Blog Archives

The Mass Effect 3 Thing pt 1: The Ending

What follows is less about the actual nuts and bolts of the ending regarding any sort of closure inside the Mass Effect Universe, or of the supposed insidious business practices of EA , but more about why the ending was used.

I'm coming back, Earth. And I'm bringing all the murder with me.

I will do my best to keep it spoiler-lite for Shepards still fighting the good fight, and less intensive for those of you who don’t care about Mass Effect, but I can make no promises.

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Rapture

So this is the last post on Nonstop Karate.

I feel strange being the one writing it.  I’ve only been contributing to the blog for a short while, and it would seem more fitting for Matt or Chad to pen the closing chapter.  Still, if the world has got to end, it might as well end in Action Movie May, right? Read the rest of this entry

Robot Throws Out First Pitch; Pisses on Humanity

With absolute disregard for the projected date of Skynet’s rising, The Philadelphia Baseballs had a robot throw the opening pitch at a recent game. I retract that; it was no game, it was an atrocity.

Baseball has been surviving on being an American tradition for years. That’s it. My father, Archie Bunker in the flesh, doesn’t watch baseball anymore. Why would you? The magic of the sport relied on seeing men somehow hurl spheres to the heavens far beyond belief. They were regular men who took wood and sand and made spaceships. Now they’ve become super soldiers; you’re only disappointed when someone doesn’t get a home run. Plus, they added a 5th base, so that just ruined the game for everyone. Read the rest of this entry

How to Survive Anything: Chapter 1: the First Chapter

Everyone has a zombie escape plan. After discussing it with various people, I’ve found that some of these are really intricate, but really what it boils down to is this:

–  Be Faster than a Zombie.
–  Don’t Get Boxed in.
–  Don’t Run Out of Bullets.
–  Have Something Sharp for When You Inevitably Run Out of Bullets.

Now there will be some differing details when you get down to it: what routes to take, what kind of car/do you bother with a car, what’s the best melee weapon for dispatching the undead, who will kill you when you get your ass bit, etc?


Something snarky about how I wouldn’t be caught dead at the mall, anyway.

However, those are the basics.

What troubles me is that I seem to be the only one who has plan for nearly every sort of contingency.

Well, me and Batman.

And Black Panther.

And Reed Richards.

And Dr. Doom.

But that’s it.

Oh, yeah, and Cyclops.

Anyway, folks, zombies are really the least of our worries in terms of a breakdown of society.  Shamlbing rotting flesh isn’t a problem unless the zombie plague wipes flies, fungus, crows, and everything else that eats necrotic flesh.


Zombie virus trumps healing factor? Bullshit. Also, the Thing is a rock monster. What’d they bite?

You want to know what is real, though?

Ninjas.

Robots.

Cloning Technology.

Pirates.

You best believe shit just got real. What follows are some basic ideas and strategies for when the inevitable happens. And it will happen.
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Fictional Things That Have Scared the Crap Out of Me.

I am not a fan of horror movies. Mostly, it’s a vanity thing. I’m a jumper. I shift, fidget, curl up in my seat and it is no way defensible or manly by any stretch of imagination or logic.

Another, a much smaller, less pussy reason for my not liking horror movies is because for 90% of the bad guys, could be dealt with after taking a self-defense course at your local YMCA or the courses offered by Take Back the Night-like organizations that all of my secret girlfriends  joined.

It’s like in the slasher movie universe they haven’t invented the kick to the groin. Imagine, an entire universe devoid of America’s Funniest Videos, so no one understands the devastating impact of the crotch shot.

After pushing the top of one’s foot, or even better, one’s shin through the pelvis of the attacker, the former would-be-victim, should now deliver a kick across the lower jaw of the attacker and then stomp their neck flat. A little squeamish about taking a life? Bear in mind this is someone who wanted to stab the fuck out of you.

However there are a few villains/monsters that I find legitimately imposing and terrifying, if not exclusively from the horror realm. The kind of walking murder that it doesn’t matter what you do, no matter how desperate, no matter what strength you can draw from being cornered, it won’t make a difference. Most of these scarred me from a very young age, though there are a few recent ones that manage to raise the pulse today.

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