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Suck It, Future-Me: Looper Review

“I’m from the future. Go to China.”

I’m not going to recap the plot. Every blog, website, and newspaper article has tried their hand at summing up the story.

note: I tried very hard to stay spoiler-free, but it’s hard to do that with a movie like this

Speaking from experience, both personal and via the hundreds of pieces of media I’ve consumed, there comes a very special time in a young man’s life when he tells an older, wiser, and more versed person to go to Hell.

It doesn’t matter what this person says, knows, or has lived, the young man is sure that whatever that person is telling him isn’t true.

“You don’t know.”

“What happened to you won’t happen to me.”

“I’m better.”

“Smarter.”

“Meaner.”

“Luckier.”

“It does not matter. It will not, ever, happen to me like it happened to you.”

These young men are wrong, of course. Most of the time it’s chalked up to universal truths that must leave their mark. These are lessons that can’t be taught; they must be felt. These are the mistakes that are made when youthful exuberance meets ignorance.

And there is no force on Earth, not even time travel, not even a future version of you who has literally made every choice you want to, telling you, to your face, that there is  a better way.

This is one of the two major thematic elements of Looper, and this narrative thread is begun with a fantastic scene, glimpsed for a few seconds in the trailer, of Bruce Willis and Joseph Gordon-Levitt having a sit down to discuss just what is going on; what is going to happen, and what the other guy plans to do about it. Read the rest of this entry

How I Figure “The King’s Speech” Ended

Colin Firth, The King of Europe, nervously approaches a large, crowd of British folks, all looking at him through bifocals and double monocles.

As he reaches the podium, a small boy with cancer that we’ve grown to love the entire movie, hoists up an enormous microphone to him. The King pats him affectionately on the head.

LIL’ CANCER BOY: Oi yer gonna do it, King!

The boy coughs and spits out a black lump of something.

THE KING: Hello, People of New Europe. I have come to talk to you about the importance of good diets. And also of the German menace that encroaches on our lands.

Off in the distance a German War Blimp bombs the textile district of London.

THE KING: We were fools to ignore the signs. When Hitler II sent us that video telegraph of him eating a cooked baby like a Thanksgiving turkey, silverware and all, we should’ve known he was up to no good. Again, we were fools. And as your king, I am thus The Foolish King.

PEASANT 1: Hey, that’d also be a good title for a movie.

PEASANT 2: Shut up. Hitler II blew up my house with a robotic blimp. Read the rest of this entry

“I’m Pretty Good at Reading People, But I Was Wrong Once…”

And that man’s name was Adolph Hitler.
by Denny Stevens

Let me back up, me and my friend, Corben Copeman, had just invented time travel.
Let me back up, me and Corben found my old Dreamcast when we were cleaning out my parents’ attic for beers when we rediscovered probably history’s most underestimated console.

SeeeEEEEEegggaaaAAAAAAA

Read the rest of this entry