fall through the cracks. Bad press, confusing trailers, not enough money for a super-wide release, behind the scenes politicking at studios, money not coming through, etc, there are a myriad of reasons for movies to not get the eyes on them that they so richly deserve.

That’s where Nonstop Karate comes in: we give movies that deserve a wider audience for whatever reason: they’re actually good; it’s so bad it must be seen to be believed; a great actor’s early work; here there be ‘splosions, etc.
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And we’re back. I’d like to thank Nicholas G. Allen for filling in for me last week. As much as I love ACTION MOVIE MAY and as hard as it may be to believe, writing from the POV of Michael Bay and short stories about me take a lot of work, and I have…you see…I, uh…

Sorry. I just realized that the two most-read works of mine are Michael Bay fan fiction and Matt Loman fan fiction.

Wow. Give me a second.

Go Colts!

Okay, I’m good.
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Action Heroes Made a Generation of Men

This entry might borderline on Loman territory and far away from the humor of the LOLJK cannon but I need to talk about this.  I need to reason something out and I can’t imagine a better place to do it than here.  With you. You poor, unfortunate souls.

Allow me to begin with a little about myself. I work in the “industry.” In some awful, terribly uncreative capacity I am paid to help make television that people sometimes watch and even more rarely enjoy.  For the last month I have been fortunate enough to be taking up residence in the offices of Silver Pictures while I’m working on a pilot.  As an action movie junkie, this is a HUGE deal.  Why? First of all, I work in a place where they have a life size Predator as a decoration.

Millionaire Kyle would buy all of the Predators. And bronze them.

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Terry Crews finally sells me on “The Expendables”

It might be hard to do, but avert your eyes for a second away from Terry Crews’ dominant chest towards Drago’s disapproving face. In that last photo is a near perfect summary of the differences between two generations; Crews and Jason Statham versus Old Man Stallone and The Perfect Man. Yes, Lundgren smiles in Picture 3, but that’s merely a momentary lapse in his Universal Soldier training.