Blog Archives

The Mass Effect 3 Thing pt 1: The Ending

What follows is less about the actual nuts and bolts of the ending regarding any sort of closure inside the Mass Effect Universe, or of the supposed insidious business practices of EA , but more about why the ending was used.

I'm coming back, Earth. And I'm bringing all the murder with me.

I will do my best to keep it spoiler-lite for Shepards still fighting the good fight, and less intensive for those of you who don’t care about Mass Effect, but I can make no promises.

Read the rest of this entry

Advertisements

Fight the Future, Beat Your Kids (with knowledge)

I was all set to write a character piece from the perspective of a 12-year-old discovering an older relative’s “classic movies” and then use that to start doing a series of articles about a kid watching stuff like Blade, the Matrix, and Old School.

Pictured: Blade, Motherfuckers Trying to Ice Skate Up Hill.

It was funny, then it got less funny, because it made me feel super old. Well, that’s not entirely true. I spend most of my weekends drinking beer and watching cartoons, and my nights are spent coming up with outlandish scenarios for comedy sketches, action movies, and sci-fi stories, but the beginnings of that article did force me to acknowledge the unstoppable advancement of time.

Thanks to being an unusually oily teenager, my skin is thus far, holding off on the worry lines and crow’s feet, though everytime I look in a mirror, I swear my hairline is slowly sliding back.

Hold the line, you bastards.

Time marches on, and I’m forced to come to grips with the fact that pop culture is continuing to move on without my permission or attention. Read the rest of this entry

Dying with your Boots on pt 1.

I’m not a crier during movies. I’m a jumper during scary ones, but the parts where most people cry, I don’t. I get it, but it doesn’t hit me like that.

The parts of movies where I do get choked up is when brave people die. More than that, when people who know they’re going to die, but march ahead anyway. Stuff like that gets me every damn time.

Not a great example, but very iconic.

In honor of the brave sacrifices of (mostly) fictional characters, here is a list of my favorite deaths from the movies.

Read the rest of this entry

Wherein Our Hero Faces his Own Mortality

I work at a gym. We play music over the house speakers so as to fill the awkward silence that is people doing something over and over again and being miserable about it. Most people at the gym, trainers and employees, bring their own headphones, not because the music we play is bad (it is, but that’s not the primary reason we all bring our own headphones) it’s because everyone has their own music to get pumped to during a workout.

At least we can all agree on what really sucks.

Some like to get lost in house, others need the swagger of hip-hop, or the crunch and thrash of rock.

However, since a client can’t really listen to headphones AND the instructions of a trainer there tends to be a heated argument over what to play.

The gay trainers want techno.

The straight white trainers want rock

The straight black trainers want hip-hop.

The gay black trainers want 70’s dance.

The latino trainers want clients to stop tossing them their keys in the parking lot. *rimshot*

The female trainers want the straight male trainers to stop awkwardly hitting on them when they’re trying to work.

Most of the time, everyone can live in harmony as long as it’s not a slow jam or an extreme example of the genre. For example, a long guitar solo usually means we have to change the music as does any techno song that includes a siren.

I lied. I'll change Oakenfold in a heartbeat.

However, the gym as a whole usually goes through phases where everyone can agree on something for background music. It was techno for a while, which was surprising and weird. Then it was 80’s. Then it was 80’s alternative rock which was again surprising and weird. We recently came out of a hip-hop and R&B bender and now we’re listening to 90’s.

Which has been kind of shitty for me.
Read the rest of this entry